Wife abandoned me...Now What?

[Mike.4545]

MrBond,

In my case, that is not the reaction I got from my in-laws. They have been helping me fight this affair every step of the way for the last several months.

You are correct...it is something she's going to have to figure out on her own, and no, she does not live with me. She moved out at the beginning of our situation several months ago and our interaction with each other during that time has been pretty darn rare.

For myself, I've gotten into fantastic shape...same weight but more strength than when I was 19. I've continued counseling on my own, read everything I could to learn more about relationships/marriage, focused on maintaining/improving our home, taken care of our puppy, gone out and spent time with friends and family, become a better uncle to my nephew and started learning how to care for a baby by doing so, and regained my self confidence, strength, and respect by living my life the best that I could.

[MrBond]

"In my case, that is not the reaction I got from my in-laws. They have been helping me fight this affair every step of the way for the last several months."

That's great. Has it influenced your W in any way? If not, then it's not working. But then it still comes down to your W's choice.

In regards to DR, with your changes, has your W made any comments about them? When you interact with her on those rare occasions, how are you? Does she ask about you and your relationships? Is she living with the OM?

[Mike.4545]

"In my case, that is not the reaction I got from my in-laws. They have been helping me fight this affair every step of the way for the last several months."

That's great. Has it influenced your W in any way? If not, then it's not working. But then it still comes down to your W's choice.

In regards to DR, with your changes, has your W made any comments about them? When you interact with her on those rare occasions, how are you? Does she ask about you and your relationships? Is she living with the OM?

I really do believe her family has had an influence on her regarding the affair, yes. While their involvement and pressure may ultimately not be enough, it did cause her to cease all contact with the OM for 3 months...which is more than I can say for anything else that's been attempted through all of this. Like you said though...it's going to come down to my wife's choice above all else.


Yes my wife has noticed and made comments about the changes and improvements I've made. Generally, our conversations have been light and pleasant. She asks about things that are going on in my life and I do the same. The way I act when we are together is positive, hopeful, and confident. I don't break down, pursue, beg, or any of that. I'm just upbeat you know?

And no, she does not live with OM. In fact, he lives 600 miles away.

[MrBond]

"it did cause her to cease all contact with the OM for 3 months...which is more than I can say for anything else that's been attempted through all of this."

But it in the end it didn't work because I think you mentioned they got together recently.

So thinking objectively, why or what factors do you think would make her want to come back to you? Aside from marriage vows, etc. What benefit does she get from going back to you?

[Clark_Kent]

It does work if you keep at it... the objective is to diffuse the excitement.. which it did do.. now with time and some stick to itness you can get through this Mike...

[Mike.4545]

Okay, let me put it like this: ANALOGY TIME:

Say you got this wall...and your only goal is to tear this wall completely to the ground.

To do this, you've acquired a number of tools, objects, and methods that you think may be your ticket to bringing this wall down.

You throw rocks, you kick it, hit it, scream at it, hit it with bats and axes...and the wall doesn't budge. It doesn't even dent or chip!

Finally, you use one of your most serious tools...say a good-old sledge hammer. WHACK!...The wall now has a chunk in it!!!

Success?!?....NO!

The wall has a chunk ripped out of it but it's a world away from being completely crumbled to the ground...so you have still not been successful at your goal!

So what do you do now? Try every other tool again that previously failed to make even a dent?

Or continue to use the only thing that gave that damn big wall a run for it's money?


=O)

[Steve McQueen]

For the record, when I found out about my W's A, I exposed to my MIL and SIL. I thought my MIL would be sympathetic since her H skipped out on her and my W. She told me to let her go and be happy.

She was speaking from experience. Loved you enough to give you some REALLY great advice.

Michelle writes something similar:

push yourself out the door. Remind yourself that there is a world outside of your current uncomfortable situation. It will be good for your soul and your self-esteem.

[MrBond]

"She was speaking from experience. Loved you enough to give you some REALLY great advice. "

Nah after that I found out she never liked me. When I asked her why she said she believed her daughter could do better. Gee, like the married doctor she was having the A with? Much better.

[Truegritter]

but I've been doing that for over 7 months and we've gotten nowhere

I know this is frustrating when you don't get what you are after.

Something to think about for YOU.

When you took your vows did you say:

"I will love and honor you, all the days of my life, in good times and in bad, for better or worse

BUT

If you get scared and lose your way

If you are so scared you run away

If you don't give me what I want

I won't"

?

THIS is about you Mike. What do you believe? How do you act with honor and integrity?

How you act defines who you are.

So will you let someone compromise who you are?

Will you let someone dictate what YOU believe by THEIR actions or inaction?

You can walk away but make sure you do it because YOU decide it NOT because your W decided it for you.

Otherwise you will let someone else, maybe the next person, affect you the same way?

This is tough stuff Mike. And most people don't have the stomach for the worse in "better or worse"

Frustration is an emotion so don't make a decision with it.

[Mike.4545]

I hear you TG, and that line of thinking does bring me back to center. Thank you.

Problem is though, I don't think it's even going to matter if I wanna keep pushing through this mess. I'm almost positive my W has had enough of everyone holding back her relationship with the OM...and she's to the point of deciding to throw in her towel and file.

I don't know how I could prevent that any longer.