"I also believe that until you've resolved ALL issues from your past relationships, you are not free to involve yourself with someone new. It's not fair to them."
Well, if you're going to stick to that, you may as well just forget about a new relationship.
We work our relationships with other people. Some work we can do on our own, but a lot of the work has to be done with another person, either in the process of reconciliation or through a new relationship. Changing people doesn't make the issues disappear, but neither does working on oneself alone. Some things just take two.
On the bright side, awareness of this makes working through things a lot easier. You can say, "Wait a minute, this isn't about you, it's about my old R..."
I don't think you need to resolve all issues from past relationships, but you certainly shouldn't go into a new, serious relationship until you know you are emotionally healthy. That's how many waywards become waywards. They NEED the relationship desperately to fill some void and/or heal some pain. It's not healthy to use a relationship for those purposes and many LBS are in an emotionally weakened and vulnerable state.
Yes, well, plenty of LBSs do the same thing. Here, plenty of DBers do it with each other (and others) with pretty poor results. So, I agree with you there.
So, what is emotionally healthy enough for an LBS thinking about dating?
(1) Being DONE with your old M. If you have to ask how you know that you are done, then you aren't DONE.
(2) Truly grasping why detaching matters to genuine intimacy.
(3) Seeing and acknowledging the deep ways in which the LBS hurt the WAS during the M.
(4) Letting go of the hate and being able to see the WAS from a detached perspective with compassion.
(5) Owning your choices. If you're still playing the victim, go to a recovery group rather than a meet-up.
