Our MLCers miss SO much in their family's life. I know you're feeling overwhelmed. But at the end of the day, you have a lot to be proud of. Keep your head up high and be proud of the great work that you do and the role model that you are being for your D.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
So being with OW still takes priority over our business and over his daughter
One day Mila he will regret this. Continue to be the rock and consistent parent that your D needs.
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Feeling alone, overwhelmed with all the crap that I have to deal with no help from him at all.....business, household, lawyer, job hunting, house sale, money issues, D's graduation, university applications, school volunteering....and the list goes on....also with so many things up in the air right now, hard to make decisions for the future....very frustrating
Mila you’re not alone here. I’m in a similar spot. Center yourself and remember this too shall pass.
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and of course she fell in love with a little car that she really wants...but of course it's more money then she has so she was hoping that we can help with the difference....so she wants to call her dad...And he apparently told her "if mom said it's OK go for it"
1) can you and your H adopt me? 2) If yes, then can we go car shopping? 3) If we can, then I am really interested in the new BMW X5 BUT I’m about 65K short. Could I ask dad? LOL
Sorry I had to.
Cyrena – thank you for the “Drama Triangle” info. I found it totally fascinating.
God Bless, Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
Never did I think I would be handling what was a job(s) for two. My H is such a different person now than who he used to be. Like you, the starkest difference I notice is his indifference to his children at times, almost like they don't exist.
The MLCer's selfishness knows no bounds. Even after a year + of this I still shake my head.
Alb - They are missing things that they will never get back...their children don't stop growing just because they are in MLC...he is missing important events in D's life....
Eric - Thanks hon, I know that eventually this will pass...but hurry up already...it's been over a year and I'm still in this pressure cooker...I need to establish few things so I can make some plans....a job would be nice...that would be a start....still looking...shortlisted for one...crossing my fingers.
Eric - LOL you wouldn't want my H to adopt you right now, he can't even take care of himself.
You are probably wondering...she is complaining about not having money, but buying teenager a car. Well my D was saving for the past 4 years for that car and we made a commitment to her (pre-bomb) that we will match whatever she saves....so I'm jumping through loops to make that happen....actually I offered to cover it from the proceeds of the house once it's sold.
And this is not frivolous...she really needs the car...once I get a job downtown I'll be gone all day and she has to be able to get to school, work, her sport...we live in a sleepy suburb and public transportation is difficult...and H is totally unreliable.
SA - Same here...never in my dreams did I think that H would leave me with all of this on my shoulders....he always had my back and me his...we were a team...I still can't get my head around that one.
I did buy the car with D today, she was so happy...all H said to D is congratulations....seems like something a stranger would say. To me he sent an email...every sentence started with WE...we wanted to buy her..we thought...WE WE WE...well where was HE when I did all the hard work with her and made it all happen for her? At the end of the e-mail he said "I'm happy for her" well good for you...
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
Congrats to your D on her first car! My D18 just got her first one as well. D's Dad did help her with it and sent me a pic of her picking it up. I was touched that he thought to do that and thanked him for it.
In turn, the very next day, I sent my H a pic of our D12 all decked out in her Halloween costume. (She was beautiful!) She was on her way to her first dance!
He has spoke very little to me since I sent the pic. In fact, D asked him if he had received the pic. He said, "Yeah" in a not so nice tone. She told him Mommy had fixed her up and she won first place for best costume. He didn't respond at all to her. Her feelings were hurt.
I have sent him pics of the kids before such as first day of school type of things. He always has said, thanks.
All I can think is that maybe he is starting to realize how much he is missing out on. Who knows?
You're right, they'll never get that time back, and that's very sad for all concerned.
One thing we can be thankful for and that is that it isn't us who may one day wake up and realize how much we gave up to chase a fantasy.
You've made memories with your D that she'll never forget! Thank God for those blessings!
Congratulations on helping D get her first car! (Eric,...not sure, but you might be on your own in that department. ) She is watching how you are handling yourself in this "pressure cooker" and you are giving her some very precious gifts: your unconditional love, a sense of security, and the role model of a woman who conducts herself with grace and strength in difficult circumstances.
Originally Posted By: seeking answers
You've made memories with your D that she'll never forget! Thank God for those blessings!
I know that eventually this will pass...but hurry up already...it's been over a year and I'm still in this pressure cooker...
So how do you get out of the pressure cooker?
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I need to establish few things so I can make some plans....a job would be nice...that would be a start....still looking...shortlisted for one...crossing my fingers.
Good luck on the job front. From what I hear in certain industries the market is starting to pick up. IMO, easy off on the pressure that you are applying to yourself (note to myself – Eric please take your own advice). The holidays are coming up and some companies may want to wait until after the holiday season before they start to pick up new head count.
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you wouldn't want my H to adopt you right now, he can't even take care of himself.
