I'm so sorry you are going through this. These are really tough issues for you to have to deal with.
I would strongly recommend you get some professional health to help you work through this stuff.
It's not the case that just because your H looks at/is turned on by shemale or male porn that he's a homosexual. Some hetrosexual men look at gay porn because of some causal arousal associated with it from puberty/adolecence. It doesn't mean they are gay. Just like men look at porn with group sex - it doesn't mean they are sexual deviants who want to go to orgies all the time, it means those images and the fantasy associated with them arouse them - looking doesnt' mean they are going to DO anything. It's a fantasy life. Sure, there are a minority of people with issues so complex that they act them out and hurt other people ... but there's nothing you've posted that suggests your H is acting out in anything.
If you are reading about what's going on with your husband you should also read into Gender Identity Crisis and books that explain the differences in mens and women's psychology in relation to sex and fantasy.
Marmie you have jumped to some pretty big conslusions about your husband based on catching him looking at kinky stuff on the computer ... just twice ... when you've been married in a good, strong marriage for 10 years.
If we accept that in a marriage, total honesty is the optimal state of being. Then an issue comes up where for some reason one of you refuses to discuss it and refuses to change the behaviour - I agree there is a problem.
Sure (Superman & Mr McQueen ;)) , it could be that your husband is a gay man or in gender crisis or on his way to being a sex-addicted serial killer. But what it really points to is a marriage that has this big elephant in the room that 2 people who love each other and have a great life otherwise aren't able to talk about. That points to some real work you guys need to do about trusting each other - because more important than honesty in a marriage, is trust.
There's a case in my country at the moment where a young man, a Captain in the Army, has gender identity crisis. He's married with 2 little girls, but he's been medically diagnosed as being eligible for hormone treatment and gender reassignment surgery to become a woman. There's a whole heap of controversy around the fact that the Army is paying for the treatment as part of his health insurance - but the really amazing part of the story that's relevant to yours is that his wife has stood by him.
She made some comments in the press this week that indicated as far as she's concerned it doesn't matter how he dresses, he's still the human being that she loves and she's still the human being that he loves; they are a family and they are going to stick together. Obviously they've got a lot to work through and it's a nightmare scenario I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But it's a heartwarming story in that he obviously trusted his wife and family enough to tell them this really big thing about himself and she trusted him enough to do what he has to do and they are working their way through it.
Good luck. V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
