Quote: I had a gift cert a client gave me. I asked her to stop and grab me something to which I got a crappy attitude about how tight her schedule was. All she would have had to do was walk another 20 feet to get my shower gel from the mens counter. She would have had 3/4 of her make up money handed to her.
I noticed BR is down to 275 from 298 when this crap started. I don't mind saying, BR is a fine looking dude. The cologne lady was flirting telling me when she saw me in the mall with my new scent, she wouldn't be able to resist.
My friend, I share in your frustration with W and joy in looking better. Gripman has his own recent tales relating to this.
Every Christmas, my employer gives me a $50 Amex certificate and my STBXW gets a $1,000+ cash bonus. I was able to give out gifts to all my kids and have a very nice Christmas day diner for them and some friends, even though the month before I blew a big chunk of savings for my D. lawyer retainer and other stuff for the kids. So who calls asking for money? With the STBXW money and vehicle woes (the dually with hook is next week), she asks me for $50....and so goes my Amex check and opportunity to buy myself some badly needed pants for the slimming down Gripman. Do I get a thank you? Heck no!! I am tired of being generous all the time. I haven't asked her for one red cent in all this time. My mother, God bless her, is going to take me shopping because she is tired of seeing the Gripman in baggy pants. I have lost 57 lbs and would like to drop another 10 just for good measure.
At church today, my friend showed up at my mass again. She is being respectful and cautious on this. Cool huh?? Let's see what happens, if she shows up for morning mass on Monday.
Also, the young nice looking blonde who always sits across the aisle near me was talking to me again (I haven't told you about her). I yawned and she told me I shouldn't be out so late if I am going to church the next day. I told her I was tired because of the OT at work. She said that was nothing, she didn't get home from work till 3AM. I asked her where she worked and she responded, Big Joe's (a local grill) and for me to stop by and visit her at her work . The last time I saw her at mass, she was getting unusually chatting with me and keep on making face gestures towards me and smiling at me during the mass. Again, cool huh?
BR, keep up the improvements dude--you are going to have to start fending the ladies off with a stick.
Quote: Hm. Okay, it sounds like the finances issue is resolved. She mucked it up royally. So, why are you revisiting it? Do you want her to pay you back? Are you trying to decide whether or not you will help her out with her bills? If you want to help her, help her. If you don't want to, don't. Am I missing the issue here?
Have you hit on her yet? Misteltoe still works this time of year, you know. What are you having a hard time figuring out with her? Her moods? Whether she loves you and wants to stay in the marriage? I mean, for now, it sounds like you have the answers you need. She's still in the house, she cancelled the court date...
Why don't you ask her out on a date?
Corri
The money stuff came up as part of my answer to PoePad regarding W's poor money handling. I guess I brought it up to vent. What triggered that may have been my snooping. I know, DR says don't do it. My cuz says to stop.... I'm the type of guy that tries to analyze patterns and such.
But on to your other questions. I would be lying if I said I didn't want the money she blew back. I don't ask for it. In her mind, she blew "our" money. She's always said what's her is hers and what's mines is hers too.
On to the other question. Negative on the mistletoe. The house was too full. We had a little vistitor over here. He was a hand full. W's mind is on the little visitor as he's about to leave town again. She will be in her funk again.
I know that sounds like an excuse, but when you have chaos breaking out on a constant basis with kids being kids, it's hard to make a move that will go to anything. After thinking on it a little over the past couple hours, I reckon I'm buying new scents and such to get her attention like the old days. I may try the date thing. In the past after awhile, it wasn't hard to ask her out. I'm all over the map over the last week. One minute, I want her, the next I want my cash so I can hit the bricks.
Minor Update: W sent a little joke email today. The email was of a lady in a bar giving a guy the finger and blowing off his advances. I didn't know how to take it. Did she send it as a joke or a statement? I responded with I know how that guy feels and left a wink icon at the end. Her response was "it will get better give it time." Now I wonder if she know I meant her and not some bar chick. Any ideas? I asked for instructions to which she said there wasn't a manual..
Major confusion to report. After yesterday’s nice exchange I get mess today. I was telling her in a round about way through email that I think she’s sexy. Well I get another email asking what my plans for the new year were. I was dumb and got my hopes up. I told her that I had a couple invites but didn’t know if I would take them and asked her why. She responded with she wouldn’t be home and was sending the kids somewhere. Well, you know the feelings. I then told her if that was the case, I would go on about my invites or better yet have a get together in the house.
