So scared

[barbsing1]

I'm scared because I did something I've not been able to do in the past - I didn't do this hastily. What is comfortable to me is giving in to him, retracting everything and cowering in a corner. I promised myself if he contacted her again, that would be it - that an ultimatum would have to be issued. I can't continue to live with a man who constantly tells me he doesn't love me - that there is no hope. I believe he has been staying because he has no money (I am the proverbial gravy train) and my MIL confirmed this to our mutual friend. He has told me he loves her, not me. We had a trip planned after Thanksgiving and he was thinking about if he wanted to go - he was concerned going would give me false hope or that I would have expectations of me. He came home last night and said he had reconsidered but that he only wanted to go because he wanted to see the concert we purchased tickets for, not to spend time with me. He called ex-wife because she is having legal problems with her ex. He shows more concern about her welfare than mine.

I have read DR - it's a great book. I've been trying so hard to follow it - to GAL, to act "as if" - to really think about if my next move will bring me closer or further away from my goal (getting him to consider to work on the R). But he lies to me, bold-faced, on a regular basis. Many of the things he has lied about I haven't confronted him on because I have been trying to be a good DB'r. But when is enough enough? I really think he needs to feel the consequences for his decisions. Thus far, there haven't been any. He comes home to a clean house, breakfast on the table every morning, dinner on the table every night. Clothes cleaned and folded. I am happy to see him when he returns. I put my happy face on. I have 180'd myself almost to death (what I did last night was a 180). I know slow is fast. I had advice from Coach, Robx, etc prior who told me to set boundaries and then act accordingly when they were not respected. H has not been respecting the no contact boundary. There really was no yelling and screaming. I dropped a couple f-bombs, which I probably shouldn't have but ultimately I told him to go, be happy, go be with the love of his life and leave me alone.