I did have a nice day today. Didn't get as much done as I would have liked, but then again I never do. The list is always there and grows faster than I can cross things off. Let go of the worry though and did what I could.
Did have to get out of jammies today, but only to take D3 to the park. Went with our neighbor & her son. She is a teacher and I got some advice on what to tell and not tell D3's day care. Her bahavior has been up and down there. Some days she just lashes out at the other kids one after annother. This has been getting better since I have been working on making things more predictable for her and making home her safe place.
On the H front, I have had verry little contact. Just bedtime calls and a couple short emails. All business emails btw. No invites or chasing. Forwarded paperwork to lower his car insurance to the minimum for him to sign. Almost did it myself out of habit, I was authorized and he had asked me to do it, but reconsidered. Don't want to leave myself open for legal atack, and I'm tired of being his secretarty. Forwarded a notice from the phone company about his data ussage being high. Also asked if it was ok for me to hijack his netflix for kid movies. He doesn't watch any here any more and doesn't take then to watch at his parent's place. Figure I might as well get some use from it for D3.
Painted annother coat on the bed H was making for D3. It has been sitting and waiting to be finished. I want it done, so I will just finish it myself. Tired of waiting around... in a lot of ways.
Made 2 banana cakes for gifts and D3 got a few more holiday cards decorated. They are beautiful. She is using glitter glue and all kinds of random bits and pieces to decorate. She also wants to write her own name on them. That takes a while when you are only 3, even if you only have 3 letters in your name.
Today has been up and down. The realization that my H will very likely never come home continues to sink in. I am working hard to detach with love, not just withdraw, but I am having a hard time with that. Especially now that I think I have successfully created a safe place for my daughter to talk to me again. Now that she is talking about her time with daddy and asking questions, I get to listen to and answer a lot of questions.
This morning D3 woke up and announced first thing: “Mommy, I have TWO homes, one with mommy and one with daddy!.” I stayed upbeat, but it wasn’t easy. I hadn’t had my coffee yet.
I played up the idea of it being special to have two homes. Made sure not to say her home with me was her “real” one. Went ahead and got the coffee started after that. I could tell it was going to be an interesting day with my D.
Little latter, but at least after I had a couple cups of coffee, D3 asks when we are getting a baby all our own. Before H left we had been getting her ready to be a big (or little) sister. We would have been completing our adoption home study about now, but D3 doesn’t know that. Think it was her aunt’s announcement that she is having a new baby that got her asking.
I sat down (3rd cup of coffee in hand) and dug right in. I told her that when mommies and daddies live in different homes it is not a good time to have a baby. Babies are a lot of work and I need to use all my energy to be a good mommy to just her right now. She asked if we could have one latter. I said I don’t know, but it would be a long, long time till mommy could think about any more babies again.
She then asked why daddy had to live in a different house. I told her that daddy didn’t want to live with mommy anymore. She would still get to see both mommy and daddy lots and lots even if her mommy and daddy didn’t spend time with each other any more. I told her we both love her and will keep taking care of her.
She chattered on and off about her homes all day. I think it is good she is doing well with the idea. Made me a bit shakier, but I’ll make it through. She wanted to call her daddy after church, but he didn’t answer. She left him a message, but he never called her back. We called him at bedtime since she was heading down early.
Have to admit that I almost slipped up tonight though when D3 asked: “where is my other mommy?” Felt like I had just been punched in the gut (yet again). Turned out she was just talking about our cat who is coincidentally named Mama Kitty. Probably the two houses thing got her thinking she gets two of everything. Maybe she will get that other mommy, but good lord, I’m not ready to deal with that.
Not sure if I’m doing this right. Just trying to reassure her, keep it simple, and not lie to her. All of that is hard to pull off right now.
Geez Zen, the "other mommy" question is a tough one. Thank GOD she was talking about the cat. Down the road if she ever is talking about the "other whatever", don't forget you might just meet a man who becomes like my niece's stepfather is to her...you know? Like a hands on real dad. So, maybe she'll have 2 daddies...who knows?
I posted a long answer to beatrice (on Antonia's thread though) and your sitch is different b/c you are relatively new here. But there's stuff in there that might help. She's posting about "Why the MLC?" Stuff, and in her sitch, it's been according to her, 5-8 years...so um, I thought you might benefit by reading that. TO ME, imo, it's like the extreme of stuckness and even though I fully understand "standing"...(I mean, hello? I did it and finally it worked) there comes a time when you just get sick and tired of feeling sick & Tired, as mentioned before.
Your sitch is interesting in that you'll be better off financially when h and you are finally divorced, if it comes to it. Most of the time I think that's actually true. Seriously, I mean COMPARED to being sep and hoping the WAS sends the right amount. They usually do not. And if they send more than legally required they're usually willing to keep that up anyhow. I'd hate the uncertainty of not knowing what he's sending IF any....that sucks.
Anyhow, was just watching for you. Good luck, keep on keeping on. Things will get better.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I think I will be able to handle 2 mommies better than my H will handle 2 daddies. Just speculating though. And though I am pretty sure she was talking about the cat, I'm not 100% secure about it. Best to keep detaching from H there.
For now, I am standing, but not like I was. Right now it is more a 'got nowhere else I'm in a rush to be' sort of stand. I have a lot of work to do on myself before I am willing to be open to a new R with my H or anyone else. I have lots of questions about that. My IC appt today was mostly about how I set myself up for betrayal and how I have been in denial about how my H has been treating me.
So far I have a perfect record. Every man I have ever been with has cheated on me. This is the last time though, even if it means being single. I'm kind of liking the single life right now wanyway.