She came back mad that I would have company over as she “doesn’t feel it’s right to be partying in the house this year.” She said that was the reason she planned on not being there. That’s a contradiction. How would she know I would want to have company over before I said it? I then told her what I wanted to do was do nothing at home, maybe with her.
She comes back apologizing for me thinking she would be home. She hinted that her plans were in the air but now they’re solid and she was doing her thing. She said she wouldn’t send the kids away and they could have BR time. I told her they have a lot of BR time but they need her time. I told her that I was going out and wasn’t going to baby sit. I told her I wanted to be around people who want to be around me and have a good adult time. I validated her feelings on the party and such and wished her a good safe time. But, I’m sticking to my guns and going out. New outfit and earing and all. I told her I chose not to wallow in these feelings created by our sitch. I want to enjoy little piece of life in between the crap. Am I wrong for this? Should I have just caved? I think my doing my own thing may have made her mad. To boot, the party I’m going to is 20 clicks up the road in the town where the guy I found her in the car with lives. In fact, it’s 2 miles from his place. No, I’m not hunting wabbits or anything.
In the back of my head, I wonder if she was expecting/hoping for another answer to what are you doing tomorrow. Who knows? I have too many questions.
Email her back, tell her what you are doing and where you are going, and tell her you'd love it if she went with you. It would be a great way to start off your year together.
If she comes up with 10 different excuses why she can't change plans now, tell her those are all great reasons, but you'd still love it if she came with you anyway. If she says no, you can feel good about trying and you can go and have yourself a good time.
Email her back, tell her what you are doing and where you are going, and tell her you'd love it if she went with you. It would be a great way to start off your year together.
If she comes up with 10 different excuses why she can't change plans now, tell her those are all great reasons, but you'd still love it if she came with you anyway. If she says no, you can feel good about trying and you can go and have yourself a good time.
Corri
Corri. I don’t know if that would work or do I want to even try to get through to her. I shouldn’t do this because there may be a lurker or two around but here’s a cut of her email to me. To this, I wished her a safe happy time. Notice the WAS. The names that are marked out are her female friends. She WAS going to hang with them. Now she has definite plans. I’m sure she has plans with her “friend.”
My little birdie tells me she’s really putting the moves on this guy and talking to him even more. I can’t stop her but I won’t babysit while she does her thing possibly with another guy. She already shows that she’s ready to put herself ahead of the kids by suggesting I spend time with them. I spent more time last week with the kids than she did in nearly the entire month of December. That is not exaggeration. With her being at “work.” It seems as if she’s trying to rub my face in her “plans.” Trying to throw a little mystery in the mix by saying she WAS going to be with people I know. Hell, she’s succeeded. I’m already guessing. LOL!!
Tell me what you think guys.
I do have plans I am sorry that you thought I'd be there. Actually, regardless, I WAS going to be @ xxxxx or xxx or somewhere other than the house. I can't do my usual New Years thing this year and it just doesn't seem right. But now I have definite plans and I will not be home and I just didn't want the kids @ home all by themselves all night long.
Happy New Year to all. BR is sitting remembering past New Years. Last night was different from the past in our house. Normally, our place would be the spot where you could come act eat, drink and be merry as long as you turn in your keys. We would party up till midnight, some of us would go to fire our guns or fireworks like true pagans to scare away the demons for the year. We would then go back in and pop the corks. After things settle down, the movies would begin and run until everyone is sleep/passed out. BR would drag out of bed and cook his New Years Day brunch and finally send folks on there way. BR and W would be a little hung over looking at the mess to clean up. These are great memories.
This year, it was different. W decided she didn't want to celebrate in the house. "It wouldn't feel right." She did stay home. BR feels dumb because he was played. W's plans were with a female. In fact, a friend suggested the W may be telling the truth about her "friend." I don't know about that one. I do know that she seems to talk to him or other friends a lot right after we have some type of major interaction such as the time I sent her the erotic fiction story the featured her with a different name. My friend "thinks" it's possible she raps to him to get another guy's point of view. Who knows?
Yesterday, W let's me in on major stuff going on with her family. It started a couple days ago right before she got crappy with me. I felt bad when she was telling me and wanted to hold her. I rubbed her back but held off on the hug. I should have done it but she was sitting down the whole time. I noticed last night after the stroke of 12 when she woke up, she was crying. I don't know if that has anything to do with our sith or not. W is still sleep and has been most of the day. Normally on this day, I would chalk it up to the night before.
