I'm sorry you are going through such a tough time.
When I replied to your post, the picture I had of you and your situation was that of a young woman in an otherwise happy marriage stumbling on your husband with his secret (mainstream) porn stash.
I didn’t get the feeling that your H was addicted – of course addiction to anything is a whole different kettle of fish. I also didn’t get the impression that he’d been deliberately dishonest about his “thing”, I assumed he had a habit of privately viewing porn and he did this secretly because he didn’t feel comfortable sharing it with you (because of his hang-ups or yours) – and you finally caught him at it. My gut reaction to your post was that you guys hadn’t really talked about it, you got upset and he apologized and that was that.
My gut feeling was that you reminded me of myself as a younger woman who loved her husband, but was pretty niave sexually and thought “good girls don’t get too sexy”. In hindsight, my xh would have liked me to be a lot more sexually adventurous, and as an older woman whose now had more exposure to adult sexuality, I’ve realized it would have added a whole new level of intimacy to my marriage that I didn’t even know existed.
Your later posts clarify that his thing is less mainstream than I assumed and “he can’t stop”. I’m not sure what that means. Often when men say they can’t do something, it means they don’t want to.
I guess I’d still say to you, be calm, talk to your H. He’s your husband and you love him right? His thing may not be, and probably isn’t, about you. It’s about something that’s going on for him.
Marnie , I maintain (and I’ll respond to Superman’s posts separately) that just because he’s looking at kinky-stuff on the internet absolutely doesn’t mean he’s cruising gay bars in real life. A lot of people have a fantasy life that they’d never act on. You need to talk to him – and you need to do so in a loving way so that he feels he can be honest with you – if he’s defensive and feels attacked he’s less likely to be honest with you (DB 101!!).
Blessings ☺
V
Never make someone a priority, who makes you an option.
