She's in MLC, but I was weak. Now what?

[crushednstuck]

OK, a little journaling is in order.
I'm having a rough night. Tomorrow is the third anniversary of my Dad's premature death. I have conflicting emotions about this because my Dad left W and I to deal with my Mom's alcoholism. And W and I found she was drinking while watching our infant (at the time) kids. This contributed to R problems obviously. I've acknowledged to W that I didn't quite know how to handle this. My Dad and I were still on a father/son basis rather than man/man eventhough I was 39 when he died.

Dad left Mom indigent as all his money went into his businesses. He died owing W and I a substantial amount of money. No one in my family offered help; financially or emotionally - only advice from a distance. We now took in my homeless, alcoholic, widowed Mother and were thousands of dollars in new, unpaid debt.

My Dad was an entrepreneur, a sportsman, and a huge personality. We also found he was cheating on my Mom for three years prior to his death and probably had done so before. Strangely W took the lead in calling Dad's OW to confirm our fears. She threatened me at the time that if I ever cheated, the consequences would be huge. The irony is thick ain't it?

Tonight we both watched our S6 play baseball and returned to W's apartment for a traditional favorite dinner of my Dad's. She refused to celebrate/remember him tomorrow on the actual anniversary. It initially pi$$ed me off, but I was quickly over it to my surprise. I guess I was satisfied she was willing to remember him at all. And the family time was good.

I sit here again this year contemplating the damage my Dad's death had on my M. My inability to act on the sheer scope of changes at that time was definitely not helping the M. I was suddenly the patriarch of a traditional Southern family which was spread across the country and found I didn't have the tools to be that standard bearer much less a "good" husband at the time.

At the time, W said I needed to show more emotion - to her, to kids, to life in general. The last thing I needed was more instructions or demands on me. I ignored her nagging and now I find myself here.

Woe is me.