I think if you continue to wait 'for the right moment,' the right moment will never come. I think that might be what got you into the 'lack of sex' problem to begin with.
Good advice folks. I was at home on lunch when I was replying. HP. I've always thought the 2nd job could have been avoided with a little discipline on her part. At this point, I'm not sure if I could get her to quit. That's her prime social outlet.
Gripman. Maybe you're right. All hail Mary sometimes works. Corri I guess you're right, there will never be a perfect time. I'm trying to remember when there ever was one. At this point, this is like moving on a stranger. I'm a little nervous.I'm tired of the rejection. It's not like I'm not ready, willing and able.
HP. If this were you. How would you want your husband to come up and spark with you? I was thinking of the foot thing the next time she complains about her foot hurting and shows me. I could ease in there. Any other ideas?
BR: I would want my husband to be aggressive and tell me that he won't take no for an answer. I would want him to demonstrate that he could NOT wait for the perfect moment and that he was sick of waiting anyway. I would want him to show that his desire for me was so great that nothing was going to stand in his way of attaining his goal.
Here's my opinion: I think you should email her or call her or whatever your primary way of reaching her is and say, "I want to make love to you tonight. I have been wanting you so badly the last couple months and I don't want to wait any longer. I need you and I need to make love to you."
Blackie, there is a very good chance that she will reject you. There is also a very good chance that it will be a new start. I just don't see how you can make a fresh start until you get the sex back on track. Be honest with her about what led to the decline of your love life--resentments. Make sure that she knows that, at no time, did it have anything to do with your desire for her. Oh and don't have this conversation on the night you're putting the Big Kahuna moves on her. But make sure she knows that.
Well, the biggest thing I can tell you is to let her know that you want to rekindle things. You want and need a sex life with her. That this has taken a backseat, you have no idea what you were thinkin, but you want to start over. She will be skeptical but you can make her believe it. I believe my H with all my heart now, Blackie, but there was a time when I would have scoffed at the thought.
Once you have gotten the sex thing rollin, then start on the second job. Leave it be for now. Sounds like she needs it for whatever crummy reason.
GOOD LUCK. I am so pulling for you, man. I know that you have had a genuine change of heart towards your sex life and she just needs to open her eyes and her heart and allow herself to believe that it's true.
P.S. I'm so glad you started posting because I am now starting to see that when H initiates in a lackluster way that it is his own fear, and not that his desire for me is only so-so. Which is what I have previously thought: Oh he must not want me very much. You are helping me more than you know! But not for long cause pretty soon you're going to be doing your wife every which way but loose and I won't be able to keep up.
BR is not feeling too good right now. W and I were talking in the garage about a family member with relationship issues. This guy used to be a play boy but was settling down based on our "perfect" marriage. He SAID he wanted to be a family man and such but has backed out because he believes women can't be trusted based on my W. This is most likely just an excuse.
Well one thing leads to another. She was talking about me getting my stuff blah blah. I then asked about the cash out I wanted to which she went into a tizzy telling me how I messed up the marriage and how I was a bad guy and such. She was mad because she will have to work 2 jobs if she wants to keep the house. Doing that, she will never see the kids. She asked why would I want to stay with someone who doesn't love me. I told her I still love her and I meant what I said in front of the JP. I validated but she kept on.
It got worse. She went on with the I want to be friends stuff. I can't be friends with someone I don't trust. I won't trust her after the ink is dry. How can I? She lied to God in front of her family and friend. If she does that, she will do it to me again.
I wish I could have put the advice above to good use considering today's events. I don't think it will work.
BR update. It's colder in my house than it is outside. W has taken to banging doors when she comes in the room in the morning and leaving lights on. She even went as far as to turn off the coffee maker before she left for work. It's safe to say she's not happy with me. I deserve some of it I reckon.
What scares me is the kids reactions to this. They are asking why is mommy trying to make me look bad in front of them and what's wrong with her. They can see the depression going on as I can. W got a call while the kids were around asking her to come in. She said give her all the time they can because she doesn't want to be around me. One of the kids even mentioned a monetary figure from our conversation. She's telling them too much. Now, the boy has said he would rather live with me if I move and would "take moves" to be with me. The girl told me the other day she would run away to be with me or just run away. I wish W could see what this is causing.
To top things off, I bumped into a friend who is having problems with his W. They are separated. I suspect he's done some not so nice things. Anyway, he tells me they are talking and are going to try and work things out. I gave him my copy of DB. I'll keep DR for myself. This will make 3 couples who have had DEEP problems that are hanging on. One includes and affair with a child being born. But my W at this point doesn't seem to want to even consider it.
She did say the other day that she noticed I was different and not so moody over the past couple months. She said she was cool coming home knowing I wouldn't be on edge. I told her that's part of my change I'm working on. She sat there and said she needs a man to show her he cares. She went back to the you haven't shown me thing.
