XH is marrying OW after only 5 months of D!!

[figgeroni]

thanks Karen....

I am madly and passionately in love with the life I have...it pisses me off sometimes but that is passionate too

and....

it is MINE

not for anyone else but me

since it is the only life I will have (well here anyway) i have decided if it doesn't rock my universe, it isn't worth my time

[lea74]

So, after 3 weeks, the police finally managed to track down OW to issue her with the harrassment warning. It is not the route I wanted to go, however based on the fact that she continues to text me rubbish, even when told not to and advise from my L, it had to be done.

The Police officer called me to say that he didnt issue the warning but rather gave her some strong words. This was due to the fact that XH said that he sent the texts from her phone - not her!! WTF!!! Does he think I am stupid?? The texts from OW were sent at the same time as texts from him. How is he able to send texts from two different phones at the same time?

Also, cant believe that XH has now stood up for OW and lied for her to the police officer. If you look at the content of the texts they are all about her being my sons, forthcoming stepmom etc!!

I think what makes me so sad about all of this is how XH has changed so much. He has really reached an all time low, lying to the law, standing up for her. This is not the man that I married.

[lea74]

So in regards to the above, I received the following email from my XH:

For what's it worth, I am sadly writing today to tell you that based upon your recent antics (and having taken some additional legal advice as a result there of), we have unfortunately been left with no choice but to sever all communications between us (Sally and I), and you, bar that of the email form and ONLY then in respect to the boys. As this is obviously what you wanted, I hope you are happy with your achievement. Bizarrely, we on the other hand believed it didn't have to be like this... especially as we believe this is not in the best interests of the boys long term....
Guess there is not much more I can say or do.... P.

He really does have a demented sense of reality. No, it didnt have to be like this if they behaved like adults and had a little respect for me, the mother of his sons. I am really tired of him referring to them in duplicate. Any communication with XH will be about my sons and will only be with him, not her - she doesnt count. (This is what XH keeps telling me - I dont count!!)

[lea74]

Watched a programme today which made feel really sad. It was about a family, that had suffered the loss of a child and the H also had an A. They decided to work on their M after 2 years of being seperated and even moved country to try to make their family work.

I know that this is a question I wont get an answer to, but why weren't we good enough for H to fight for. Why was our family not good enough, why was his happiness so much more important than ours, me his wife and his two beautiful sons.

[frank_D]

I know that this is a question I wont get an answer to, but why weren't we good enough for H to fight for. Why was our family not good enough, why was his happiness so much more important than ours, me his wife and his two beautiful sons.

Because they have a childish view of life. In their lives, when you are not happy or don't think you are getting what you 'deserve', you go find it elsewhere. That's the easy way out, mostly because they don't value what they have.

And in reality, we were partners in that relationship with our own issues and reactions. That's just the way it is.

Getting stuck in the 'why' just keeps you well, stuck.

It no longer matters 'why'. It only matters that you heal and make your life worth living, for yourself and your children.

That's what I'm doing.

[BeingMe]

The irony is that she now travels a lot for her job whilst he stays at home (as I did for most of my marriage), I guess he is also scared that she will cheat on him.

It seems he now has the role you played in your M ... maybe he will eventually know what it felt like. This OW is nasty, just like he was, and there will come a time (if there is any justice in the universe) where the fantasy will end. Who knows what she will do? If she can cheat with him, she certainly has the ability to cheat on him. And the same for him.

Hey, I'm from SA too.

Your question about why you weren't good enough to fight for .... you are, but he is blinded by his own "awesomeness" (picture me with my finger down my throat) and OW's "financial wealth" (gag). Who, may I ask, is the greedy one now? At least, you worked too, and the mother of his children.

I would be tempted to reply to one of her emails where she talks about being the boy's stepcheating-mother ... "you may possibly come to be their SM, but at the time XH and I created our sons, it was wonderful making love within the realms of a true marriage, ordained by God, and knowing we would be making a family. You can never know that feeling, only the destruction of XH's family, which he was certainly a party to, but you can never, ever replace me. I will always be his first wife, his first chosen, the mother of our children. You will always be a carbon copy at best."

Perhaps not send, but know that that is who she is. Insignificant!

Take care.

[BeingMe]

I still don't know why with my H either. We've been back together for 5 years, and the only explanation was "she made me feel good." Now, we are possibly separating again. And, I don't know, again, why he is the way he is. He changed after the A, and never truly came back. Or, maybe my perception of him changed. I dunno.

One can go insane wondering the why's. You'll never have a satisfactory reason. Made him feel good ... what the heck does that mean???? He would put his family in danger of destruction because a voice on the phone made him feel good???? Crazy.

[lea74]

XH is driving me crazy!!! Last year he took me to court to get a contact order. It meant I had to court a couple of times and my sons were also interviewed by a court reporter. It was really stressful for all of us and not something I wanted. I was hoping we could somehow co-parent our kids. However in hindsight it has been a good idea as the purpose if create structure and give us a framework from which to work.

However since the court order has been in place XH has asked on numerous occassions to changes dates, drop off times etc. Really this goes against the function of the contact order. He is a bully and we dont communicate so for me this piece of paper has been fantastic. As it alleviates all the negotiating stress.

Anyway he has now said he cant drop our sons off on sunday at the alloted time and as per the court order. I am currently unemployed as was made redundant last and therefore financially things are really tight. (have a massive solicitors bill and also XH managed to leave me with some big debts). He lives 45 miles away and I really cant afford the gas to go and fetch my sons. In fact I do 100 miles a week just doing the school run. He does not do anything with our sons other than have them on his weekend. The judge said that on the odd occassion if I could then I should fetch my sons which I agreed to, however I can not on this occassion. Also XH has only informed me, so hasnt given me any notice and also didnt ask. But rather told me saying: that it wasnt up for discussion and that I had to fetch them on this occassion. Otherwise he would return then when he could.

I am really not being unreasonable. I do all the school runs and everything else for our sons, all he needs to is fetch and drop them off twice a month.

I will not let him still bully me like he did in our M and tell me what I am and am not doing. In the past when I have needed help, like when I broke my coccyx and could hardly drive our sons to school, he told me it wasnt his problem and I needed to make a plan.

This is just so frustrating!!! I do feel however that I have set a boundary and therefore need to stick to it. In the past I have always backed down and let him get away with it.

[frank_D]

Yes, you do need to stick with the boundary. It's what we keep allowing to be crossed.

Tell him this is not part of the agreement and he has to stick with the agreement. That's setting your boundary. Plain and simple.

If he give you problems, then you need to tell him you will reluctantly go to the court if he cannot abide by the rules.

Just boundary setting. Plain and simple. No anger, no revenge, no punishment.

Boundaries. we need them

Take care.

[lea74]

Thanks Frank. You are absolutley right. I dont want to be mean or vindictive and I do want a co-parenting relationship with XH but there are boundaries and they need to be set.

I also dont appreciate him telling me what to do!! He gave up that right when he had the affair.

Will be contacting L today to see where I stand.