Moving Forward

[gutwrenching]

Now I have to find the inner strength to carry out with that gameplan. It came out of my mouth naturally, but then as the evening went on and I wore down, it becomes harder to execute.

I am resisting the temptation to contact OM...but I know it would feel good...but i know it probably would do no good.

[evolve35]

He's not worth your time.

(((Gdub)))

[evolve35]

Keep thinking about you. I hope things are going well and you have found the strength you needed.
B

[gutwrenching]

not yet..but working on it
thanks for the prayers

I am still gathering strength...W still seems on the fence

[evolve35]

Sure. Glad to hear from you. I know the boards are slow on the weekend and I have little to offer in the way of advice, but I will be around if you need to vent.

Did you run today?

[lostandconfused6]

Gutwrenching-
It is an addiction. I know exactly how you feel. I watched my husband cry that he had messed up his whole life. I kept it all a secret for him b/c he was so worried about his job. Then a couple of smoke signals sent out by ow and he is back at it. I don't have any other advice than I know how you feel. I will say this though, the fact that she came to you and told you about it is promising. Some of the sites that I have been on have said that it is very likely that they will get in touch with their affair partner, but she told you about it instead of resorting back to the lies. I really think that the lies make it the worst. So i think that you are doing the right thing giving her a few days, continuing to db and trying to leave the emotion out of it, thank her for being honest with you. Whatever you can do to keep her talking and being open with you will be helpful. Maybe do this for two or three weeks before going to plan b. I don't know if this is a good idea, but one book that I read " My Affair Became the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me" her circumstance was somewhat similar. Her husband ended up leaving for two weeks, but when he decided to move home he contacted the affair partner, as friends, for a couple of weeks. She talks about how she just tried to listen to what he told her. Then a few weeks in she gave him a letter that outlined exactly how she felt, and what she wanted in the marriage. I believe that she got the basic format for the letter from James Dobson's book "Love Must Be Tough".
I know I am rambling, and I don't really know first hand b/c my husband just keeps lying to me about his contact. But I would think that the fact that she is talking to you is a good sign. This woman says in her book that it is darkest before the dawn.

[gutwrenching]

THANK YOU LOST!
Someone else who gets it! Yes we are still talking
We talked for probably 3 hours last night. Got nowhere. Reiterated boundary, if you contact him, you are not welcome in this house
eet
BOttom line. She is ADDICTED. She knows that rationally she would be nuts to go to him. He doesn't meet her security need, I don't meet her need for that instant connection (can you say addiction) and everything else would be wash she says.

She needs help. I don't know how to get her help

I got to be honest...I don't know if I could do this for another two or three weeks. I have to decide that. But we were so happy for our first 3 months of piecing which she freely admits and agrees too...that I don't know if I can limbo land again which is where she is now.

I cant be positive there are no lies. She did lie and sneak to start up contact, but since then seems to have been fairly open.

I still think she is 70% leaning towards leaving the M

[lostandconfused6]

Can you direct her to people on here to talk to? I look at some of Sandi's first posts when she first ended her affair, and it helped me to really understand how "lost" they are and how checked out from us they are. Also, I know with my husband a lot of his relationship was through text and email. He was texting her or emailing her almost every minute from 7am until 12am. I think as much as he is addicted to her, he is also addicted to that electronic form of contact. Maybe having a support group that she is emailing, talking to others that have been there will help her get her head on straight, but also fill her need for "chatting" with someone. I feel just as helpless as you do. I have thought about exposing it at work, that would really cause them to hit rock bottom, but I need the child support and he could lose his job. Maybe exposing would work for you if it is not going to hurt you financially.

[gutwrenching]

Although I like the idea and it might really help her, there is no way i am telling her about this site. Too much I have posted here. IF she went looking, she would figure out who I was on here..wouldn't be that hard

[flowmom]

My guess is that she is 100% wanting OM, and 100% wanting to be with you. Hence the angst.

Your job is to detach from her drama. It's not your job to get her help or fix this for her. Stating your boundaries is the right thing to do...keep doing that. Let her know that you will help her in whatever way that you can when she commits to the M, but right now she's on her own. Trying to help her right now is codependent, and could actually provide her with the emotional security that she needs to make the break from your M.

You might want to read some Al-Anon stuff. If your W is addicted, you need to think about how to deal with addicts. Mostly you have to be very grounded in yourself and not allow yourself to be emotionally enmeshed with your W.

(((GW)))