2 thoughts: One, she keeps saying that I’m controlling, so I am mulling that one. I think she means that I try to control by words, and have little actual control. I really am the doormat here. We live in her town, go to her church, I’m driving her old minivan and she’s got the new car we just bought. I really care very little about a lot of the small stuff, so I probably am wishy washy on it. “I don’t know where do you want to eat…”, that kind of thing. Last night, rather than waste a lot of words on what to do for supper, I just asked if she had a plan. When she didn’t, I said I was bringing home subs…being more decisive. I know this may seem like I’m being MORE controlling, but I truly feel that I am not the controlling one here.
If anything, maybe she is feeling that my doormat nature “controls” in that it makes her decide everything, or something. I’m just hoping to get through this storm, and then really address “control” in therapy- hopefully after divorce is off the table. It’s her #1 issue, so I can’t ignore, but she can’t give me great examples.
Second, I am working on the parts of myself that I miss, assuming she may miss them, too. Increasing my social circle again and getting more exercise. When we met, I had a bunch of friends and an active schedule with them. I also was more physically active. Those things naturally slip when you have a home and children to spend time with…and of course I’ll choose some alone time with my wife over beers with some sweaty guy every time. It got very easy for those things to slip, but it clearly adds to my “doormat” vibe.
I think my overall problem is that she just has trouble staying faithful. This is at least her third episode of misconduct (chatting nasty with strangers on the internet 8 years ago, a 6 month PA 2 years ago, and now an EA that she swears hasn’t gone PA yet). It all seems to be based on the fantasy of the new and unknown, and the ability to pretend there will never be consequences. If we get past it, we need some deep therapy there. She has already started some on her own, but it has made things worse at the outset- her therapist seems pro-divorce, and is getting a very warped view of me as a dominating ogre.
