it's too late. after the book destruction, i did leave the house without trying to talk any more to him. i went to my friend's house who is married and i was so upset. i should have just went to the raddisson. anyway, when i got there, they could see how upset i was and her h let us have private time to talk. i told her h was watching inappropriate stuff on the MAC, but didn't go into detail about the kind it was. i was sobbing by this time and she was very comforting and was shocked, but not really as disgusted as i am. so i told her what happened with the book and that shocked her more so she made up the bed in the guest room. she said she wanted me to stay the night so h and i could both cool off for a bit. i was so glad not to be in the house with h so i stayed. i got up this morning and i felt embarrassed because i don't know how much she told her h about us. so around noon, i went home to face the music. i guess i still was in denial and that we could somehow fix this. like maybe he missed me and we have never spent a night apart before this. i walk in the house and he is on the MAC again. i turned the computer off so we could talk for a minute without him looking at that smut and he pushed me out of the room, locked the door, and so then he's watching that disgusting stuff in our home and laughing at me! so he's all defiant now. so i grabbed a few things and left again and went to the raddisson. i can't sleep and have been googling on my laptop about sex addictions. i need sleep because i have to cover a shift for someone at work tomorrow morning. there's no way i can get out of it. but i want to try to get off early to go home before h does. oh, im so tired.
If he is an addict, please be aware that you cannot reason with addicts. His behavior is not about you. dbmod is correct. You need to speak with a professional to get some help and support for yourself and some educated guidance as to how to proceed.
If you "out" him to friends and relatives you just make it more humiliating for him, create more anxiety for him, and make it harder for him to deal with this. Also, your friends are not qualified to make any judgments or give any advice about this sitch.
He may be sick. Do you remember your vows? In sickness or in health?
You can stop the momentum of this. Drop it. Let it go. (when you are in your house).
Go talk to a professional separately.
Drop it... let it go?
I don't see much difference between this case and the infidelity cases on this forum, but for some odd reason the advice is almost completely reversed... How on earth does this case differ from the infidelity cases on this forum?
... Very confused
Why is it we are advocating moving out, calling a professional, advocating distance on this thread, but for the infidelity cases the advice is to coddle the wayward addicted to some selfish, hurtful romantic fantasy with another man or woman...?
Look how this is playing out. Marmie's response has achieved nothing positive and is potentially escalating this to the point of violence.
It's a matter of triage. First stop the bleeding, then you can assess what, if anything, can be done in a sitch like this, but there is no point in constant confrontation which at this point are "cheeseless tunnels."
MP, I never suggested confronting this guy again. I was the first person on this forum to advocate dealing with this seriously while most others (excluding Steve McQueen) have been pushing a coddling approach instead.
Why on earth would anyone advocate coddling an addict like this? It's being advocated all over this forum...
You can't stop the bleeding in a household where an addiction is running unchecked.
Coddling addictions enables them to escalate into emotional or even physical abuse.
Cheeseless tunnels? The only tunnel that needs to be explored here is addiction.. Which is what I suggested in my first post eight pages ago but no one wanted to hear it. Our "dbmod" went so far as to say outright to marmie that my advice was "wrong" and shouldn't be followed.
I am just shocked at the coddling that goes on here for days and days. This case should have been dealt with as an addiction from day one. Almost all of this subforum's cases should be dealt with as an addiction from day one.
Instead that advice is deleted or edited and a coddling approach is endorsed in its stead?
I would like to see people take responsibility for these risks and address addictions seriously from day one... Not nine pages later.
I, for one, am sorry marmie and apologize that this wasn't addressed sooner.
This is an addiction and should be addressed as one. Please re-read the advice I offered up on the first page of this thread and get in touch with social services.
DO make people in your life aware you are experiencing abuse in your home and you need their support.
Detach from this man and his situation until he's taken ownership of it and offers yourself and other supporters reparations.
Don't talk to him, don't trust him, and for the love of god don't coddle him trying to get in touch with how he feels.. that's ridiculous advice and should never have been followed.
I know you never advocated that. My only point was that it's time to proceed with caution. We are only hearing Marmie's perception of this and she probably knows very little about her H's state. She shouldn't be taking any action regarding her H and the M until her she is in more control of her own emotional state. She first needs to address her own crisis over this and possibly her own safety. Once that's done she can decide the next step.
Um, no, that's why I said that "She first needs to address her own crisis over this and possibly her own safety. Once that's done she can decide the next step."
