BR: I have been trying to think of how to respond to this. I really think that things CANNOT progress between you and the missus until and unless you have sex.
Look at the title of your posts--wife wants out of sex starved marriage! When was the last time you guys had sex? I am saying this because I am putting myself in your wife's mind and telling you what I would be thinking: I would be thinking "I told him I wanted out because we don't have sex and here we still haven't had sex. Guess that proves my theory that he has no desire for me and makes it clear that I should move on."
Look, dude, I know that she is the one who is turning you away right now. But I think that she NEEDS to see you making a serious move on her for her to be able to believe that you desire her. She has convinced herself that you don't, and there is no physical evidence that she is wrong.
She was making baby steps towards you but now has backed off. I believe that is because you did not aggressively pursue her. I also realize that she has her faults and I hope that it doesn't sound like I am blasting you and making it sound like it is your fault. She has done some despicable things, but if you want your marriage to survive, the sex will have to come back to life and stay that way permanently.
Otherwise, you will inevitably find yourself back in this situation again, with her looking for validation of her desirability as a woman from some stupid Sams cart boy.
When I read that part about her crying at midnight, I knew what was bothering her. I, too, would have been crying if I was looking back on my year and thinking about how infrequently I had made love to my husband. To an HD woman (or any HD person) sex is so tied up in personal happiness that if you take it away, there is simply NO WAY for that person to feel happy. Or hopeful.
Is there any way that the two of you can get together and really talk? Not just the circular style arguments that you normally have, but really talkin. Let her know that you are a changed man. SHOW her that you are a changed man. And don't be afraid of setting boundaries with her, regarding the finances. If you don't, I'm afraid that you will find yourself so resentful that you won't be feeling like having sex with her and will find yourself right back at square one.
Is there ANY possible way for her to ditch job #2? That can't be easy on your relationship either. Or at the very least, you take over the finances completely and have her turn her checks over to you. Then set up an amount that you can both live with, that she can donate to the cousin (what a bizarre freakin situation THAT is, lol). I wouldn't take everything away from her; that is, I wouldn't say that she can't donate to the cousin. But it needs to be an amount that you can live with and that doesn't detract from your own family. And her working a second job so she can fritter her money away, is ridiculous.
I don't know...........TALK to her, Blackie! And soon. Nothing is being resolved as it is and it might be getting worse, in her mind.
I just don't see how things can get better without jump starting your love life. If that is the issue that drove her away in the first place, then it stands to reason that there can be no resolution until you rebuild your sex life.
As a last word of hopefulness to you: I asked my H at midnight what he was thankful for, from 2003, and after the usual kid-related things, he shyly looked at me and said, "I'm thankful that we restarted our sex life this year." Then he went on to say how much was missing in our lives without it and how he felt that we could handle any problems in our lives as long as we were making love (ie, kid stress, etc).
