Quote: I'm not sure if I should get her anything. What do you guys think? If so, what would be a good present for a W who is on the fence like mine is? Mine used to like flowers at her work, so the other girls could uh and awe. Nowdays I give money to my D, and tell her to spend it on her maw.
Quote: W has swung to being neutral in her behavior towards me. She still slam the door a little but, she actually left the coffee pot on this morning. For me, it was making breakfast, and leaving it for me. When she did not make it, I knew something was wrong. Thing is I did not know at that time to ask her what was wrong.
Actually when it we did talk honest, her list was so long, I just gave up. Little did we know all the help there was out there to help us. I believe SBT, could have fix most if not of all the problems.
Does she know about LOVE BANK, and LOVE LANGUAGES????
Update. Br hasn't been on the board for awhile. I didn't want anyone to think W put a pillow over his face and sat on it to smother him.
The past 7 days have been a mix of emotions to say the least. W went from being nice and friendly a couple weekends ago to cold and distant slamming doors. Last Friday, BR went to see his attorney just to get things in order just in case. The meeting with the attorney was actually a nice one. My lawyer is a female who has been divorced and has a lot of it in her family. She says she's pro marriage and would like to see us make it. She asked the normal stuff about property and what not. She then asked about other things like her state of mind and what's going on in general. I told her of the breast deal, the sick family member, her concern for her little cousin and all the other stress stuff that came on her during the last half of the year along with her talk.
She said she wasn't a doctor but could tell the woman was depressed. She said if I wanted to, and this thing moved forward, she could motion for court ordered marriage counseling. That would be a good way to get her there but I'm not sure about that. What do you guys think. W won't do it because she feels only bad stuff will come out and she "doesn't feel anything for me." At least that's what she said a few months ago. My attorney also said she knows her attorney well and he's into saving a marriage if possible. She said she would fill him in on the other stuff I told her and see if he wanted to try and talk to her about counseling and such. She also wanted him to know she was on the case so no funny business. I left feeling pretty good about the prospect of real talking about things. I don't know if he's talked to her or not but he may have the day I left the office.
Last Friday, she called home to ask the girl what she wanted to eat as she was coming in. I could hear her telling her what she wanted and then she said she would come down to as BR what he wanted. I heard a silence and a OK. She came down mad and told me when she asked mommy about me, she said she wasn't talking about getting me anything. That pissed me off so I left to get my own thing. The girl had a little friend over for a sleep over so W ordered pizzas and the annouced she was splitting to go to her friend's house who is having problems at home. Assuming she's telling the truth, I don't see how she can help someone with domestic problems when her house is in a mess.
The next several days, were crazy as well. She was and has been very nice to me. So much so, I'm on alert. The kids say to watch out but go with it, she may be changing. They may be right but my nature is to watch out. Her birthday was this weekend and we were going to do something. She announced that her work friends were having something for her and she would be going out with them. The kids were pissed saying that she puts those guys ahead of us. I couldn't argue with that. She said we could celebrate the next day. I was off so they wanted to fix up the house with balloons and stuff. When she got home she came to tell me how bad her day was and the proceeded to fool with the dog while the kids were calling her to come to the loft. They had a ballon drop planned. It took her 10 minutes to come around and she acted less than impressed. Again, they were not happy.
I don't know where her head is. She's in her early 30's but I think in addition to the other stuff going on, she's going through an MLC. She thinks hanging with the younger in age and/or mentality people at the club is too cool and to hell with the kids. I hope she gets through this phase soon. In addtion to losing myself, she's going to lose the kids too. They've had a belly full of this crazy making.
Corri. Only in my mind and dreams. It's hard to pin her down now a days long enough to try. Rest assured, you will know if/when I do. It will register on the sesmic scale. Hopfully.
Today would be a great day as it's snowing and icing here. But, she just came in from her annual over night trip with her best friend and her mother. She's out for the count.
Her flip flop behaviors makes it hard to pin point a time to try for the goal. I know excuses. However, she's all over the place over the past couple days. I'm sure her lawyer told her that my lawyer thinks we should put things on hold and get counseling. I think that's why she may have flipped out Friday and acted nice on Saturday afternoon.
Another BR update. The past few days have been pleasant but strange. On Saturday, W went out with her best friend for their annual night on the town. I stayed with the kids and did pizza games by the fire and such. This thing she goes on is a standard thing as long as I've known her. Anyway, me and the boy were out doing our thing. He told me he was hoping mommy would be gone by the time we got home. I did a little bit too because of the way she acted on Friday. When I get home, I'm surprised that she's acting nice and cordial. She got together and I must admit she looked nice. She yelled to me a couple times she was leaving. The second time I told her to have a good time. She stood around a few seconds looking at me as if I was supposed to say something and she split.
Sunday she gets home around 3 in the afternoon. It was a raw cold day so I had the fire going and getting my dinner and stuff together. We played games again. She came in and talked to me but like a mutt, I didn't really speak to her because of her mess on Friday. She went to sleep. After she got up, she made an effort to get a conversation going so I stopped acting silly. She surprised me by talking and actually eating at the table with us. She played games and the night went well.