I try to hate her but it doesn't hold. I saw her Christmas sweater sitting on the bed and it brought back memories of her loving Christmas and not being able to wait to wear it and her holiday socks. I took a whiff just to smell her and started to cry. This time last night, I couldn't stand her. I keep looking over my shoulder at our wedding pictures wondering why she hasn't taken them down yet.
A couple nice ladies on the job are praying for us tonight in there prayer group. That kind of stuff means a lot to an old heathen like myself.
Minor update. W is in day 2 of trying to pick a fight with me by banging doors turning lights and going as far as turning off the coffee pot. That's silly. With the help of a friend, I now realize she's trying to continue the drama from Sunday so she can tell me how mad she is at me.
Any ideas on how to difuse this bomb? I'm not getting drawn into another fight. She came home earlier than normal last night and was nice as heck and she's back to the fight club.
My horoscope is right on today and I think I'll stick to it.
Strong feelings lead you to a different place. Avoid a battle of wits -- your present state puts you at a disadvantage. As long as there are no big decisions in the next few days, you'll let the tide take you where it will.
BR: This little motto helped me with my ex and current wife: "I will not participate in you being pissed off at me." Just let it slide off your back, BR, like water off of an otter's back.
Another thing that helps, but only if you, as an old heathen, can imagine yourself as a bit of a Buddhist. Take in the poison she is sending you as a breath of air, hold it in, letting your body cleanse it, then release the breath, sending it back to her filled with loving kindness.
Geeze, my wife is a Buddhist, I'm Jewish, and I know that the above "meditation" may sound a little weird, but I've tried it and it does tend to work, at least in a subtle way. Of course, if she gets even more pissed off because you're not engaging in the fight, there's always that little advantage. :^)
Blackie, How do you normally handle these moods of hers? Could you try something totally different?
For instance, if it is normal for you to lay low until she's better, how about trying something new? Maybe we could all help you come up with some ideas, if you tell us how you would typically react.
Clearly what you are currently doing is not working so let's get going with something else!
I read with interest her belief that you don't love her anymore. I can tell you with 100% certainty that she is referring to sex. If my husband and I have gone a while without sex, I start to have these feelings that he doesn't love me anymore. I cannot see how he can be around me and profess to love me and not take it further. That just doesn't jive in my brain.
It is a simple love language thing, BR. Her love language must be physical affection, specifically sex. So she can't feel your love in any other way--they are nice things that you do for her, and she probably appreciates them, but they don't make her feel LOVED.
Hope today is better for you! Write soon and we will figure something out for ya.
Thanks for the advice guys. I'll try to visualize inhaling her anger and breathing it out.
HP. It took forever but I'm sure what you said is true. I'm thinking over events of the past couple days. On Friday, she left out to do something and came back when I was cooking and hung over the stove. I hate that but didn't react. She was in a good mood then. She got kind of close to me in doing that. It was a test on two fronts I think. On Saturday, the crew were laying on the floor playing board games. She would extend her foot near me. Looking back, I was too into the game and the good feeling we were all doing something to have noticed that move.
On Sunday when we fought, she did mention she has seen a change in me but she needs a man that can show her.... and trailed off. I can do everything in the world to show her I love her but if it isn't physical, it doesn't count.
My pre-DB reaction to her nonsense would to jump in and battle her or do something equally as silly. My current reaction is to just ignore the behavior as if it isn't happening. That may not be the best thing but I think it beat fighting her. She's trying very hard to cheese me off and get me up. Maybe I'll make sure I'm up tomorrow so she can say what she wants to say. I'm sure she'll try something more extreme to get me to go off.
Thanks for the advice guys. I'll try to visualize inhaling her anger and breathing it out.
HP. It took forever but I'm sure what you said is true. I'm thinking over events of the past couple days. On Friday, she left out to do something and came back when I was cooking and hung over the stove. I hate that but didn't react. She was in a good mood then. She got kind of close to me in doing that. It was a test on two fronts I think. On Saturday, the crew were laying on the floor playing board games. She would extend her foot near me. Looking back, I was too into the game and the good feeling we were all doing something to have noticed that move.
On Sunday when we fought, she did mention she has seen a change in me but she needs a man that can show her.... and trailed off. I can do everything in the world to show her I love her but if it isn't physical, it doesn't count.The daughter is just like her mom. She needs hugs 24/7. I've started to give her hugs and such. Mom has walked in a couple times. I now think she must be wondering why not her. She has said more than once I care more for the kids than her.
My pre-DB reaction to her nonsense would to jump in and battle her or do something equally as silly. My current reaction is to just ignore the behavior as if it isn't happening. That may not be the best thing but I think it beat fighting her. She's trying very hard to cheese me off and get me up. Maybe I'll make sure I'm up tomorrow so she can say what she wants to say. I'm sure she'll try something more extreme to get me to go off.
