TG is right. Talking to him about it in a compassionate manner is not "coddling". The guy already feels embarrassed enough and if you start bringing in outside people, etc. it's going to push him even further inward.
According to the dictionary Bond that's exactly what coddling means
cod·dle   /ˈkɒdl/ Show Spelled [kod-l] Show IPA
–verb (used with object), -dled, -dling. 1. to treat tenderly; nurse or tend indulgently; pamper: to coddle children when they're sick.
His behavior so far is listed by marmie as the following :
a. He has done this in secret, effectively lying by ommision b. He refused to stop c. He knows he's hurting you d. He's laughing at you
Far be it for me to raise the alarm that abuse is taking place here or will soon.
Given that, I think coddling (to treat tenderly; nurse or tend indulgently) is asking the victim to please the abuser here... Do you really think that's wise? Somone is being abused and you advise the victim to coddle her tormentor?
But, heck, I'm not a social worker by trade... so I will just leave it at that...
Carry on fellas... I won't interfere any further...
Throwing around a word like "abuse" is pretty strong. There are real bad cases of abuse on here, so I wouldn't use the word so casually as you have.
And the way I read it, he was laughing at her suggestion idea of talking to the priest like "you're kidding me right?" I don't think he was laughing about his actions.
I've worked with hardcore abuse victims, so I do see a woman who is hurt/angry/confused. But I wouldn't go so far as to call it abuse. I also see a man who is the same and is ashamed of his actions.
So is he looking at the same shemale stuff again? I find it odd that you constantly "catch" him. Sounds like he wants help but doesn't know how to ask for it. I mean usually you don't get "caught" that often.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
i caught him the first time and i was shocked and asked if our sexlife was ok. so he apologized, said it was fine, acted like no big deal and promised not to do it again. he played the shemale page as something that just popped up accidentally. i know he lied because i checked the history later. i caught him a second time, there was no doubt he was looking at shemales. and then i had the calm suggestion of seeing our priest. he laughed like that was the last person he would talk to about it. i reasured him that a priest probaly hears worse stuff than this. then, i backed off. hurt. scared. i spent part of the morning at the library and found the DR book. i checked out another one about cybersex addicts. i couldn't believe how many mental disorders there are with a book for each case. i have a few hours to read before he comes home. look you guys, i do love my h and am crying right now because i thought our m is good. all our frinds and fellow parishioners tell us all the time how we have a good priorities in our relationship and are so close. they even seem envious that we get along so good, have fun, come and go as we please, spontaneious, no kids to be responsible for and stuff like that. and i thought we were. this is tearing me up because, well the porn, yeah, but the idea that i now do not know the man i married. twice. it hurts and it's causing me to doubt my ability to judge peoples character. and it feels like a flood of feelings right now when i think back on stuff. i wish i felt like i did before today. willing to get a d and be done with the pain. im hurting bad and im shocked by that too.
(((marmie))) I am sorry to hear the anguish you are going through.
Now is the time to have that conversation with him and tell him that you feel hurt when he does that and that you really want to understand. That you're confused, etc. Everything that you've mentioned here.
I know it's tough, but first realize that this is HIS problem not yours. You've done nothing wrong. In fact, you're doing what any concerned W would do. Have that talk with him and explain how you are feeling.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
I'm so sorry you are going through this. These are really tough issues for you to have to deal with.
I would strongly recommend you get some professional health to help you work through this stuff.
It's not the case that just because your H looks at/is turned on by shemale or male porn that he's a homosexual. Some hetrosexual men look at gay porn because of some causal arousal associated with it from puberty/adolecence. It doesn't mean they are gay. Just like men look at porn with group sex - it doesn't mean they are sexual deviants who want to go to orgies all the time, it means those images and the fantasy associated with them arouse them - looking doesnt' mean they are going to DO anything. It's a fantasy life. Sure, there are a minority of people with issues so complex that they act them out and hurt other people ... but there's nothing you've posted that suggests your H is acting out in anything.