Yesterday, she comes into the room quietly, not banging like she has been. She went into the walk in closet and closed the door so the light wouldn't hit me. She left the room quietly and actually left the coffee pot on with more than a swallow in it.
She came home and decided she wanted to cook so I sat in the kitchen and talked to her like old times. That was cool. She ate at the table again and did some work she had brought home. She then went upstairs to the room and stayed there for awhile. I figured correctly she was getting her stuff ready for work today. She then came down 1/2 hour later and had a tude towards me. Go figure.
This morning, she comes in and wakes me up early because of the snow and ice. She was still quiet and the coffee pot was right again. She actually called me as I was pulling in the lot to see if I made it in one piece. That was a surprise. She talked about her card being on the blink to. At lunch, I went to the parts house to get stuff to fix the problem.
It's strange how nice she's acting. The kids are glad she's nice like this. We can't figure it out. I'm waiting for the shoe to drop. She got a letter from her lawyer. I know it's what my attorney reported about our meeting. She said I think it's in our best interest to get some help and salvage the marriage. I think she may already know about this.
I wonder if she's acting nice because my lawyer is talking and she thinks I'm ready to split or did her finally hearing from my lawyer hit her?
Who knows???? We'll see what happens when she reads that letter.
BR: When she stood there for a moment, as she was walking out the door to be with friends, she was wanting you to tell her how nice she looks. I think that she is starved for ATTENTION as well as sex. She just wants you to notice her.
Even if you feel that you are not ready for sex, be sure and give her little signs that you notice her. It seems to me that you are both standing on opposites sides of a huge field and neither one is willing to be the first to make a move. Look, it took two of you to get where you are, and it will take the both of you to meet in the middle. Does it really matter who goes first??
I think that you WILL get your heartfelt apology from her, in regards to the cart boy, but it will be a long time away. Try not to make that a pre-requisite to reconnecting with her.
One other question: When she does nice things for you, do you thank her? What if her love language is words of affirmation, as well as physical touch? Is there something that you could be missing? That is...she thinks you don't notice or don't care about her (small) efforts such as leaving the coffeepot on, so she refuses to do them.
I don't know...just thinkin out loud.
Thanks for the update! Glad to hear of the counseling. I would be sure and let her know that you are in favor of the counseling and that this was not just the lawyer's idea.
Things seem to be on an upswing! Lots of good little things going on. I'm happy for you, BR.
Hey HP. Thanks for the reply. To say the last couple days have been interesting have been an understatement. The day you replied, I came home to find an invitation from my W to attend a D hearing in late March. I don't think I was surprised. It was filed on the last day possible before being dismissed in this state. I don't understand why the date is so far away. I know my attorney spoke to her attorney and filled him in on the sitch with the W. She said she would ask him to slow things down a bit and suggest the counseling thing.
W has run from being snotty and doing her morning noise routine to being nice and such. She surprised me the day I recieved that notice by coming home early. She asked me was there anything important in the mail. I replied just junk. Which was true. The invite was stuck in the door. She looked at me and went about her biz. I think she wanted me to show some reaction to getting the summons. I'm not doing that. I just acted as if nothing came.
After that, she began to get nice to me again. That I don't understand. A couple days ago, she came to me asking about the tax return and how will we split it. I told her down the middle I thought. She then said she didn't think that was fair as she worked her azz off at her second job. She also had the nerve to say the kids were her's as well. I let it slide but I will let her know that she couldn't have worked her second job if it wasn't for my support here at home. I put off going back to school last year for this reason. My being home also enabled her to sit in the parking lot with cart boy and do whatever else it is she's into. I'm thinking of pointing out that this time last year, she "lost" her portion of the mortgage that I had to cover. I also missed my brother's wedding in Vegas due to her losing her mortgage money and not paying a portion of it in Septemeber. This caused our mortgage to go up $600.00 per month. I'm thinking of preparing a spread sheet that shows EVERY time the kids were sick last year, I took my days off to take them to the doctor and paid for the visit and meds. She didn't have days last year because she blew most of them in the Bahamas. Bear in mind, this is a person who screwed up our mortgage and caused me to miss out on a once in a life time event.
I've also noticed another disturbing pattern. The guilt trip on the kids. W sleeps in the loft. The boy wanted to sleep in his own bed but mommy asked him to crash on the floor with her. He tried to come up with every excuse to get out of it but she wasn't having it. He finally gave in when she nearly begged him. She does this a lot and he's tired of it. She then was telling him about a minor surgery she may have to have. Not on her breast but her foot. She was telling him about the anethesia(sp) and such. Well, we just had to put and old pet down due to health issues. The kids know about the sedative before the death shot and it's still in their head. I don't like the fact that she's using stuff like that to get sympathy.
To top things off, I was washing morning dishes the other day when her phone rang. She automatically said hi to the caler. This dude's name was the same as cart boy. I'm not sure if it was him or not. Their talk went to that of him having house problems and him telling her he had a sugar momma and some other mess. I just continued to wash the dishes like a @#$T%$# but I didn't dig that. I didn't send a reaction to her.
