Beyond Depression..but still a losing battle?

[awest1217]

I would just say don't fake it and don't be passive aggressive either. If you don't like it then I would talk to H about it directly. Not dealing with the R, but that you don't feel it is the best thing to do. Even bring up how you need some help paying for stuff with S. Maybe give him a list of things to buy each month (not a lot, but maybe a pack of diapers a month or some of S's favorite foods, etc). IT definitely would not add up to what you would get in child support, but if you come at it right, H may be willing to help some.

Then again, it may all backfire and H may say that it is your fault you are separated and you have to deal with it unless you file, which would definitely set you back a bunch.

You know what is best, but don't feel like you always have to support H. If you completely disagree with something because it is harmful to H, then tell him. Make sure it isn't said out of telling him what to do, but out of concern for him.

I agree you should be upset because tatooes are expensive and he isn't helping you at all. Also when you tell him you have other plans he goes off, but you always have to be ok with him not choosing to be with you when you offer. You have a right to be upset, but it is how you comminicate those feelings that is important. H can't think that you are ok with everything if you are not because that is not a good way to start a new R, but at the same time you have to let him be him.

Continue to do what you feel is best because it keeps working, but I do feel talking to him straight is important. Saying "I feel angry right now because..." instead of being passive aggressive and short with him because then you are modelling good communication for the both of you.

Hope it all turns out ok.

[Lucky11too]

Those are actually really good points. Communication has not been one of my strong points, so hopefully that is something I/we can work on as we continue to move forward. I think I was afraid to say anything b/c I was so angry at the time and would have probably come off as attacking and demanding, despite my better intentions. Shutting down wasn't a great answer either, but at least it allowed me to hold my tongue...and for once, actually get miraculous results!!! As much as I wanted to go off on him, it wouldn't have helped, and would have only put us on the outs again. It definitely is a miracle tho. So H called (yes called, not text) this morning and wanted to have lunch w/ me. Despite a huge workload (with the holiday tomorrow), I agreed. I was still concerned about being "too nice" in response of what I thought had happened the previous day tho & still acted reserved. We met up at his new place, and when I got there, he gave me a big hug right in the middle. (He never really showed much PDA towards me at the old place!) Then we sat down and he proceeded to tell me that he ended up going to the brain Dr on Tuesday, but they couldn't see him until this morning, so he spent the rest of the day with S. So he went back this morning (50min appt) and the bottom line is they put him on an anti-depression/anti-anxiety medication b/c the dr felt that yes, he has stress in his life (don't we all), but that he is unable deal/cope with it on his own. I guess too he's been having very stressed filled dreams, so the dr said something about how it carries over to his sleep so that he cannot get a good nights sleep still. (I don't think I'm describing that very well, but you get the point). Obviously there are still no guarentees here, but I'm just estatic that he continues to make these small steps. Medication is still going to be tricky between confirming this is the right one for him, at the right dose, and then him sticking it out long enough to give it a chance to work & then continuing with it. As disappointed as I was at him for slipping back into his old ways, it was actually a blessing b/c it allowed him to see that too and finally take the next step & see the Dr! I was begining to be convinced that that would never happened. So i guess you just never know what is going to happen. Luckily it all worked out for the best this time, but I definitely have to learn to work on communicating better b/c i might not be so lucky next time!

So for tomorrow, since S is off from school and I'm off from work, we're going to have an outing day. I talked to H tonight and he's onboard, so we are going to take S to the acquarium tomorrow. My only concern is that H doesn't follow thru (too tired, doesn't feel well, etc...whatever the "usual" excuses), but I hope it does work out. I only told S that it was S and I that were going tho just incase (yes, it's good to be hopeful, but it's also smart to learn from the past so that S doesn't get hurt). But no matter, tomorrow will be a fun day, b/c I get to spend it with my fav little man! =)

[awest1217]

I am really happy for you! H is really making some changes and last year at this time, you probably would have never thought he would have done everything he has done. Are you where you want to be yet? No, but it took a long time to hit the bottom and it will take a long time to get out. Plus it is always easy to fall down, when you climb back up there can be slippery spots where you fall back a little, but you are still moving up. Who knows what will be next? It is exciting to see.