I can take care of myself <insert video clip of Eric jumping up and down like a child>…I only need the cash for the car <insert huge smile>
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Well my D was saving for the past 4 years for that car and we made a commitment to her (pre-bomb) that we will match whatever she saves....so I'm jumping through loops to make that happen....actually I offered to cover it from the proceeds of the house once it's sold.
Kudos to your D for being able to save for 4 years. My 16 YO will spend 25 bucks when he only has 20 in his pocket. The fact that you are “jumping through hoops” to HONOR YOUR commitment is a clear example of who Mila is!
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And this is not frivolous...she really needs the car...
I never thought it was frivolous. Why do you? Hmmm… something inside of you sayin anything to YOU? Oh, and EVEN if I thought it was frivolous – should you really care? Just askin…
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and H is totally unreliable.
Oh…I get it…boy do I get it.
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I did buy the car with D today, she was so happy...
Congrats! What color?
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all H said to D is congratulations....seems like something a stranger would say.
Ahhh….I can apply one of my fav saying here….”f*ck ‘em” . He will come to realize all that he is missing one day.
As for the R between you and your D….Enjoy ever second of it! She is learning so much from you Mila. Strength, dignity, courage, responsibility, honor, COMMITMENT and…..LOVE. Be proud of yourself Mila.
Eric
"The difficulties of Life are intended to make us BETTER,not bitter". "Fear is a prison, where you are the jailer. FREE YOURSELF!" "Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B." - Jack3Beans
All I can think is that maybe he is starting to realize how much he is missing out on. Who knows?
The most interesting thing about having my H peek out of his MLC fog is learning the things he was ACTUALLY thinking over the last year. He CONTINUES to regret not being there for D's significant events. He has told me flat out how difficult it was to miss out on all the events that at the time, I barely thought he was even recognizing. Underneath, many MLCers are extremely depressed and sad at what they are missing, they REALIZE what they are missing, and yet feel powerless to do anything about it which doesn't help their ability to NOT be depressed and NOT feel powerless. It's really quite sad. I think in an attempt to not completely fall apart, they play the "aloof" game. All we can do is document document document document so that when and if they wake up, they can KIND of relive those precious moments.
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
SA - I think that when we do something with our children and they are not there (yes I know it's their choice) they miss being part of it and have a hard time dealing with it...so they either ignore it and don't comment on it (denial...if you ignore it it doesn't exist) or get angry with us, because after all everything is our fault anyway (projection/blame).
GAG - hard to read what my D thinks of everything what's going on....she doesn't talk about it. But I know that she loves her daddy and every time anything exciting happens in her life she calls him or texts him right away. The other day we were talking and I said "I want you to have a good relationship with your dad" and she said "I have a good relationship"....and that's great D doesn't show me any special consideration, doesn't treat me as a victim (poor mom) or talks badly about her dad ....and that's good too. I have noticed though that we have become even closer and despite her being a teen, we get along quite well....I know that she knows that she can rely on me to be there for her...she knows that she is my number one priority...unfortunately she obviously realizes that that's not the case with her daddy right now.
Eric - how do I get out of the pressure cooker?...I must clarify....the stress is more existential then emotional...I know how to get out of it and I'm taking steps...but still to many things up in the air...too many unknowns....
Eric - love you for the car gags...you make me laugh....it seems like cars really excite you .....boys and their toys LOL...Hopefully you don't buy cars like my D does...."oweee that's so pretty"..."I like the blue one"....who cares about the mileage or gas cost LOL
About the frivolous comment - I'm the one who feels bad about buying a car in our current situation so I'm justifying it to myself.
Alb - Thank you so much for sharing your thoughts and observations of your post-OW husband....it sure sounds like the fog is lifting for him....it helps so much to see that this is possible....because seeing my H the way he is now makes me doubt that he can ever be "normal" again.
M53 H54 D17 M33Y T38Y Bomb OW 09/09 OUT 10/09 BACK 11/09 OUT 01/10 WANTS TO R 04/10 BACK with OW 05/10 Wants to Reconcile 05/11 I said NO
They miss out on so much not being home. I have to say my Son made the honor roll this last 9 weeks and I posted it on my FB. Well, H called and asked son how come he didnt tell him he made honor roll...my son said "dad, I make honor roll all the time and I never tell you and you never ask". Kids learn really quick
Hope you have a good weekend Mila
Kissak
"What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee." Psalms 56:3 M-37 H-37 S-10, D-15 M- 1993 First bomb- 12/23/06 Came and went too MANY times! Gone again 10-25-10
Sorry I had to.
) She is watching how you are handling yourself in this "pressure cooker" and you are giving her some very precious gifts: your unconditional love, a sense of security, and the role model of a woman who conducts herself with grace and strength in difficult circumstances.