I do have one question though regarding dating women with kids.
Seems my GF is constantly inviting her 12yr old Son to come along whenever she visits me on the weekends or we go out etc. Sometimes she will not even tell me this beforehand, she just brings him with her.
This kind of bothers me a bit as I want her all to myself and it makes intimacy awkward and even kills the mood.
She tells me she cant afford a sitter and does not want to leave him alone at home all day by himself etc.
Am I being a bit too selfish or petty in that regard?
How long have you been dating her? Guitarist and I have been dating for two months (not including the "pause") and we've never met one another's children. That means that we don't see one another as often as we'd like of course. That would be introduced pretty carefully. I wouldn't consider a get-together involving children to be a "date"...but rather a relationship activity. I think you should set a boundary that for each date you discuss whether her son will be included and whether that works for you. I don't think it's selfish or petty. If a friend wanted to spend time with me I'd want to know if a third friend was included -- it changes the dynamics. Maybe make it clear what your expectations are: ie I'd like two child-free dates a week...is that possible? She may not be able to meet your expectations given her parental priorities, in which case it may not be a good match.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I also believe that until you've resolved ALL issues from your past relationships, you are not free to involve yourself with someone new. It's not fair to them.
How would one even know that one has resolved all issues from past relationships? That sounds awfully absolute! Often the way that we see that we have issues is by having them triggered in new relationships. I am not convinced that we can be fully aware of our issues in a vaccuum. It's in relationship that we become more deeply aware of ourselves.
Of course I'm not advocating jumping into relationships without making a serious effort to work on oneself and resolve one's issues, but I don't think there's an easy benchmark (not time or anything else) for knowing whether one is ready other than one's gut.
In my case I "shouldn't" be ready for a relationship given my timeline, but my IRL friends and counselor seem to feel that I am ready as long as I proceed cautiously. And my "boyfriend" is in the same place as I am: rebounding from a difficult marriage with a huge desire to give and receive all the love and affection that was missing.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
I still stand by the motto, "You don't attract what you want, you attract what you are." If you are needy or have serious issues, that's what you'll attract. If you are desperate, that's what you'll attract.
I see what you are trying to say, but this is too simplistic. Pretty much, if you ignore the red flags, you are not very wise. People with issues will always have signs and red flags (lol we all have issues but I mean SERIOUS one). So if you (general you) are foolish enough and lonely enough to go for the person with the sob story and slough of issues, I don't feel sorry for you.
me,34 exH,34 S,16 months S:3/31/09-left for OW started DBing 10/09 d final: sometime 10/10 current: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2022856&page=1 met in 2004
Of course people have issues, but if you've done your "work" you should be able to spot them sooner than later and get out that relationship! I'm not quite certain what you're trying to say?
What I'm trying to say is that for me, I had to heal myself first. In general, I think that's a pretty good rule. By really liking myself, recognizing my faults and flaws, and continuing to improve myself, I don't attract the people with the sob story and the plethora of issues. They tend to stay away from me.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I also highly recommend the book, "Rebuilding, When Your Relationship Ends." I took the 10-week seminar class and the general thought was to not date for at least a year while you work on yourself. I waited 18 months to begin dating again and I'm glad I did. I found myself first, took back my heart, and now I'm healthy and whole to begin a new relationship. I know not everyone agrees, but I want to offer a different perspective.
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
I wish you all the best and if you're ready, Go for it!
You said your boyfriend has a desire to give love and affection he was missing to someone. Understandable, but I feel he should give that to himself first and then to someone else.
Just my perspective....
Me 55 H 49 Married 21 years No kids bomb 5/09 filed 7/09 divorced and moving forward 5/10
You said your boyfriend has a desire to give love and affection he was missing to someone. Understandable, but I feel he should give that to himself first and then to someone else.
I think he feels that he has developed a really good relationship with himself. I can see that he has evolved a lot since his separation, just like I have.
I appreciate your perspective though.
me: 42 | STBXH: 41 | T: 18 | M: 10 | separation: Jan 3, 2010 | they deserve better: S7 & D4 current thread: http://tinyurl.com/3y8sxcp .: first breathe, then heal, then start LIVING :.
"I also believe that until you've resolved ALL issues from your past relationships, you are not free to involve yourself with someone new. It's not fair to them."
Well, if you're going to stick to that, you may as well just forget about a new relationship.
We work our relationships with other people. Some work we can do on our own, but a lot of the work has to be done with another person, either in the process of reconciliation or through a new relationship. Changing people doesn't make the issues disappear, but neither does working on oneself alone. Some things just take two.
On the bright side, awareness of this makes working through things a lot easier. You can say, "Wait a minute, this isn't about you, it's about my old R..."
"I also believe that until you've resolved ALL issues from your past relationships, you are not free to involve yourself with someone new. It's not fair to them."
Well, if you're going to stick to that, you may as well just forget about a new relationship.
We work our relationships with other people. Some work we can do on our own, but a lot of the work has to be done with another person, either in the process of reconciliation or through a new relationship. Changing people doesn't make the issues disappear, but neither does working on oneself alone. Some things just take two.
On the bright side, awareness of this makes working through things a lot easier. You can say, "Wait a minute, this isn't about you, it's about my old R..."
I don't think you need to resolve all issues from past relationships, but you certainly shouldn't go into a new, serious relationship until you know you are emotionally healthy. That's how many waywards become waywards. They NEED the relationship desperately to fill some void and/or heal some pain. It's not healthy to use a relationship for those purposes and many LBS are in an emotionally weakened and vulnerable state.
