GREAT session with Jody this morning! She REALLY is amazing and has a lot of knowledge about MLC. Cas, I think this will be particularly interesting to you. I wanted to share the main points. WARNING.......this will be long, but it's well worth the effort:
First, we tied up loose ends from our last session:
(1) Jody asked what happened with the forensic analysis --She said said that there is some close associate of XH's who is threatened by my R with him. If it was from BMF, it was probably an act of aggression against XH as well as me. BMF was probably feeling like XH was becoming more open toward me and is threatened by it.
(2) I asked Jody how to respond to comments like XH's statement "We had some really great times together, but living together was difficult." --Jody said she would focus on the answer to the first part “Yes! We DID have some good times together. ….Remember when we did this (insert fun memory here)?…….” --She said to think about the "Motives and Behavior Chart" (I will have to try to find this). XH's statement above is a power and control behavior. The way to respond to this is to agree with the positive statement. Reminisce about a fun time together. Stay focused on the event, rather than the R…because after the convo is over, XH's memory will focus on the happy memory that we talked about rather than the negative thought in the 2nd part of his statement. The happy memory is not threatening to him…and when he goes away he can think about the memory of the positive event and ignore the negative statement. She suggested that I can introduce this concept into a convo by saying “I was thinking about something that you said awhile back about how much fun we had at (fill in the blank with a wonderful memory). I’d love to go back there! I may ask a friend to go with me. Life is too short to not go to great places!”
Then I asked her my new questions:
(3) I told Jody that I was disappointed in XH's behavior (lack of integrity) in that he has not told GF#2 about the amount of contact he and I have been having. --Jody said “Men going through MLC act in ways that is very uncharacteristic.” She has seen very good examples of men returning to their pre-MLC selves and becoming even better people after the crisis is over after they have had time to heal.
(4) Regarding the question of cake-eating, I told Jody that I was frustrated that I may be stuck in the "friend zone" with XH and asked her how to keep from staying stuck there? (BTW, Missher, you were 'right on' with your analysis of this! ) --I asked Jody if XH was cake-eating since he has GF#2 for $ex and me for fun? (Here's the money shot.) She said that in situations like this, in XH's mind the GF may provide some incentive for me to keep up my changes. XH may be afraid that if GF leaves the picture I may revert to the old behavior. (Remember that XH said “We had some really great times together, but living together was difficult”.) I have become a lot more about fun since ditching my old job, but XH may have trouble believing those changes.
Because of the things that XH said to me about GF#2, Jody thinks that GF#2 is a placeholder. She said that sometimes to up the ante, we (LBSs) need to be less available and the holidays are a credible time to do that. Even though I haven’t been initiating a lot I’ve been pretty available to this point. She said that maybe I need to beg off a TT game saying that I have plans. She said that I should be really friendly when I do that (“Hey. Next week is not going to work for me. Let’s plan on the week after.” Don’t even volunteer why.)…..and then don’t initiate contact, but let 2 weeks go by so that he misses me. Jody thinks he feels PRETTY good about himself when he is with me and he will miss that.
On the occasions when I see him, she told me to take more risks about flirting (in the past Jody has described this as being like a firefly --- sparkling intensely but for brief periods so that the WAS finds it interesting when it occurs)…..but pull back and see him less often. This is not doing 180s…..this is unabashedly strategy. She said “This is what we call arousal”. When he sees me, I should be all about building up his ego, but have the attitude that “I have my own life”. If he’s in a sexual R with GF and in an asexual R with me, then there’s nothing to compare. Also, if XH continues to see me in a platonic context, theres no reason for him to think things might be different. A lack of $exual excitement preceded the bomb so showing XH my flirtatious side will be a 180. Flirting should be frisky and playful, not seductive. Flirting should convey this attitude: “I’m having so much fun in my life. Ain’t life grand? And TT is the best!” Jody defines flirting as “when someone comes into our energy field and they feel better about themselves for being there….and they look at us and think “She’s so much fun. She’s a hoot! I love being around her”. Jody doesn’t encourage the kind of flirting that makes people wonder “What’s her motive? Where is this going?” It’s just you being really generous with who you are.
.......so a LOT of really good stuff today. I wanted to share this with you all.
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