Haven't Yet Found My Way

[newmama]

just my 2 cents-- I don't see what was rude about IR's post... if you could please clarify by quoting text it would help a lot of us to understand the rules or boundaries I guess? Thanks!

Mystik- I like your "nonchalant" plan of interacting with your H because it isn't cold and isn't too eager.

Glad to see you follow through with the therapy appointment- another example of how you are a strong and competent person!!!

Also, you flashed your cahonas and took care of yourself and S by filing with the Family court (money issues). Well done!

[Piano]

Mystik, you are an inspiration! These steps you are taking are vital and moving you towards a better future. We believe in you!

[Piano]

I second Newmama. These edited posts are getting disconcerting.

[Mystik]

IR, thank you for posting. I am doing my best to keep DS out of the mess between his father and I. The only time H contacts me is when it's about DS, but yes he is prone to making changes to the time and/or place where we exchange DS. Going to do my best to keep it business like, hard as it is.

NM, thanks. Still nervous but I know the filing had to be done. Now I'm wishing I had agreed to start the therapy right away instead of waiting a day, but I have so much at work I need to wrap up I just couldn't do it.

Piano, thank you. *blush* I have never thought of myself as an inspiration.

[Mystik]

As I posted to NM, I am now kicking myself for not starting the therapy right away and instead waiting until tomorrow to do it. I am a bit burned out on work right now, so that doesn't help.

The thing that has me a bit unsure of the therapy is that it won't make the depression go away, it will only teach me how to cope with the symptoms of it. Add to that I have three different depressions going on. Clinical, situational and disthymia, which basically means life-long depression.

They are going to start me on the part-time program, three days a week from 11:45 to 4. If the therapist they assign me thinks I need the full-day every day program then they'll switch me. The intake person said I could actually fit into either program so I wouldn't be surprised if they end up switching me.

[dbmod]

Will you get meds?

[Mystik]

As far as I know I'm going to continue with the meds I'm on. I'll find out more tomorrow when I meet with the treatment team and they go over the treatment plan with me.

[CityGirl]

At first you will be taught coping mechanisms. For most types of clinical and situational depression that has to be the first step along with VERY regulated medicinal therapies.

For many people though depression is not just a "feeling". Once depression reaches a certain stage (clinical) your brain actually "rewires" itself to accept depression as "normal". As it stands now your brain "works" on the foundation of depression being the usual operating function.

The treatment of depression (and anxiety which has a similar path) is very multi layered and yes, you will be required to do LOTS of work. There is no straight path to treating depression when it reaches the level you and me both have experienced.

I'm hoping your dr(s) will be as tough as mine because the wallowing must stop. They know you are in pain but you will have to reach so far down in yourself to TRUST these people it will feel like torture at first. You will have to put every ounce of yourself in trusting the people that *will* help you.

One of the worst days of my life was when my dr. induced an anxiety attack in me right in his office. It was horrifying on every level and an experience I NEVER care to repeat (hence doing the work that seemed impossible). But I had to trust his motives and guess what? That day was a turning point to show myself I DID have the tools to deal with such deep clinical anxiety. And who better to verify that then the dr. who was treating me. And he pushed and pushed and pushed me until I was not sure I could be pushed anymore. But I'm here and my anxiety is less and less present.

So please don't say no or you can't do it or anything else. TRUST. TRUST. TRUST.

I know the others mean well but until you are clinically better none of this advice will matter a bit - your brain will fight it. Yes, you do need to set boundaries and all the other DB stuff but first you need to be CLINICALLY better.

Now you can do this. I know this because if I can do it you can. Coming back from a nervous breakdown is not an overnight process. I get it. I lived it.

Don't overwhelm yourself with advice that you just can't handle right now - be clinically better first. That is step 1.

Mystik - you ARE going to do this. You will be better. I am living proof (sorta? LOL!). It's okay to be scared because, well, this is scary stuff. Even if they don't know how to deal with it LOTS of people want more than anything for you to be clinically better. So we will all stand behind you.

Be well. I am *really* proud of you for taking this step.

[Mystik]

Thanks CG. Not feeling too nervous about tomorrow yet, but I know when I wake up in the morning I will be. And I know it will be scary and hard and I'm going to think I can't do. But I also know that I have to. I can't continue like this.

[Mystik]

Had the parent-teacher conference tonight. Even though I texted H Tuesday morning to remind him, he was a no-show. I'm not going to tell him what she said, if he was so concerned he would have come, if he wants to know what's going on he can call her. I'm not a messenger boy. The teacher said she would be more than happy to talk to him so the burden of sharing DS's report wasn't on me. I told the teacher his mistress just had their baby so that was probably why he didn't come.

As it turns out, it was a good thing H never showed. She said she was glad I opened with the remark about H because she wanted to talk to me but didn't want to come across as crossing the line too much. She said that DS is very pre-occupied with H and I getting back together and she is really worried about his emotional state. He'll write in his journal at school that he had a sleepover at Daddy's, two nights connected but he really needs his mommy and daddy to be together. He'll make comments about it to her, as well. She does the best she can with brushing if off by telling him how lucky he is that we both love him so much or something. I explained that I've been struggling with depression and DS picks up on it. She said she feels that some days he is not fully with her, and the home situation is contributing to his attention problems because his mind is on me or H and me and not on school. I told her DS is seeing a counselor but not opening up so well there so she offered to speak to his counselor and fill her in on what she's observed. She said DS also gets angry very easily, usually when he is working on reading and says the wrong word and she corrects him. He gets very frustrated with trying to read, probably because he's not having an easy time with it. I asked if we should look into extra tutoring for him and she said not just yet, to work on the behavior stuff first and if come next marking period he's still struggling with reading then we can consider tutoring. He is very behind where he should be for first grade reading level.