But, my cousin pointed out something I didn't hink of. All this sleep is prime depression symptom. Duh! I knew that but forgot that. I thought most of it was because of the second job but to sleep the entire day like on Christmas is way out of wack. I believe if we could address her depression and get her back on her meds, she would lose the dome and gloom we can't fix this thing attitude. The book just touches on this subject. Any ideas on getting her back on her meds? I was thinking of approaching a friend of hers who I don't think knows she went cold turkey on her depression meds shortly before we went bad.
In looking back at the previous post, I think W was trying to keep me guessing about what she was doing. She wanted to make me wonder who she was going out with and she was a success. I shouldn't have been pulled into that game although she doesn't know how far I was in. She hasn't commented on my new look e.g. the ear ring and such but I'm sure she noticed.
Well W is stirring awake and I need to find something to cook up for dinner.
BR: I have been trying to think of how to respond to this. I really think that things CANNOT progress between you and the missus until and unless you have sex.
Look at the title of your posts--wife wants out of sex starved marriage! When was the last time you guys had sex? I am saying this because I am putting myself in your wife's mind and telling you what I would be thinking: I would be thinking "I told him I wanted out because we don't have sex and here we still haven't had sex. Guess that proves my theory that he has no desire for me and makes it clear that I should move on."
Look, dude, I know that she is the one who is turning you away right now. But I think that she NEEDS to see you making a serious move on her for her to be able to believe that you desire her. She has convinced herself that you don't, and there is no physical evidence that she is wrong.
She was making baby steps towards you but now has backed off. I believe that is because you did not aggressively pursue her. I also realize that she has her faults and I hope that it doesn't sound like I am blasting you and making it sound like it is your fault. She has done some despicable things, but if you want your marriage to survive, the sex will have to come back to life and stay that way permanently.
Otherwise, you will inevitably find yourself back in this situation again, with her looking for validation of her desirability as a woman from some stupid Sams cart boy.
When I read that part about her crying at midnight, I knew what was bothering her. I, too, would have been crying if I was looking back on my year and thinking about how infrequently I had made love to my husband. To an HD woman (or any HD person) sex is so tied up in personal happiness that if you take it away, there is simply NO WAY for that person to feel happy. Or hopeful.
Is there any way that the two of you can get together and really talk? Not just the circular style arguments that you normally have, but really talkin. Let her know that you are a changed man. SHOW her that you are a changed man. And don't be afraid of setting boundaries with her, regarding the finances. If you don't, I'm afraid that you will find yourself so resentful that you won't be feeling like having sex with her and will find yourself right back at square one.
Is there ANY possible way for her to ditch job #2? That can't be easy on your relationship either. Or at the very least, you take over the finances completely and have her turn her checks over to you. Then set up an amount that you can both live with, that she can donate to the cousin (what a bizarre freakin situation THAT is, lol). I wouldn't take everything away from her; that is, I wouldn't say that she can't donate to the cousin. But it needs to be an amount that you can live with and that doesn't detract from your own family. And her working a second job so she can fritter her money away, is ridiculous.
I don't know...........TALK to her, Blackie! And soon. Nothing is being resolved as it is and it might be getting worse, in her mind.
I just don't see how things can get better without jump starting your love life. If that is the issue that drove her away in the first place, then it stands to reason that there can be no resolution until you rebuild your sex life.
As a last word of hopefulness to you: I asked my H at midnight what he was thankful for, from 2003, and after the usual kid-related things, he shyly looked at me and said, "I'm thankful that we restarted our sex life this year." Then he went on to say how much was missing in our lives without it and how he felt that we could handle any problems in our lives as long as we were making love (ie, kid stress, etc).
Thanks HP. The deck seems stacked against me as far as getting her calm enought to want to try something. Everyday, it's something new. Earlier in the week, we were having a nice email exchange and I thought I had an in when I got home. I get home to find her on the war path with the kids and her mood was gone. A couple days later, her family drama took over after a nice conversation. Now, her drama queen friend has dropped in. I feel like crap right now. W sent me an email with an apartment listing in it. That hit me in the face. But what can I do?
I'll do my best to initiate some action with her. The worst she can do...I fear she's already seriously involved with the cart boy. I'm not sure if it's sexual or not but there seems to be an emotional thing there.
I'll really have to work at keeping my sunny side up today after that email.
My mother, God bless her, is going to take me shopping because she is tired of seeing the Gripman in baggy pants. I have lost 57 lbs and would like to drop another 10 just for good measure. 
