I hate to waste an opportunity, 'cause I'm still in that early stage of pain and shock, as you can tell by the one goal I mentioned. It is an immense effort to not pursue, but I am learning fast. I need to recognize an opportuity when it presents itself. Other goals? Let me see: Learn to detach first of all, so I don't feel so lovesick all the time.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
"Do not believe what you hear and less than 50% of what you see."
Can someone tell me what exactly does this mean? Can you give me an example (or two)?
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
In my sitch, the vast majority of the terribly hurtful things she said to me have been contradicted in her actions. Sometimes that has happened as little as half an hour after what was actually said.
eg i could never kiss you passionately again at 7pm, kissing me passionately at 7.30pm
On the other hand, saying she wanted to reconsile, then going back on it 2 days later.
"Do not believe what you hear and less than 50% of what you see."
Can someone tell me what exactly does this mean? Can you give me an example (or two)?
The WAS is very confused and conflicted on the inside even if they don't always show it on the outside. They will often say and do things to convince/remind themselves of the stance they've taken, and will not want to show you any of the conflict they are experiencing. It is harder for them to mask their behaviour and sometimes actions will indicate this ...
This confusion and behaviour is part of what can make you hop on the rollercoaster ... it's why we talk about detaching.
Peace PEI
Holding onto anger to punish someone else, is like lighting yourself on fire to get smoke in their eyes ~ 25yearsmlc
Oh Great ! What the hell did I do to deserve this?
But you're right; sometimes I get the sense that her laughter on the phone with her friends is so loud it must be for my ears, kind of forced.
I've also read somewhere here to be prepared for "backlash". We had fun at a HS football game a couple of weeks ago; the next day she hardly spoke to me.
Got another game tonight; D17 is flag twirling in the band.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
"Do not believe what you hear and less than 50% of what you see."
It is something thrown around on this site to provide false hope for people who after years, a decade, or more, never learned how to listen to or read their spouse's actions.
It is important you believe what they say to you and what they do and react appropriately.
If they say to you, 'I love you but I am not in love with you' or 'I want a divorce; I am in love with someone else' you should be listening and believing them because that is how they feel. If you ignore their wants, desires, feelings for your own wants, desires, feelings you are being selfish. If you act out in selfishness in an already desolate situation chances are the person that wants to flee will not find any reason not to. Selfishness maybe viewed as "more of the same behavior" or passive agressiveness. Why should someone want or have to put up with that?
From Michele,
Quote:
I have worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they are utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner's is wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views.
You can learn very important lessons from people who have been on this site for years and never resolved their marital problems. Holding on and attempting to control your spouse to conform to how you feel they should act and be is not trying something different. Listen carefully to what they say, often they are telling you 'I am not happy. I want to be happy; but you being around you is not going to make me happy.'
Easy. Save Yourself. First. The advice retrieved from Divorce Busting is invaluable in regards to this. You will be suprised how quickly a bad marriage can turn around when you are offering something new, different, exciting. 'Getting married to you was a mistake' or 'I haven't been happy in years' is telling you you need to change if you want to save this marriage. If you ignore that, people will move on from an unhappy situation regardless of some signed piece of paper or vow before god.
