I was asked to take a look at your thread and respond but it was locked so I opened this thread up for you.
I want you to sit down for a second.
I have been at this for almost 15 months. Living in the same house with a distant, non-caring, emotionless, insensitive, beotch! I have three kids D9, S15 and S17. I am 41 and my W is 39. OM, is her supervisor and married. I did not file, she did. I was going to BUT wanted her to OWN the decision. All of the things that you are experiencing are normal dude. As much as you say that you own 50% of the failure, your s come across as if you are still caring the guilt of the break-up. Don’t. AND I mean DON’T!
1) You did not put a gun to your W head and force her to cheat. Her actions NOT yours. 2) You did not rip the kids from the live that they have become accustom to so that you could find your own selfish happiness – YOUR W did. 3) You have not kept the kids from their Mom – YOU W does and continues to. 4) You have carried yourself with class and dignity. YOUR W is acting like a spoiled teenager.
Ya know dude, I have been through HELL. I mean HELL. 2 OM, a W who for months said nothing to me. A W who made me feel like everything was my fault. A W who trashed me and our M to everyone that would listen. A W who rip apart a family. A W who rewrote history, A W who take NOT one piece of responsibility, A W who is so f*cking lost right now, that nothing I, her mother, her father, some friends say to her matter. No one has been able to talk any sense to her.
For months I made this about HER. Months. I have sat and watched her attempt to turn the kids against me, I have sat and watch her run after a man that is married and totally ignore her kids. I have sat and watched her try to screw me at every chance she could. I have spent days, nights, weeks, months in a state of emotionally torturing myself. Replaying every convo, every argument, every vaca. I have been thru Hell so I KNOW where you are at. After all of this I have come to realize a few things that I think you MUST accept.
1) You will always love the women that I married 2) The women that you married is DEAD 3) The M that you had is dead 4) As the DB principals teach us, you can only FIX YOURSELF 5) The women that your married is (or believes she is) in love with a married man 6) The women that your married is probably a codependent as ARE YOU (or so it appears) 7) The women that YOU married has serious insecurities that she may never look at 8) That she is gone 9) That the impact of this will be felt for years to come 10) That she is RESPONSIBLE FOR HER CHOICES and YOU are responsible for YOURS.
I am not saying that all is lost or gone. Nope. I am saying that YOU can only change YOU. YOU can only change YOUR actions.
When you accept this maybe the following realizations that I have had will come to you.. these are:
I have also come to realize 1) I am one sexy motherf*cker! 2) The one day I will make some women extremely happy 3) My happiness is NOT tied to her 4) That I choose and CONTROL my life 5) That although I too made mistakes I have owned them 6) That I will be okay 7) My kids will be okay 8) Chances are that she will fall on her face 9) The OM can have her…because honestly I do not want her, at least not the person that she has become. 10) That I must first RESPECT myself before anyone could respect me
Having said all of this, I want to tell you that RIGHT NOW, this VERY second I want you to let go of her. DO what you must to do this. Tell yourself “fu*k her”, tell yourself that she is dead. Remind yourself that right now she may be polishing OM knob and that YOU deserve better. You do. One day, she will need to answer for her actions. This is not your problem.
You are afraid buddy and I can see it. F*ck I can feel it in your post. Stop for a second…I bet you did not think you would survive this. We’ll you are. I bet you thought that she would come around. And maybe she will. Not your problem right now. I bet you thought that IF you changed a few things, felt sorry for yourself that she would feel sorry for ya. It will not work. DO know what will work?
Be a MAN! Not an as*hole, just a man. A man that understands that everyone makes mistakes. A man that will not accept being treated like a piece of crap. A man that has compassion and love in his heart. Not just for HER but for HIMSELF.
Stand up buddy – db 101 – change how you look at the sitch. DB 101 – GO Dark on her as*. Db 101 - change YOU. DB101 – Work on YOU. Db101 – GAL.
Let her go buddy. Cry, get it out, Feel the anger that I have yet to see you display in your post. Your W is f*cking someone else. Give her what she wants. I’m damn sure that one day she is going to come back crawling when the little fantasy world that she is living in right now begins to crumble. During this time, you focus on YOU and the kids. F*ck her.
