So scared

[barbsing1]

Wow. Rob, DB Moderator and Cat -Thank you all for your wonderful responses and taking the time to consider my situation. I really, really appreciate it. I learned SO much from this last incident. Once my anger cooled, I realized what I had done was very counterproductive. Indeed, I was not ready to back up my ultimatum. And what I did instead was push H closer to his ex wife- he admitted to having seen her for the first time in awhile after I asked him to leave for the night. If I had known about the 48 hour rule, I could have avoided the incredible mess this became - bad feelings now between MIL and myself, H telling me he was going to go talk to my dad before Thanksgiving (which actually would be a healing thing for both of them) but decided not to after I told him I was going to divorce him, etc. I struggle because the few people I have shared this situation with (friends/family) tell me the only way I am going to "get him back" is to kick him out. The belief is that H sees me as being weak - that he is in control. I don't know which way to go, really. Does distance truly ever make the heart grow fonder?

We were able to talk as friends for the first time in a long while. He explained that when I bring her up, he feels as if I'm pushing him to be with her. He feels I am pressuring him constantly - he basically said I am doing all the things DR says not to do - and he hasn't even read the book.

My best option - when if/when it is time to ask him to leave is to not do it in anger and to not do it in a reactive mode.

And the snooping thing - geez. Yes - it is an addiction and it just cuts me up every time. I HAVE to stop doing it. I have to stop putting energy into him and his R with his ex-wife. Start putting it into myself.

H admitted to me that he had been waiting for me to tell him I would D him - that he was confident he would feel relief about this once I made the decision for him (as he is unable to do it himself) but that when he heard the words come out of my mouth, he realized he didn't feel relief at all.

The way I left it was that I wanted us to be good to each other during the holidays and enjoy this time with our kids as it might be our last opportunity. I do think I was a bit inconsistent because I said this while at the same time telling him I was committed to our marriage.

I did not go back on my feelings about him living two lives and shared that I would reassess after the holidays. He will probably do the same, although I know he likes the creature comforts of home - he didn't even last 3 weeks away from home last time and ex wife was in the picture then as well.

He now knows I have chosen a lawyer but that I have not retained her. I had kept this information from him. He asked if I wanted to know if/when he consulted with a lawyer. I told him I had no need to know - that he could share if he wanted or keep it to himself. It was obvious to me that he was surprised at my response - I think he was trying to scare me or call my bluff. Not sure.

GAL - I don't know why this is so hard for me to implement. I already go out with friends, attend a weekly support group, go places alone with the kids. I always make sure I look my best. I suspect I would be more attractive to him if I went back to work, but it's not time for that. I actually am concerned about getting a job now because if he does D me, it would be to my benefit to not be working.

Anyway- I feel a bit like a fool for setting what I now see was an unenforceable boundary and going back on it. Sigh.