Thanks guys. I really am working on myself. It's coming along in stages. Stop the pursuit, then pull back, then get myself together, then work on the 180's, then really listen. I'm getting there slowley.
There is one thing though. Whenever we talk about the sitch, she always tears up and seems conflicted and worried about her future on her own. Talking about need to get an IRA, a better job, afraid to death I'm going to screw her over in the D settlement. I'm trying to be her best friend in all this, 'cause I don't believe she's playing me for a sucker. But then she goes out and has boucoup fun as if everything is perfectly normal.
To answer your question steve, I don't believe she's being childish or petty; I think she's conflicted and trying to hold herself together. Remember when I posted my sitch, S11 is a very fragle sensitive kid, and it seems to eat her up that he could be scarred for life by our D, that he could wind up hating his cheating mother, of course D17 too but she's older. It's gonna come out sooner or later.
At least I have one thing going for me, I'll be there for her, not the OM.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Thanks guys. I really am working on myself. It's coming along in stages. Stop the pursuit, then pull back, then get myself together, then work on the 180's, then really listen. I'm getting there slowley.
Stay the course....Strength will come
Focus on your life right now, and move forward, not on.
Live your life for you and what you want. 180's should be mostly natural if you just start living again. Get out and do the things you want to do.
Start a list of things that are for you, check them off as you go, and your 180's will be there.
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
There is one thing though. Whenever we talk about the sitch, she always tears up and seems conflicted and worried about her future on her own. Talking about need to get an IRA, a better job, afraid to death I'm going to screw her over in the D settlement. I'm trying to be her best friend in all this, 'cause I don't believe she's playing me for a sucker. But then she goes out and has boucoup fun as if everything is perfectly normal.
You are giving her way too much power here over your emotions. Let her spin and feel the ramifications of her decisions through this. This woman wants to leave you and destroy the family life you have worked to build , Not to be cruel to her or anything, but that is part of this for her new life she wants to forge. The reality of her decisions.
Mostly though, stop talking about your situation...
Don't ask the questions you don't want the answers to.
Any relationship talk will put immense pressure on her....STOP
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
To answer your question steve, I don't believe she's being childish or petty; I think she's conflicted and trying to hold herself together. Remember when I posted my sitch, S11 is a very fragle sensitive kid, and it seems to eat her up that he could be scarred for life by our D, that he could wind up hating his cheating mother, of course D17 too but she's older. It's gonna come out sooner or later.
At least I have one thing going for me, I'll be there for her, not the OM.
You job is to protect your children from this as much as you can.
AND if they should find out about it, you need to be in a spot to protect how they react and guide them through this. And you can't lead from the rear....
She actually suggested we get the D and settle who gets what and then still pretend to be M for the sake of the kids until they're older. Can you effing believe that?!
I've heard of married parents living seperately, but divorced parents living together pretending. The woman is not thinking rationally.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
When she does, you need to be in a position to handle the conversations better....
Validate her concerns and just listen to her. Much knowledge of how she feels can be obtained from that. Don't think about your response while she is talking....
Believe about half of what she is saying, and I say that because, you have to account for the things that "sting" you, or make you say....Wow, I DID do that...
Half because that is her truth right now....
Seek to understand, and you will be understood....
I will ask Cadet to post the link to Validating, here for you to read....
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
She actually suggested we get the D and settle who gets what and then still pretend to be M for the sake of the kids until they're older. Can you effing believe that?
Actully ????
Nothing you say will surprise too many of us that have been here a while.....so yes, I believe that is the way she is thinking right now.
Not a healthy arrangement for you or the children.
Bottom line is ?
Her choice=her move.
Look, I know in the beginning, most feel that the move out is the end...
Ever have a fight in the 6th grade with your best friend over a marble ?
You each get pissed and go to your corner of the world for a few weeks, then after sometime has passed, you meet on the playground and wonder why you didn't play marbles anymore?
Yea.....kinda like that....
Don't let fear rule you making decisions that are best for you and your children right now.
If it doesn't SOUND healthy for your children ?
Don't put them or yourself in that situation....
Originally Posted By: InAPickle
I've heard of married parents living seperately, but divorced parents living together pretending. The woman is not thinking rationally.
My wife also goes out, and when she is on the phone with her friends she acts as if life is normal and she is not going through anything that is hard on her. She is trying to force herself to be happy she thinks that what she is doing now is the right thing to do for herself but she is not sure and yes, she is conflicted. The alternative I think, is that she would get depressed over the situation and start having thoughts of hopelessness and no way out. I think that would be far more dangerous.
Me 39 W 37 S 5 D 2.75 Married 12 years Together 14 years Bomb Dropped 08/16/10
I read that validating thread - very interesting. I've been practicing, but I need to practice on everyone around me, co-workers, kids, the whole bit. Validate and reflect.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Had another talk yesterday. W is still concerned about her futre on her own. Consulted w/ me again as to an IRA. I said sure take something out of your paycheck every week. Her work offers a ROTH but no employer contribution.
Of course she tears up again. She said she feels guilty. I validated as best I could, reassuring her I understood all the pressure she's under with all the "conflicts": moral, at work, and at home. I again had to tell her I would not "screw" her in a D settlement.
I really don't know what's going on with this person: admits to EA, wants to not be married anymore, feels guilty about it. She doesn't seem to trust me?
We had to stay up late because yesterday was D17's birthday and there was the HS football game, after which we went out to eat and sang and had cake. D17 was housesitting this weekend with her band friend, so after we ate she had to come home and pack. So I didn't get to bed till 1:00 AM. W ended up staying up to watch a ppv movie and didn't come to bed until I was long asleep.
Will somebody tell me WTF is going on with this person?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
