Hit by truck 2 months ago

[habitacker]

The compliments are absolutely not a trick. I used to do it, it just faded away over the years. It is just a little uncomfortable now because I know how she is taking it. They are very sincere and I wish I could wrap my arms around her and kiss her when I tell her these things.
I am not going to go storming into the MC's office or anything like that, but I would like to know what really happened, or then again, maybe it does not even matter. My wife would have a very hard time not telling the truth. You would have to know her to understand. She does not lie. She might not say anything,but she does not lie. Unless you want to count her telling me she loves me for the last 3 years and not really meaning it. Hmmm.
She wasn't crying in front of me when she said she wanted a divorce. It was steel resolve all the way. She said when she told the MC she was crying.

[Jack_Three_Beans]

Maybe it doesn't matter...

good thought.


I meant about your wife crying in front of the C, not with you.


I believe you that she doesn't lie. Not trying to convince you otherwise. You know what you know, you know?

Habit, you start doing thing differently...nicely? And she is likely going to believe they are just tricks to win her over.

Stick to them though. It might even upset you a bit that she feels this way, but you go back to old habits, and suddenly you just confirmed they were tricks to her.

[habitacker]

Thanks. I do believe that is also what the MC had in mind about the compliments. Over time she will see they are not tricks.

[habitacker]

Well she just gave me the Walk Out Woman book back. She handed it to me and said she had finished it and it had some interesting points. I said thank you for reading it and said good-night. It felt weird because I wish I would have never given it to her.
I really wanted to ask her what she thought of it, but I kept my mouth shut and just said thanks. I hope I did not make a mistake if she was actually trying to talk to me about the R. It is so hard to tell if she actually thought it had interesting points, or if she was just saying something to be nice. She seemed just a little bit cold saying it, but she always seems nervous talking to me now.
I wish I could just quit trying to figure everything out. Everytime I think I know something, My mind gives me a different point of view.

[habitacker]

When my wife first told me the news, I wanted to die. Now, I want to live more than ever. Whether I die tomorrow, or 20 years from now, or I live to 100, I do not want to go to my grave with my wife feeling the way she does about me at this moment. I have to make this right.

[Truegritter]

I do not want to go to my grave with my wife feeling the way she does about me at this moment.

Good that you have motivation to make some changes.

BUT

You have no control over how your W feels about you.

So I know you are here to save your M.

And you feel that right now that is tied to how your W feels about you.

You will be setting yourself up for disapointment if you hold an expectattion that she will see these changes and come back.

What am I saying?

Make changes in you for you.

IF

Your W can see the new man you have become, then that is icing on the cake.

This tragedey has been the catalyst for change for you and has allowed you the opportunity to look at your M, and yourself.

My advice? Stop watching or wanting your W to see you and get busy making the changes.

She will see them if they are real.

[habitacker]

What exactly are people saying when you should not believe what waw is saying and only 50% of what you see. Can I get some examples of this? And could it mean when she says she wants a divorce, she doesn't really mean it? I get mixed signals at home. Everyday is fine, like nothing is wrong. Except there is no us.
MC thinks i should tell her the changes i have discovered in myself. Example: How I know anger was covering all my love. Now I no how to express my love and have tons of it and it has really shown with my kids. But now I don't have her to give it to. I have even found things spiritually. He thinks it is ok to talk about the things that have changed for me.
This makes sense because at some time she needs to see these things in me, but is this going against 180 approach and DBing.
I would not be making the discussion about her or the R, but more like excitement for me and changing my life.
It really does have me excited and it feels great, but I wish I could share it with her.
Should I keep this all to myself and wait for her to come to me about talking or does my MC have any positive points. Of course he is always telling me to assume it is over. I am tired of this. It is preparing me for the end. I feel better when I am excited about getting my marriage back.

[Truegritter]

MC thinks i should tell her the changes i have discovered in myself.

Sorry I don't agree. Not the time for that.

Show her. When the opportunity presents itself.

She won't believe words.

And

She may even feel it is pursuing.

What you are doing (and I want you to really think about this) is saying:

"I want our M back right now, look I have made all these changes, I did all this and I want our M back right now, it doesn't matter what you want right now. This is about me and when I want it."

Think about this. Really think about it.

Should I keep this all to myself and wait for her to come to me about talking

Yes. She IS watching you.

Of course he is always telling me to assume it is over.

If he is saying ASSUME it is over it might not be a bad way to look at it. Meaning you can't control her you only control you and so that is where you put your faith.

You decide when it is over for you. From a place of strength, not weakness.

You want to be able to look back and say I gave my best.

And only you can say what that is.

BUT

If I may, and I will, BEST is not letting someone's actions or inactions decide for you. Not letting that dictate what you believe.

I am tired of this. It is preparing me for the end

Frustration is an emotion don't make decisions with it.

I feel better when I am excited about getting my marriage back.

Good but you use it for you not as an expectation. It will burn through your energy.

The reality is you are not guaranteed you will get your M back.

So what are you prepared to do if you not guaranteed this will happen?

[sandi2]

I do not believe you should express to her how you've changed. A WAW will not be impressed with you voicing this to her. The only way it will have a bearing on her is for her to see the changes and most of all....see them stick.

Expect doubt, resentment, and anger toward those changes she wanted to see for a long time, but you waited until she was "done" in the M before you finally went to work. IMO, that is how most WAW's feel.

If your MC does not line up with DB, then you are going to be very frustrated about what you should do. As a former WAW, I would suggest holding back from complimenting your W at this time.

[habitacker]

Thank you for the support. I have written her a letter about what is going on inside me and what I have learned about myself. MC thought if it was just about me, it would not come across persuing. I have decided not to give it to her and trust the DBing. It is hard though. I want to talk to my best friend,my wife.
I guess maybe I have doubts about her being a waw. Everything says she is, but I still have small doubts. She is a really special person. What I mean is, she is not like most.
What I am getting at is what if she is an exception to the rule? Or not a waw?
She is not the type to come to me to talk. She is not the type to go to anyone and talk. Nobody knows about our situation. She has said her private life is nobody else's business. I know this is a lot of the reason we are in this situation now. She is very hard to communicate with. Actually, she is easy to communicate with but she will not initiate it. This really scares me because she may want to talk but wont.
I understand the waw needs tons of patience from me. But what if she is waiting or needing a small push. I know this goes against everything but is it a possibility, understanding my wife, she would not come to talk to anyone very easily about any thing personal.
Can I tell her if she ever wants to talk about anything i am listening?
Can I ask her if she would like to know what I have discovered about myself?
Can I thank her for getting my attention through such a courageous act. Thank her for not tolerating my unloving behavior any longer and sending me on a course of learning to be a better husband and father.

What I am really asking is, if she needs a little push, how ever so slightly could i do this?