Thanks for the great posts Mike and Save. I agree with what you're saying about not trusting fully -- and that's my biggest problem. Well, outside of being devastated.
Are you supposed to keep up with the tactics that allowed you to find out about the affair in the first place? I hate combing through cell phone bills and other sources to see if she's back to her hurtful ways. But I don't wanna be a fool either. I feel crappy either way.
I've also stumbled upon another thing I never thought about: the "limbo" phase. The phase where she's ended the affair, but not fully back to working on the marriage. And it's a totally legitimate phase. I can see that's she's going through some weird sense of loss and is in limbo. She's working her way back to normal with the kids though and that's important. Just not sure how long this phase lasts and when we work on us.
She also mentioned that the OM gave her money too and hasn't asked for it back, but she feels she needs to pay him back. I said to her: "you can't stay away can you?" Her reply was, "I have so far." Which I guess was the right answer. One day at a time. I told her I'd write a check and mail it. She didn't love that.
Save, you're right about the affair being this new shiny toy. I will say this: once it's out in the open, it's not so shiny anymore. I think the A started to move from fantasy land to more like a real relationship and that snapped her to attention. I think she can that, but feels a loss at the same time.
The weird thing is that I came to grips that it was over, and now the marriage started breathing again. It's not a strong breath, but a breath nonetheless. I just need to decide if it's best for everyone involved or if that ship has sailed. I think the holidays will go a long way in deciding that, but I know my kids want their parents together again.
