Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[Lucky11too]

I just needs to get some thoughts down here. H continues to be, well, i guess a good word would be, attentive. He asks about my day, called on Tuesday to meet up for lunch (although he didn't call until 12:30 even though I take my lunch almost every day at 11:30), stayed last night to say hi when I picked up S. But on the otherhand, on his nights off, he has made no effort to see me. On Wednesday, he text to say he went to go see a country band audition for their place and that a bartender from the neighboring bar from his old place was bartending that night and she gave him a huge glass of straight bourbon! First of all, why even tell me that? Sometimes I don't know why he tells me the things he does. I would never know if he didn't. I told him he didn't have to drink it just b/c she gave it to him, but I never heard back. The next morning he responds that he was sorry for not texting back, but he didn't want to wake me (uh, when has that stopped him from texting before...like in the middle of the night?). Then that night (thursday), he texted to see what time I was coming to pick up S, and stuck around to see me. I tried to feel him out about hanging out with S and I after that(asked him what his dinner plans were "already ate" and later what his plans for the night "oh, be at my parents for a bit then head back to the new place"). I'm thinking that if he asks to come over tomorrow night after work, I'm going to turn him down b/c I don't think it's fair to always go off his schedule and when/where he wants. So, I don't know, it's just weird. Maybe like I said before, I'm just being super sensitive with what this week and weekend mean to me, but i still can't help this bad feeling. I'm understanding more and more that I just don't trust him, but nor is he making that any easier on me either. I hope we can get to counseling as these are defnitely things that need to be discussed (me learning how to trust him again and him being more open (with phone, etc) to help me do that).

One last thing that is bugging me, H has a really fast response time on emails. I forwarded him an email earlier about something he asked if I could order for him and he responded back within 3 minutes. This isn't first time like that either. Maybe it's my mind wandering againg, but what if he's changed to communicating thru email instead of texts with an OW(with these smart phones, emailing can now be basically like texting). Even if I could check the phone records, I wouldn't be able to see any of that activity. So I don't know if he gets email notifications when email comes thru like texts (anyone else have a smartphone?) or if he is really just on it that much (which makes me nervous). Even just seeing him on the phone at any time makes my mind go. I know it all comes back to trust and i just don't. Arrrggg. =/

In other news, it's been a long week too. S (and I) have been sick with bad colds which includes a bad cough. S has woken up everynight but one this week, and didn't want to go back to sleep. Blah! So being super tired and sick is definitely not a good combination with all that I'm feeling with H too. In good news tho, i've already finished all my christmas shopping (yay!) and am taking S tomorrow to take his Christmas pics. S picked out a really cute big boy outfit that has a vest with a train on it to wear. I just hope with him being sick he is not too grouchy though!