That night, the kids were going to be gone. I figured she would be late at work so I went out cut a rug and had a couple drinks. I pull in as she was pulling in. Not late around 11. But she normally gets home 2 hours earlier. I went upstairs and turned on the tunes as I had a step in my head took a shower and went downstairs. She gave me some crazy look. I'm not allowed to take a shower during non standard times as it may appear I'm washing something off. Go figure. To make things worse, it appears she on her period again. Femine stuff is coming out. This will make her 3rd period since mid December. I wonder what this could mean.
BR Update. Well folks the W is acting even more bizzare. Yesterday, I sent her an email at work to let her know her boss would be in a horrible mood. I then received and email from D at school in comp class. She said she wasn't feeling well. The school nurse called to tell me she thinks she will be ok. I called W to tell her. She wanted to know why she called me. The girl always has called me because she knows I can get to her anytime during the day if need be. Anyway, I told W I could pick the girl up at lunch and drop her at the house. W said no, she would do it. After a few hours, D calls from home checking in. I asked her how she felt. She said she toughed out the day. I asked her did her mom come to get her. Her reply was no. I don't know why W would say she would pick the girl up and not do it other than to make sure I didn't.
When I got home, S told me mommy was mad at me. He said the mommy can hear me and D whispering in my office. She told him she knows we're talking about her and this shyt will stop. He went on to say that mommy said I was brain washing the girl against her. Me and the girl do talk about things including mommy. I don't down her. Not that much. I don't defend her crazy behavior. In fact, 1 out of 5 conversations revolve around her. He then said she was mad because she was broke until pay and I should be giving her money. Her paranoia is getting out of hand I think.
Later, she came in hollering about her laundry. She asked who messed with it. I just shrugged my shoulders and said I didn't know who did it. She just yelled out "BR, CAN'T YOU JUST GIVE A STRAIGHT ANSWER OTHER THAN SOME SMART AZZ ANSWER"
I just sat there an went about my business for a little while and then left to meet a friend/customer for a drink. I did myself up a little bit because the lady was cute. I get back to find out W was mad at me again because I left. She told them I was mad at her for being mad at me. No not really. I had a chance to get out and make a couple bucks, have a drink and get away from the noise.
I don't know what is going on in her head. She's starting to act 10-96(local cop for crazy). Her paranoia and mood swings deft logic. I thought it may have something to do with her extra periods that only seems to last a day or so. I sometimes wonder if she's getting physical with someone. The last time we did it, for that matter most the time, she is very tight and I can't/don't continue.
Right now, her phone rings again, she's on the phone like a school girl talking to a guy. Or at least I assume it's a guy. I'm beginning to wonder if I want to try and make this thing work. With this crazy making and such, I don't know. My vow to God makes me want to try. However, I beginning to feel the need to free myself of her nonsense.
If she wants to cat around or do whatever, I can't stop her. I hope she does realize the damage she's doing with the kids. A friend of mine told me that she was doing the talking to her friend on the phone. She now is asking me if I will be going out on Friday. It seems she's going out with her buddy. Female that is and won't be home. She said she's not driving back from a neighboring town. She just said if I'm going out, the kids can watch themselves and call her friend 3 blocks away if anything comes up.
I don't know what to make of this latest development and RIGHT NOW, I don't think I really care what she does. To make things worse, Valentine's Day is coming up and BR is flashing back to the day. He's looking at the first thing W gave him for their first Valentine's Day, a pewter bi-plane on a crystal cut mirror. BR is a pilot and most things W gets him revolves around flying, golf, Nascar or Star Trek. I don't know what if any kind of card I will give her this year. I don't think I'll cook up a special dinner or take her out. I'm sure she would rather go and get something from her squeeze. Assuming I'm reading things right. For all I know, she's running a game on me.
All these emotions are hitting BR hard. I can't stand her sorry azz but on the other hand, I was worried sick about her yesterday when she failed to pick the kid up from school.
I think you two need it pronto. You are both acting out against the other because you are so danged mad at each other. You know that this will not getcha anywhere.
You are acting out by having conversations with the kids which foster an Us against Her mentality in your house. This causes her to cling to them even more and direct her kindness and love languages towards her kids instead of her husband (as is the case with her wanting to sleep in the loft with the boy).
She, of course, is acting out with the mysterious phone calls and her anger towards you.
You need some kind of "in" with her. A way to reconnect with her cause what you're doing AINT WORKIN. The counseling would at least get you two talking to each other and that would be a good start. From there, perhaps you can progress on to a family night out for pizza and then maybe from there to a date just for the two of you. You must take action and take it soon. I see her getting wilder and wilder and losing her grasp on your family life.
As far as VD is concerned, by all means YES get her a card and a small gift if that is what you normally do. If you can't find a card that says, Stop being a dumbazz and chasing after cart boys, then just get a blank card and make your own message. Ok that was a joke about the cart boy stuff but really blank cards are a lifesaver sometimes.
BR: Valentine's Day is a toughie. You start looking through cards and see all these loving messages and think "not relevant to my situation" and "I remember when I felt this way about her" and you end up frustrated. VD sucks.