Just remember to communicate. So if you are upset and need some space, instead of being short just tell H that you will get back to him tomorrow or can we talk tomorrow because I am tired. Now it isn't the complete truth, but it will give you time to cool off and think about how to move on. Remember...48 hours so leaving it be for that long, maybe the situation, as this one, will work itself out. Just don't think you can't say something like I really want to hear from you, but I am so tired tonight can I text you tomorrow?

Have a great day TODAY!

[Lucky11too]

Today went well! I called H at 9 and he sounded in a great mood, got ready, and came over. S had a blast at the aquarium. He loved looking at all the fish and got a kick out of it when they looked back at him. At the beginning, S was very specific about holding both H's and my hand. It was super cute, and it felt like we were actually a family. By the end tho, when S started getting tired, it was all about mommy. H tried to hold his hand or hold him, but all he wanted was for me to hold him. I think moms and their sons do have more of an attachment, but it's only magnified in this case, b/c H has not been in his life too much. Luckily, H didn't seem to take too much offense to it. We came back in the afternoon and S fell asleep for his nap, so H and I had lunch and then H headed off to do some things that needed to be taken care of for the new place. We texted tonight about the day and S and stuff, so all positive stuff. I still have to find the happy medium of my reactions to him. I feel like gushing my love on him, but it's a fine line of reciprocating his feelings but not over doing it and pushing him away or "pursing". I look forward to the day when I can just love him and not have to worry about all the mind games.

So, H starts the meds tomorrow, so will see how it all goes from here. I read up on it and it says it take s a minimum of a week or two to feel any benefits, but 4 weeks or so to feel the full benefit. It will be interesting to see how these next few weeks go and how H reacts to the meds. I'm hoping it helps him, but I've also done enough research to know that sometimes a person reacts negatively until they find the right one. Hopefully this is the "right" one. A new journey begins, but it least seems to be on the right road now...

[awest1217]

[Lucky11too]

I’m having some negative feelings right now. I don’t know if it’s gut feelings or just a wandering mind getting the best of me. Two years ago yesterday, H got arrested for a drunk in public, never came home, and I moved out. One year ago this coming weekend, was H’s weekend to Las Vegas with OW2. As much as you try to let the past be the past, you can’t help but have that be a heavy weight sometimes. So with all this going on around, I’m feeling like my perception could be a little skewed. Things have been going relatively well. H called Saturday afternoon to come over and see S and I and then asked if it would be ok if he came over after work that night as he had to open the next day. It all worked out and it’s been great to have the time with him. He said something tho that has been making me feel really off. He asked me if I was still checking up on him on his phone. I said no. Weird tho b/c why even ask that b/c he’s the one that blocked me in the first place or maybe he was trying to figure out if his blocking actually worked. Why does it matter tho? This has really gotten my mind going. I’ve been trying to learn to trust him again, but bottom line when I’m honest to myself, is that I still don’t trust him one bit (nor has actually really given me a reason too). I’ve gone thru so much with him, put so much into us, and I just don’t even want to imagine going thru that kind of pain again of another OW or same OW. I was thinking about asking him why he asked me that question and confirm that OW3 is history, but even if I did, there’s no guarantee that he would even be honest with me (however, hopefully he is smart enough to realize that if he is caught in any more lies, that will be the end of us!) Another thing that is bugging me is that he was not very responsive last night, which leads me to believe he was out with guy friends last night? I had texted him b/c S got up several times crying last night, which is completely unlike him. I got one short text back and that was it. Not that he is not allowed to not have guy friends, but all they do together is go out and drink too much, while I’m here taking care of our poor S who is crying all night long! Obviously, the going out is speculation, but I’ve learned his response patterns. So obviously, I’m just feeling really negative right now. I need to just not act right now on these possible just emotional feelings.

[awest1217]

Getting a question like "are you still checking up on me?" would also not sit well with me. From things I have read, that means he is still hiding something. It could be something good like maybe me is making plans for you and he, but more than likely there is OW, or he is going out with his guy friends and doing things you wouldn't approve of there.

