How do I deal with now he's overseas?

[Piano]

I also believe people can change, Eric. But they work to their own timelines, right?

Most people aren't against changing at all, they are against change that they are forced in to...

Hello Mach1, nice to meet you
I tried to force my husband to do the "right" thing. Of course it backfired and only made him feel more trapped, more obliged to love something he didn't feel like doing.

The answer is to give him his freedom....

I haven't given him the'Dobson' letter...

Will have to show I am letting go just through my actions now..

[Piano]

I know I am in a good place right now where I owned my mistakes and recognized his mistakes and I no longer feel like I caused his affair! Are you there yet?

Hey Newmama, I am so happy you are in this place.

It's my destination.

Not there yet.

Getting lost around the way and sometimes read the map upside down!

[Piano]

I emailed H tonight.
Thanking him for the money and asking how regular it would be. Told him we were lucky my parents were supporting me and bub but that it could not go on indefinitely. Asked him to keep working on my citizenship issue with me for the benefit of us all. Gave him brief news about bub, plus 6 or so photos.

The email was more businesslike than anything. No anger. Light. Some humour at the end. Like I was writing to the neighbour.

[Clark_Kent]

Your husband gets addicted to an affair, runs out of the country, abandons you and his newborn child and you write to him like he's your neighbor?

I would be shutting this guy out until he acts like an adult.

If he isn't paying proper support let the authorities deal with him.

Don't coddle him Piano it's not likely to do any good.

[dbmod]

I emailed H tonight.
Thanking him for the money and asking how regular it would be. Told him we were lucky my parents were supporting me and bub but that it could not go on indefinitely. Asked him to keep working on my citizenship issue with me for the benefit of us all. Gave him brief news about bub, plus 6 or so photos.

The email was more businesslike than anything. No anger. Light. Some humour at the end. Like I was writing to the neighbour.

good job

[dbmod]

Your husband gets addicted to an affair, runs out of the country, abandons you and his newborn child and you write to him like he's your neighbor?

I would be shutting this guy out until he acts like an adult.

If he isn't paying proper support let the authorities deal with him.

Don't coddle him Piano it's not likely to do any good.

This won't give you yor desired result.

[Clark_Kent]

Sorry I said "But I think you are looking at (1) because it makes you feel better." and I meant #2.

[Clark_Kent]

People DO change ALL the time, though.

What you can do is by your actions….show him what “love” really is.

You can do that by focusing on yourself, encouraging his relationship with your child, and show him (pictures) the fun he is missing out on. This OW will most likely get old/boring fairly quickly. You, on the other hand, have excitement going on.

Keep in the 'present'.

This won't give you your desired result.

[Truegritter]

At some point...

Once he stops hurting you, stops lying, stops making excuses for himself, stops this ridiculous addictive fantasy

You have to give up the fantasy that he will stop based on your actions (or boundaries disguised as control)

He may. But if it is not his choice he will be right back at the bar.

Once you have protected yourself then...(real boundaries to protect you and your child)

Let him figure it out.

Placing faith in the fact that anything you do will get an addict to do something they haven't decided to do themselves is going down a path to codependency.

Meaning, you become consumed in trying to stop or control the behavior or begin enabling it or denying the problem.

You will end up frustrated, bitter and angry.

I speak from direct experience with this with substance abuse.

That is if you accept the theory that an affair is an addiction to the degree that substance abuse can manifest itself.

IOW there is no physical dependency on the chemicals that run through your brain when you are engaged in an affair.

If you stop drinking when you are abusing alcohol so badly you can die from the physical addiction your body has gotten use to.

So my point?

YOU decide what continues to cause you pain. You will get there anyway. If you waste your time trying to control an addict(and in this case a WAS) once you have told them you will not accept it in your life then it will keep you from your own path to healing and happiness.

How long you wait while your partner is in this "Fog" is up to you and a personal choice IMO so don't let anyone tell you when to do that.

And I don't believe it is anyone's place to take away your faith in that.

Just my opinion based on my experience.

[Piano]

Geez, you leave your thread for a minute and all kinds of activity pops up!

Hello Trugritter, hello Clark Kent.

Before we get into the nitty gritty, can I straighten out a few points and it might throw some light on why I seem to be continuing to coddle him:

1. I need him to help me finish my citizenship application. One more step is involved, and my citizenship is secured. This is for my FUTURE. If I piss him off, he will pull the plug. I have lost so much already; this too?

2. My husband left me in January. He separated from me, never told me anything but that we were over and that I needed to move on. It' s like we are already divorced. He is not cheating behind my back. He is in a new relationship with his former affair partner. I don't consider that cheating. It's painful, but he's no longer hiding her. They live together!

I have to make H accountable financially for what he has done.

I cannot do the rest for him.

I can only be the best me possible.


I invite more comments.. maybe I am missing something?