Here we go again!

[bethann]

I don't really have a clue what I want that's achievable. I want my family back. I want my husband to be the man I know he can be. I want him to miss me and our life together. I want to be in a loving, healthy relationship with my husband, but I just don't think that's possible right now where he's at in his life. He is absolutely not the man I want to be around, or have my children be around right now - but I love him and I miss him. I know that it doesn't make any sense, but that's how I'm feeling.
In terms of achievable? I'd like to have one rational conversation with him, where I feel like he's even listening to me. I'd like to see a glimpse of the man I married. I don't even know right now if that's achievable.

Most of the time when he talks at me, it's only to belittle me. He is doing things that are totally out of character for him when he's sane, but are totally in character for him when he has lost control. I have been down this road with him before and the last time, he was very sorry for making me feel this way and treating me and the kids so horrible. He promised to spend the rest of his life making it up to me, but ... here we go again. However, this time, I really don't know if he cares if he comes back. I truely think he has passed the point of returning. He is doing things now, that he didn't do the last time. Two nights ago, he had our three youngest kids overnight - 12 years, 10 years and 9 years. (The oldest two don't want anything to do with him right now) Anyhow, he got a call out (he's a cop) and he ended up leaving my kids in his apartment alone from 11pm until 5am. He actually left them, forgoing their safety. Being that the legal age for staying home overnight alone is 16 (I called CAS to find out for sure) I'm not sure what he was thinking. I was livid when my 9 year old told me what happened and that he was scared, but I didn't even bother calling him because I know he'd just rant and rave and call me names and justify his behaviour. He refuses to take responsibility for anything right now.

So, what do I want????? I want to be out of this mess and living my life. I want him in it, but not the him that risks the safety of my children, not the him that treats me like crap and not the him that who thinks his behaviour all the way around is acceptable. I pray everyday for answers!!