I hope that I am wrong, but it is up to you how you handle this situation. Before you would reconcile, I think it is important for him to understand that you have every right to know what he is doing. Not that you should snoop on him, but honesty and openess is important for the relationship to work.

Wishing you the best so you can get through this tough time.

[Lucky11too]

I know. It's definitely unsettling when I don't know his motives behind it. Yes, it could just be a question (H wanting to know if he can "trust me" not to snoop on him or something), but I'm with you, that more than likely, there's a reason behind it. It's just weird though, besides that comment and the previous years happenings that has me down, things have been going well. Last night, was opening night for comedy night at H's new place. Alot of H's family went and H wanted to know if I was going to come as well. Despite being tired (from S up crying the previous night), I went for a while. It's weird. He was very happy to see me and gave me a hug, and then despite being busy with the helping with the show, he would come by talk briefly and be touchy - put his hand of my leg or my shoulder. It's nice, yes, but this PDA stuff is so new to me with him (well new for the last 2-3 years, before that he did of course). It seems all positive that he wants to publically acknowledge that he's with me. So, I don't know what to make of it all. Still some red flags, but also a lot of positive momentum.

[Lucky11too]

I just needs to get some thoughts down here. H continues to be, well, i guess a good word would be, attentive. He asks about my day, called on Tuesday to meet up for lunch (although he didn't call until 12:30 even though I take my lunch almost every day at 11:30), stayed last night to say hi when I picked up S. But on the otherhand, on his nights off, he has made no effort to see me. On Wednesday, he text to say he went to go see a country band audition for their place and that a bartender from the neighboring bar from his old place was bartending that night and she gave him a huge glass of straight bourbon! First of all, why even tell me that? Sometimes I don't know why he tells me the things he does. I would never know if he didn't. I told him he didn't have to drink it just b/c she gave it to him, but I never heard back. The next morning he responds that he was sorry for not texting back, but he didn't want to wake me (uh, when has that stopped him from texting before...like in the middle of the night?). Then that night (thursday), he texted to see what time I was coming to pick up S, and stuck around to see me. I tried to feel him out about hanging out with S and I after that(asked him what his dinner plans were "already ate" and later what his plans for the night "oh, be at my parents for a bit then head back to the new place"). I'm thinking that if he asks to come over tomorrow night after work, I'm going to turn him down b/c I don't think it's fair to always go off his schedule and when/where he wants. So, I don't know, it's just weird. Maybe like I said before, I'm just being super sensitive with what this week and weekend mean to me, but i still can't help this bad feeling. I'm understanding more and more that I just don't trust him, but nor is he making that any easier on me either. I hope we can get to counseling as these are defnitely things that need to be discussed (me learning how to trust him again and him being more open (with phone, etc) to help me do that).

One last thing that is bugging me, H has a really fast response time on emails. I forwarded him an email earlier about something he asked if I could order for him and he responded back within 3 minutes. This isn't first time like that either. Maybe it's my mind wandering againg, but what if he's changed to communicating thru email instead of texts with an OW(with these smart phones, emailing can now be basically like texting). Even if I could check the phone records, I wouldn't be able to see any of that activity. So I don't know if he gets email notifications when email comes thru like texts (anyone else have a smartphone?) or if he is really just on it that much (which makes me nervous). Even just seeing him on the phone at any time makes my mind go. I know it all comes back to trust and i just don't. Arrrggg. =/

In other news, it's been a long week too. S (and I) have been sick with bad colds which includes a bad cough. S has woken up everynight but one this week, and didn't want to go back to sleep. Blah! So being super tired and sick is definitely not a good combination with all that I'm feeling with H too. In good news tho, i've already finished all my christmas shopping (yay!) and am taking S tomorrow to take his Christmas pics. S picked out a really cute big boy outfit that has a vest with a train on it to wear. I just hope with him being sick he is not too grouchy though!

[awest1217]

I hope the pictures went well! Who knows about H, but I am not going to give advice as right now I am in a funk. Just keep doing what you feel is best for you and S because it seems to be working.