who are you?

[Walking]

Hi Clark,

Can I call you Superman? You’re words are fasting than speeding bullets!! (haha )

It is interesting how we all read other posters stories through our own eyes. You certainly saw a different story than the one I saw.

I didn’t perceive that Marnie’s husband was lying to her, I perceived he viewed pornography privately and she caught him at it. I guess because that’s my experience in a marriage where we were both too sexually immature and inexperienced to have honest conversations about sex and sexuality. It’s a pretty common problem among married couples – and it’s not about “lying” and it’s not about disrespecting your partner or being deviant– it’s about having hang ups that make it difficult to discuss those intimate issues. It’s about communication.

I think too many marriages suffer because of one or both partners inexperience in discussing their sexual needs because they feel embarrassed or concerned about how their partner would take sexual tastes they’ve developed as younger people. If you get turned on by say, feet, and you are embarrassed about that because it’s a bit of a weird turnon, it’s just easier to satisfy yourself with a shoe catalogue than introduce your wife to your fetish. Ya know? Does that “damage” a marriage? It’s not ideal, it would be great if he could tell his wife and she could enjoy foot massages every night – but it’s not the end of the world if he keeps his personal fantasy life to himself.

I completely agree with you that in a good marriage there should be no secrets - although I’m not sure I’d agree that committing to a person for life gives them rights to your fantasy life. Surely it’s healthy to have some secrets of our imagination?

I also didn’t get the impression from Marnie’s first post that she felt in any way unsafe. She said she had a good marriage and a good sex-life.

In short... I dont have issue with porn being used here, but I do take serious issue with HOW he was going about consuming it... And I take even more serious issue with you sidestepping his disrespecting marmie here... I am quite offended ...

I’m sorry I offended you and I’m very sorry if I offended Marnie. As I said, I didn’t perceive the behaviour was deviant, rather, solitary -for a whole range of reasons.

I don’t agree however that his behaviour is really about Marnie, his behaviour is about him and Marnie insofar as it affects her. Is it disrespectful for a man to view porn in the privacy of his own home without discussing it with his wife? Yeah, it is – he should have talked to Marmie about it and they should have had an agreement that she was comfortable with – but I reiterate, all marriages aren’t perfect, and people are inexperienced in talking about this stuff, so yes, I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Pornography addiction, or more broadly overuse of pornography, is excessive pornography use that interferes with daily life. There is no diagnosis of pornography addiction in the current Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM), and as with the broader proposed diagnosis of sexual addiction, there is debate as to whether or not the behaviors indicate a behavioral addiction.

Marmie hasn’t posted any evidence that her husband’s use of pornography interferes with daily life. Not everyone who uses porn is addicted to it and I certainly didn’t get the impression that was the case from her first post. It’s interesting that you jumped to that conclusion. It is certainly a worst case scenario … but a rather alarmist one.

I think it’s best if we agree to disagree on your analysis of pornography per se. I don’t have the energy to debate your references, but suffice to say I don’t accept the premis that use of adult content material leads to people becoming serial killers and/or sex addicts. I think that’s an extreme view of a complex issue. I’ve actually just completed a study on what linkages exist between access to adult content material in Indigenous communities and incidence of sexual abuse and there is no correlation in that population.

Likewise I don’t accept my comments to Marmie about exploring what was going on with her husband was not analogous to having a drink with a drunk (although I got a giggle out of that line – what’d I tell you, faster than a speeding bullet! ) I didn’t perceive he had a “problem” I perceived he was a fellow with a perfectly normal private fantasy life.

The fact is Walking and Bond this so called husband is coercing his wife into changing their sex life.

What? Am I missing some posts? What is he coercing Marmie to do? He’s waiting until she’s asleep and looking at dirty pictures.

Sometimes I wish I saw things as clearly as other seem to. It seems simple to just say - It’s too risky to tolerate any behaviour in a spouse that deviates from some arbitrary set of rules around the marriage contract – demand perfect “marriage contract” behaviour or roll out of town. But I guess I see that we are all human and rather than jumping to the worst conclusion about our spouses behaviour in the first instance it’s sometimes helpful to take a step back and think about how big a deal it really is.

It could be a really big problem – and if Marmie and her husband are able to talk to each other about it openly and honestly they can work it out together. It could also be a storm in a tea-cup. Ya know?