V1olin's new life without wife #2

[flowmom]

The main barrier was the abrubtness of it all. For 18 years I have had a very deep sense of love for this woman. I told her I would always love her and I meant it.

Me too violin. I truly get that. I married for life and was totally unprepared for it to end even though there were M problems.

Honestly, I think DB kept me from moving on when I should have.

That is a tricky one. I was lucky to have people like CityGirl posting to me early on giving me honest feedback that my STBXH was done...she was right.

Do I ever need to detach to the point that I don't care about other men spending time with my kids? I hate that.

Things shift when you truly accept the divorce. If you start your thoughts with "given that we are divorced...", it changes how you see things.

When I was dating another guy early on, I kind of foolishly went to stay at his bed and breakfast with my kids. They didn't witness anything other than platonic interactions and there was an excuse of having mutual friends. My children loved the whole experience. Weirdly, when we were having breakfast and the guy was in the kitchen nearby, out of the blue S7 started talking about how I could marry a new man, etc. Things didn't work out with that guy (and that was the only time that my children met him), but I found the whole thing very interesting. It made me realize that at some level my children are open to attaching to new adults and that my children may understand subconsciously that me being partnered increases my well-being and therefore theirs. I can relate to this because I remember consciously accepting my stepfather at age 5 on the basis that it was good for my mother to have him.

What is my point? My point is that our children can love and receive love from many people. In general, the more trustworthy adults my children have in their lives, the better off they are. Initially, I was freaked by the idea of my children spending time with stbxh's possible girlfriends. But eventually I have realized that

1. stbxh won't expose his children willy nilly to just anybody, any more than I would

2. my children enjoy having other adults in their lives

3. my children would hugely benefit from either of their parents feeling nourished by a loving relationship. single parenting sucks in a lot of ways IME...having someone to share the highs and lows has huge indirect benefits to the kids.

So in theory I am open to the idea of stbxh sharing his life with someone new and my children being involved in that. I know, it's just theoretical and I know that it's very likely that I will have major emotional reactions.

Part of my openness is my own conviction that OF COURSE I wouldn't expose my children to a guy unless it was serious and in my judgement a good choice for them. I'm giving credit to my stbxh for having a similar though process.