online dating tips #3

[kml]

Back to the twelve year old - I'm kinda bummed she's involving him in your relationship. I feel like kids shouldn't have to be involved in their parent's dates, until it is really serious and heading towards marriage.

That being said, it can be a very expensive proposition to hire a sitter all the time. It costs my friend about 50 bucks to go out for the evening with me, hiring a sitter for her 9 year old. Two dates a week would add up to $400 a month - more than most single moms could afford.

Soooooo---what's the solution? Seems like most people in this position date when their ex has the kids - but I'm guessing this woman doesn't have an ex who takes the kid? You could offer to help pay for the sitter. You also need to realize, this kid IS her priority and she's a package deal.

[MrBond]

I don't think you should wait until considering marriage to introduce the child. Probably when the relationship starts getting serious. If I went out with someone who didn't like my kids, I'd rather know at the beginning so I'm not wasting my time on her.

Just MO.

[newmama]

I agree with Mr. Bond--I read that second marriages have a higher chance of failing due to the stepchildren/stepparenting issues. I would like to see how my boyfriend will interact and treat my son before I accept a proposal. Just sayin'!

Golfgirl- maybe I read too much into your quote. I was trying to say that attracting people with problems doesn't mean that I am giving out signs of being desperate or having problems. (I have had 2+ men with major issues hit on me based on an online profile and as soon as I found out their "issues," I ran! If I were to stay in it that would be a different story.)

[kml]

Well, your date should meet your kids before you're engaged - but a lot of people are way too casual about involving their kids with their dates. The when the dating couple breaks up - it's like the KID went through a breakup too. They don't need to get attached to the people you're dating until there is a darn good chance it's heading to a serious long term thing.

[whatisis]

Yes, excellent point, kml!

[SunFunOne]

I met a guy several years back and just fell for him hard. He was so nice and we went out several times. I think I read more into it because he had said he would never introduce his kids to any girl until he was serious - that way they would not be hurt if things didn't work out. When I met his kids after a couple of months - I figured he was serious for sure. He dumped me a couple of weeks later when he told me things were getting serious with someone else and she was involved with his kids already too. I was in shock! He told me we were only friends and has no idea how I thought it might be something more.

I introduced my daughter to Josh early on because of the long distance thing. She was a teen so I just let her know it was fairly casual and she didn't hang out with us much anyway.

I totally agree that it is better to not involve your children for at least several months and until you are exclusive.

Barb

[oldtimer]

"I also believe that until you've resolved ALL issues from your past relationships, you are not free to involve yourself with someone new. It's not fair to them."

Well, if you're going to stick to that, you may as well just forget about a new relationship.

We work our relationships with other people. Some work we can do on our own, but a lot of the work has to be done with another person, either in the process of reconciliation or through a new relationship. Changing people doesn't make the issues disappear, but neither does working on oneself alone. Some things just take two.

On the bright side, awareness of this makes working through things a lot easier. You can say, "Wait a minute, this isn't about you, it's about my old R..."

I don't think you need to resolve all issues from past relationships, but you certainly shouldn't go into a new, serious relationship until you know you are emotionally healthy. That's how many waywards become waywards. They NEED the relationship desperately to fill some void and/or heal some pain. It's not healthy to use a relationship for those purposes and many LBS are in an emotionally weakened and vulnerable state.

Yes, well, plenty of LBSs do the same thing. Here, plenty of DBers do it with each other (and others) with pretty poor results. So, I agree with you there.

So, what is emotionally healthy enough for an LBS thinking about dating?

(1) Being DONE with your old M. If you have to ask how you know that you are done, then you aren't DONE.

(2) Truly grasping why detaching matters to genuine intimacy.

(3) Seeing and acknowledging the deep ways in which the LBS hurt the WAS during the M.

(4) Letting go of the hate and being able to see the WAS from a detached perspective with compassion.

(5) Owning your choices. If you're still playing the victim, go to a recovery group rather than a meet-up.

[oldtimer]

oh, let's add...

(6) Not accepting shoddy treatment from prospective dating partners. So many LBSs put up with the most insane things in an apparent attempt to prove to themselves that the WAS was wrong. (Perhaps people recall the DBer with the never seen guy stringing her along forever, constant obvious lies... Only an extreme case of a common phenomenon.)

[Golfgirl1]

Wow, some great perspectives on here from everyone! Thanks...

I'm "done" with my old M and enjoying dating. I will always be glad I waited until I got my "mojo" back before trying to be in a new relationship. I KNOW I have to be careful and not jump right into something and we are taking it slow. The guy I'm dating has been divorced for 7 years and seems to be working on himself as well. We'll see....
I know that I set the boundaries for how I allow him to treat me. So far, so good.
I need some help, though. I don't have kids and he has a 15 and 11 year old who live with him every other week. He sort of "implied" that Sat. nights without his kids would be our "date nights." Well, what if I have other things with friends on those nights? Do I save them all for him? I'm not thinking so....How do we find time to date? Help?!

[newmama]

GG--I think you make plans and if they happen to fall on a Saturday, bummer for him. NOt being mean, just being realistic! And guess what? He might actually want a night to himself alone or to be with his guy friends.

Also, over time, you will probably meet his kids which means you could see him more often.

Right now, the sacrifice is that you are dating a single parent.
Here are a couple of tips for this stage in your dating relationship:
1) DO NOT complain about not getting to see him when he is with his kids

2)DO NOT ask him to get babysitting

3) DO NOT bug him about meeting his kids

4) DO be relaxed and still have your own life and if you need to see your friends on that Saturday night, guess what? He might just ask to meet with you on a Tuesday night (on the weeks without his kids) or something!

5)DO remember that if this schedule thing is too hard for you, then it is and don't feel bad about it. You don't have to date him and don't feel guilty about it!!!