If you are reading about what's going on with your husband you should also read into Gender Identity Crisis and books that explain the differences in mens and women's psychology in relation to sex and fantasy.
Marmie you have jumped to some pretty big conslusions about your husband based on catching him looking at kinky stuff on the computer ... just twice ... when you've been married in a good, strong marriage for 10 years.
If we accept that in a marriage, total honesty is the optimal state of being. Then an issue comes up where for some reason one of you refuses to discuss it and refuses to change the behaviour - I agree there is a problem.
Sure (Superman & Mr McQueen ;)) , it could be that your husband is a gay man or in gender crisis or on his way to being a sex-addicted serial killer. But what it really points to is a marriage that has this big elephant in the room that 2 people who love each other and have a great life otherwise aren't able to talk about. That points to some real work you guys need to do about trusting each other - because more important than honesty in a marriage, is trust.
There's a case in my country at the moment where a young man, a Captain in the Army, has gender identity crisis. He's married with 2 little girls, but he's been medically diagnosed as being eligible for hormone treatment and gender reassignment surgery to become a woman. There's a whole heap of controversy around the fact that the Army is paying for the treatment as part of his health insurance - but the really amazing part of the story that's relevant to yours is that his wife has stood by him.
She made some comments in the press this week that indicated as far as she's concerned it doesn't matter how he dresses, he's still the human being that she loves and she's still the human being that he loves; they are a family and they are going to stick together. Obviously they've got a lot to work through and it's a nightmare scenario I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. But it's a heartwarming story in that he obviously trusted his wife and family enough to tell them this really big thing about himself and she trusted him enough to do what he has to do and they are working their way through it.
Good luck. V
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
very awkward and quiet when he came home tonight, so we barely spoke over dinner and it was mostly just "pass the salt." i wanted to talk to him but he went into the home office to go online. he was just watching stuff on youtube with his earbuds in and checking his email. after an hour or so, i went in and i asked him politely to turn the MAC off, so we could try to figure things out. he told me to go away. i told him that it was important and showed him my DR book. he grabbed it out of my hand and he tore it up. he tore it up! i am so shaken right now. i don't know what has happen to my h.
Sorry to hear how things went. Is there any reason why you showed him DR? That's for you. However I don't think it applies here.
Has he been violent before? You have two choices, either confront him again and tell him how you feel (no books) or you or he leave since you feel uncomfortable.
Aside from the porn, did anything else unusual happen lately?
If he won't go to a therapist, then you should to sort out your feelings and get some support for yourself.
M-43 W-40 2D - 9 and 5
Emotion, yet peace. Ignorance, yet knowledge. Passion, yet serenity. Chaos, yet harmony. Death, yet a new life.
You should talk and come clean about the situation to your closest girlfriends /sisters and get it off your chest to a group of girls that know you best.
They are going to give you the best advice on how to handle this going forward because they personally know you and your husband. They are going to give you a very different and realistic perspective. They will be honest with you and will probably tell you all the behaviors in your husbands that you have overlooked "because you were in love" that may make this no surprise to them.
and, hopefully. they will get you on the right track to having a good time and "getting out and enjoying life for yourself." what you are willing to put up with says a lot your own values.
You should talk and come clean about the situation to your closest girlfriends /sisters and get it off your chest to a group of girls that know you best.
They are going to give you the best advice on how to handle this going forward because they personally know you and your husband. They are going to give you a very different and realistic perspective. They will be honest with you and will probably tell you all the behaviors in your husbands that you have overlooked "because you were in love" that may make this no surprise to them.
and, hopefully. they will get you on the right track to having a good time and "getting out and enjoying life for yourself." what you are willing to put up with says a lot your own values.
Marmie, this is not good advice. Talk to someone, but make it a professional who can work through this with you. These are NOT details you shoudl give to your friends/family especially until you two have worked with a professional.
