Thank you very much for your thoughts. I truly believe that there is not one “correct" or "black and white" answer in any of our situations and that we need to make decisions based on what is healthiest for each of our individual situations.
Alb, I appreciate you expressing your thoughts. My personal belief is that it is always good to look at situations from many different angles and I can certainly understand how the concept of an OW might not sit right with you. I am very glad that your H seems to be making progress toward coming home. That is what we all hope for.
My current path is not something I would have chosen and I am doing my best to move forward in this situation, as new information is revealed to me. If I was omniscient I would probably have made my decision about XH a long time ago....but I am not omniscient and since the bomb, a lot of new information about H/XH's character has been revealed to me slowly. Can't reveal all of my sources because some of that is private.........but I CAN say that I learned accidentally from an attorney who represented H/XH in a legal matter 10 years ago (chatted with this fellow while I was shopping for a D attorney) that he holds H/XH in high esteem because of the way he conducted himself during that difficult time. I also know from the GF of XH's BMF that H/XH was not having an affair when he dropped the bomb and didn't begin dating until 3 months after we had signed our D decree. There is more but I can't share it here.
I have always felt that H/XH was very special because of his integrity. It was only 3 weeks ago when I found out that XH wasn't telling GF#2 about our continued friendship that his integrity came into question for me. That discovery makes me feel disappointed in him, but I also recognize that he (like me) is human. .........Hey, even King David in the Bible (a great religious figure and beloved by God) committed adultery and murder......... I am making a mental note of XH’s behavior in this regard.
Originally Posted By: Truegritter
...if he is doing this to another woman what makes it safe for you to believe he has changed in a way that you might accept him back in your life as a partner?
Well certainly there would have to be a LOT of communication and acceptance of responsibility on XH's part for his share of what happened before I would accept him back. HeartsBlessing does a great job of describing this type of accountability in her posts and talks about how it is critical for reconciliation to be successful.
Originally Posted By: Mila
........there was no OW bomb while you were married...that came later after separation? Also doesn't seems to me that your H is committed to this current GF....they don't even live together...do they? and it seems to be on and off....and he hasn't really done anything that inappropriate...just played TT with his ex(GAG)?
Mila, you are correct. XH doesn't live with GF#2. XH already broke up with her once and told me that she wasn't the type of person he saw himself being with in a long-term R. XH told GF#2 that he doesn’t want to marry her so he may think that he has been clear with her that he doesn’t consider this to be a long-term committed R (that’s what my sister thinks). When I was a kid (many moons ago) I had a male roommate who wanted to marry me even though I thought I had been clear with him that I wasn’t interested in a long-term committed R. It was a time in my life when I was VERY confused about Rs (I had D’ed my first H a few years before and was trying to find my way). I know that I sent my roommate mixed signals and I feel very badly about how I hurt him. Not something I’m proud of, but I understand how that can happen when someone is confused……..I think that is why a lot of us are here……our MLCers are confused.
For the purpose of clarification, I have waited for XH to initiate a lot of our contact and social invitations since the D. Once we moved into firm friendship territory I began initiating up to 50% of the time. The ways in which I have flirted with XH are pretty tame by today’s standards: a touch on the arm, laughing and joking, brushing fuzz off of his shirt, and a little verbal jousting here and there. I haven’t stuck my tongue down his throat or anything like that, nor will I unless invited, if the time is ever right. XH has never initiated or responded in a physical way, other than hugging, which he does with all of his friends.
Sorry about the long post..........but I don't get to post all day while you all are chatting back and forth.