During this time you heal. You become everything you ever wanted to be in your life. You become bigger, better than anything YOU ever wanted. Not what she wanted. NO. She wants to destroy a family and feel emotionally fulfilled. You must get to a place where you want better for YOU and YOUR kids.
I bet now your like probably thinking she won’t come back…what about my kids..what about my finances. This is wrong, blah, blah, blah….
Do you want her back now? I mean really? Would you want her to come home with the kids and then every weekend jet so that she can go f*ck OM? Com’on dude – man up.
Look at it this way.,..do you think the first time she goes out or has to stay late at work that the new guy is not going to be wondering if she is now fu*king someone else? I bet he is. Do you think when he goes out that she is not going to be wondering if he is now interested in another married women? Dude, her R with him is based in lies and betrayal. Do you want that? DO you want to feel second? Fu*k that! You deserve better.
Can your M survive this? Honestly, probably not. That is the truth – if ya want some soft cookie cutter response then I’m sure someone else will provide it. Not me. Wanna know why?
Cause when I let my W go and really started working on myself – for me not for her – well then I began to change. I began to feel better. I began to see who I was. I began to find things about me that I wanted to kill and I started to kill therm. Does one cycle through feelings – ayep – but I know I will make it AND SO WILL YOU.
As for the kids, stop letting her dictate what you do, when you do it. They are YOUR kids too. Fight for them! They need you and they need a strong dad, not a push over.
She will not let you see them, call your L and tell him to take off the kids gloves and go fight for them. Dude, you can replace a W..ya can’t replace a DAD. You only get one of those. SO go fight.
As for Thanksgiving, dude go have a blast- Have some fun. Last year was the first turkey day without my kids in 16 years. It hurt no doubt- but I made it. I found my strength. Find yours at any cost. The cost right now, is to let her truly go.
Fear? You are still chitting in YOUR boots because YOU think something YOU do will bring her back. It may it may not. DO you really think you can control her? I mean really.
You feel like chit because you handed over all of YOUR power to HER. Take it back. Take it back NOW. DB101 – If something is not working change it.
Part of me wants to reach thru this screen and hug ya dude. I know the pain. I almost blew my head off when this chit happened cause I felt helpless, I felt worthless, I felt weak, I felt lost, I felt tired, I felt like chit. Know what? Feeling change. Oh, I lost 68 lbs. I could not sleep. I had nightmares. I sat and watched this women act like I was Lucifer reincarnated. I was not.
Please buddy, make this about YOU. Please use the anger and pain to propel you forward. Stop walking on eggshells around you. Do you want to know when my W stopped really treating me like chit. When I stopped allowing it. Have I been respectful? Yes but for me and the kids – not for her. I really wish her not harm. Nope – and I actually hope that she finds what she is searching for…cause I know I did.
I found ME.
A man that is strong, caring, loving, committed, smart, sexy, funny, one hell of a dad, one hell of a friend, ….
I found ME
And dammit I love ME.
So buddy, how about you join me..join in the journey of fixing our issues and becoming all that we want to be.
Men of honor, character, strength, love, compassion…..men that buddy, our Wifes will look back on one day and ask themselves…”WTF did I do”….when that day happens Lost….and it will…
WE DECIDE!
Yep, we decide if we want’em back.
Now do me a favor and before you respond…go read all of my threads.
Here is my current one and from the first page you will see the original ones….warning if ya read em- they are gonna hurt, especially the first few, then you will see what I am trying to get you to see
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Let me start by saying I have read your posts, and you are an inspiration. You have come out of this a great person, and I hope to be as at peace in the end as you are.
Reading your posts made me think that we lived the same life with the same wife.
You have read me like a book, everything you posted was spot on, everything, from the fears to the lack of anger, it's unbelievable.
This is where I wish the PM function worked, I have interacted with people I wish I could talk to on a more personal basis.
Have a great Thanksgiving, and I appreciate your posts. Please continue to post in my threads.
Again, it is unreal to me that you nailed everything from me to my wife.
M-38 W-37 T-16,M-11 (Oct 30,1999) S-5 S-2 Wife left 7/4/2010
"When life hands you a lemon, say, 'Oh yeah, I like lemons! What else ya got?" — Henry Rollins
