Thanks Shantilly, and thanks Albu. I know I'm supposed to detach. I am having just such a hard time doing that lately. If only he didnt give such mixed signals. If only he was consistent....but I know..I know...it doesnt work that way. I know, but STILL, I have trouble
He does something that makes me think he's coming round then in one second he's as distant as he was months ago.
Tonight he came round (one hour later than he said he would). I personally don't like it when people arrive late and dont inform u , I feel its disrespectful...but I think this maybe just me. So I've let it go. 180 for me.
Anyway, he arrives late, I'm ok with it, and we are chatty and comfortable and eveythings nice. He relaxes so I relax, and we have a nice evening...S is happy. All fine...
I asked him casually 'So what you been up to today?' In a very friendly way, and he said 'just acting as tourguide' and sort of trailed off...obviously not wanting to give details. So I know that its something he doesnt want me to know about....
I left it, and continued merrily with other topics of convo.
After about 2 hours he starts yawning , and I do still care for him (heaven knows why) so i say he should go home get some sleep. So hes moaning how hes tired and just cant catch up on lack of sleep.
Mmmmm, wonder why they are all so tired all the time?
There was a moment in the eve where he looked at me and smiled with such warmth and love in his eyes, I could just feel his old soul there, and missed him soooo much....that man...where did he go...I love him so much
As H was saying goodbye to S, S says 'daddy, why do you want to go and stay at your house alone, why dont you want company, you need company'
I just about died...my heart was in physical pain...that my little boy knew this in his heart that something is wrong, and was questioning it. I didnt show any emotion, just smiled(painfully) and tried to help things along.
Now that S is in bed and H is gone, I've had a little cry about it. I hate what this is doing to his thoughts in his little head. They arent thoughts a little 4 year old should be thinking about.
I now that H isnt doing it on purpose and that its collateral damage....I;m just feeling so sad and powerless to stop it...its like watching a car accident in slow motion and you can't do anything to stop it...
Also found out this eve that H is going away again next week, to UK, so another week away. He's only just got back from other trip to other country. A bit sad for S...he misses dad so.
I miss my old H. I can feel perfectly comfortable around the new H, but not as comfortable and 'at home' as I used to be with old H. I hate this.
I want to wake up from this nightmare.
I'm leaving this in God's hands now. I have nothing left Reminds me of that song - jesus take the wheel...
