I have read all of your threads and I do agree that you were getting good advice from Coach. However, you may still be too early in this to actually be able to apply that advice.
You said a few times that you believe your H may be having a MLC.
If that is the case, then you will be in this for the long haul and Coach's advice will NOT be effective in the way that you want it to be. However MLC or not is not a call someone else can make for you.
If I had to chose, I would take the advice of a DB coach first...
Unless you really cannot be in the same house with him.
Lovingly detatch, go about your business and don't worry about him going about his (even though you may want to scratch his eyes out).
Be the best mom you can be to the kids. They will get their strength from you. You have to have it first though.
Use your anger, like a shield not a sword.
The less you focus on him and the more you focus on yourself, the better you will feel and the more objectivly you can look at this entire situation.
Fear is not your friend in this. Fear will keep you stuck and it will make you do things that you do not want to do.
Snooping is a no no. For several reasons. You can see things that you are not ready to see and then feel you have to deal with it immediately. You can actually become addicted to it and addictions are hard things to break.
There was some talk about transparency on one of your other threads. Transparency is wonderful and necessary if you BOTH begin to work on the M. And it can be a useful tool to rebuild trust. Otherwise, it is simply a means to control and to snoop without calling it snooping.
In my R, we are transparent. We each have passwords to the others stuff. I know that I have never used them with out permission. I don't believe that he has either. To do so, would be a violation of the trust that we have for each other.
Unfortunately, there is no do A and get B results with this.
It is a matter of trial and error sometimes. There are two people involved in this R and two people directing the outcome of it.
Have you ever tried to tell your kids to eat their lima beans and the refused. So you kept reserving them the lima beans at each meal until they eat them? And they kept refusing, and it was a battle of wills?
That is what an ultimatium, can be like. A battle of wills. Who has the stronger will to coerce the other to comply...
A boundary, is less about getting another person to comply with your will, whether they want to or not, and more about setting up rules for yourself about how you will allow other people to treat you...
They can continue to treat you badly and then you have to decide if that is good for you or not...
And you should not be afraid of the outcome of someone not following a boundary...because then you will NOT feel good enforcing it...
For me, my boundaries are small. Otherwise I find that I cannot enforce them. The small ones, are pretty easy and they don't involve allowing someone to be a part of my life or not (in most cases). They do, however, dictate for me, how I will allow someone to treat me.
A perfect example would be my son. He is 16 and has always had the run of the house. Until I got tired of him simply walking into my bedroom without waiting to be invited. Now he has to knock on the door, wait for me to ask him in, and leave when I ask him to. When he doesn't, I refuse to speak to him, so we can sit there in silence for long periods of time sometimes. When he does, I will welcome him in to watch TV, play XBOX, or just sit and chat. Because that is MY space, MY sanctuary, not the common space of the household...
Take your time, let's try to get you on more solid emotional ground before you go filing for D...
This didn't happen in one day, and it won't be resolved that quickly either...
(((hugs)))
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
