How do I deal with now he's overseas?

[dbmod]

Hi again Piano.

I don't post anymore, and when I did, it was very sporadic. As I said, I got so much conflicting advice that it was doing me more harm than good, because I did not have the self-confidence to decide what would be best for ME.

Besides that, I cheated on my H long into all of this...and to some people (C_K, I mean Allen), that makes me someone that no one should ever listen to.

Funny thing, I have a lot of perspective to offer.
And, I am in the middle of really healing the relationship with my XH. Every once in awhile, if something really resonates with me, I stick my neck out again.

I did it here because I remember how I, too, was paralysed by the conflicting advice. Finally, JTB got ahold of me and made me see that being a good person and being nice was never going to hurt matters, that I just had to make sure that I set and kept certain boundaries. I guess I didn't understand at the time that you can set boundaries with love. All the ones I had set at that point were out of hurt and anger (no wonder they didn't work!)

I am sure you can go all the way back and read my old threads. Just please understand that I have come a long way in my life, and would never ever repeat the mistakes of the past.

I know that not one size fits all; I am only sharing what worked for me.
And yes, after many false starts and mix-ups, it is working.
And I will say a prayer of thanks when my whole family (yep, XH too) is around the table in four more days.

Absolutely beautiful. At the end of the day, take the high road, the kind road.

[gatsby11]

Hey P!

Wow, what a thread, yeah baby yeah yeah!

The advice to 'follow your heart' is great.

I have to say, as a friend, it worries me sometimes how you keep focusing on what you have done and what you need to change. (This is based on a post you had back on page 3 or 4.)

K, maybe starting controversy here, I don't know. But it seems that the prevailing belief some DBers have is something along the lines of:

Your spouse left. You, as the LBS, must have some things to work on. Work on them for you. (Even though it's so easy to work on them for the WAS... blurry line...)

But what about this idea:

Your spouse left. S/he, as the WAS, has some major issues to work on. Abrupt leaving, no full explanations, dodging opennness... this indicates imbalance, instability. The LBS needs to get away and strengthen, heal, grow.

F**k "working on you"! It's not like you're a psychotic, overbearing megamonster. You don't need to monitor yourself to make sure you're being giving enough or being kind enough more than the average person.

We're at too vulnerable a place in our lives, I think, to introspect so much and try to improve so that we're worthy of a lasting relationship-- F that!

I believe in GAL. Have fun. Detach. Learn new things. Meet new people. Heal.

Only "work on yourself" in THAT way.

I hope that rant made sense.

Love ya, P!

[Piano]

Thanks everyone!

G, makes total sense! And hell, bring on the controversy on my thread anytime!

I am interested in diverse set of opinions because I'm getting stronger and on a good day, know how to pick a bit from each of them and apply to my sitch.

But thanks - you've reminded me to let myself off the hook from time to time.... So essential in getting my mojo back.

You always were a natural DBer and I'm glad you still post here from time to time!

Re your 'work on yourself' plan - everything in your list is so important

But I do believe there are areas of me I want to change, for ME.

Love ya back!

[dbmod]

Piano...you aren't missing anything...you know what to do to meet your goal, and you know yourself and your limits pretty well.

I want to add that your DB coach gave you direction specific to YOU, and your fairly unusual situation. Remember that advice, because it will serve you well. The same advice spoken in the same way isn't for everyone.

[Truegritter]

Shameful people.. Very shameful.

Shame shame shame...

Look I don't know this person Dobson

But does he allow for other points of view that differ from his?

Does he preach casting judgement and "shame" toward some of his colleagues that might have a different view?

Does he have a message forum maybe where you might feel more comfortable?

I am in no way suggesting your opinion is not welcome here but you seem to have an approach that does not allow for other perspectives?

I agree with some of the things you say, but not all.

I only offer, as most people do here, my own experience.

To help people.

To put back what I DID learn HERE.

I recognize that your experience may be different and that you feel sharing that is what might help.

Clearly you should not be ashamed to share that and

I am not ashamed to share that.

Not one single bit.

My story is here among these pages and if it helps anyone to read it they are welcome.

I allow that there may be other ways to get to someone's answer for THEM.

SHAME?

What use is that for anyone here who has been through this tragedy?

AND stands here and puts back to this process.

Gives back what they recieved?

I applaud anyone including you Clark who gives their time to people here.

I respect that you do that. Have the same courtesy.

I do not need your agreement for my views why do you insist on mine and others?

I am here as you are to help people the best way I know how.

Sharing myself and my experience.

[Truegritter]

PS: Sorry Piano that this is happening on your thread.

It really shouldn't

So

I will not do it again

Only to post what think may be helpful to you.

[Piano]

I'll be back to post in a minnie... I think Dobson is great (have read the book) and is brilliant in a situation when a WS is lying, cheating, being cruel etc. I have learnt about tough love through him.

CK, my husband is a Peter Pan
He is a man- child

but he is not lying and cheating right now.

I could cut him off completely but how do I acheive my goals of getting more money this way and securing my citizenship?

This Q is for you, CK.

[gatsby11]

OK

[Clark_Kent]

Look I don't know this person Dobson

But does he allow for other points of view that differ from his?

Does he preach casting judgement and "shame" toward some of his colleagues that might have a different view?

My issue isnt' with Dobson's view or softer views such as Davis or others.

My issue is the mischaracterization and gaslighting that goes on in order to steer people away from protecting themselves from abuse after it is long overdue.

If you want to advocate author A, and I advocate author B that's fine... But dont' misrepresent what one author says in some desperate attempt to refute them... You do a disservice to the writer and visitors here.

That's all I'm sayin...

[Piano]

Um, I'm with Gatsby, and now I am confused.

No apologies needed and I don't think anyone is misrepresenting or gaslighting anyone.

I am feeling confident enough to handle all views.