Whew!!!! What a week. BR has lived in a zone of confusion and fear for the past several days. BR along with W went for the biopsy. I sat stressed and pulling back a couple tears while waiting for my turn. What can I say? I could handle the idea of a gun toting thug coming at me but this health stuff, I can't control. In fact, I had what I think was a panic attack earlier. As I sat in the waiting room fighting back tears, I saw W looking at me and her eyes were a little glassy. We waited and finally went in and waited a little more. Due to a snafu, they could do the test that day. More stress and waiting. On the way home, W asked if I had eaten. She then treated to lunch. While at lunch, there were many silent moments. W looked at me a couple times as if to say something that didn't come out.
A couple days later, I was scheduled for this thing again. Big fear. When I got to the test room, I started the shaking thing. I have a fear of hospitals from my childhood. The doctor came in and told me what she was going to do. But first, she told me to take my wedding band off. I wear it on a chain on my neck. I should have it on my hand but.... W kind of looked at it and took it for me. She then asked what did I want her to do. I just wanted my hand held. Finally, the local goes in. I feel the pain and pressure and nearly break W's hand. I never open my eyes during the procedure but it felt good to be holding W's hand. She felt rocky and later told me that she nearly fell out as the needle went in my neck. Long story short, non malignent. Thank you God. Thanks to the folks that prayed. I still have to find out what's up but the hard part is over.
I was struck by how kind the W was during this period. I ALMOST wished I was a LITTLE ill. W's behavior toward me is still nice and concerned. A friend of mine told me that it's possible that seeing true emotions from me and actually being able to help me showed W I was still human and the old BR was still in there. I feel a little conflict going on in W. We'll see what happens.
