Wife abandoned me...Now What?

[MrBond]

"If her family keeps on her and refuses to ever accept OM then I think she will eventually give him up."

Nope. There have been more times than not here on the boards that show that even when there was exposure to the family, they didn't do anything. It worked in a handful of cases, but I don't see it happening very often. I think that's why DR tells you to not involve family. I think you could tell them, but don't expect them to get involved. They'll usually side with blood.

So Mike, a couple of questions...
Is this guy older? Has he been married before? The thing is that it seems like your W and you have been together when you were both pretty young. Not saying that's a reason for a divorce, but like all marriages, sometimes things get "comfortable".

You know he's pushing all of the right buttons. Do you two live together still? Have you laid any boundaries at all?

She's like a renewed teenager and you're the bothersome father. Or at least that's how she sees you now. First and foremost, whatever changes you made or are making are for YOU and you alone. She has to get the vibe that you're not doing it for her. That you are your own man. That you are confident and not needy.

You've got the gift of time on your side where you know her better than this guy. Start writing those things out and apply them in small doses to her so it doesn't seem clingy. Meanwhile go out and live your life. What makes YOU happy?

[Clark_Kent]

"If her family keeps on her and refuses to ever accept OM then I think she will eventually give him up."

Nope. There have been more times than not here on the boards that show that even when there was exposure to the family, they didn't do anything. It worked in a handful of cases, but I don't see it happening very often. I think that's why DR tells you to not involve family. I think you could tell them, but don't expect them to get involved. They'll usually side with blood.

If you follow the thread carefully Bond he already did reveal the affair to WW's family and they sided with HIM and not their daughter...


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[Mike.4545]

Thanks for you input guys. I did in fact expose the situation to her family several months ago, and they have been tremendously supportive. No, they will not abandon or shut out their daughter ultimately, but they have put a great deal of pressure on her about the affair and made it clear that the OM will not be welcomed into their lives. No matter what happens...I believe it was the right thing to do, as my wife has shown ZERO restraint with not contacting the OM on her own. This has been the only action during own entire situation that actually slowed her down.

We do not live together. She left at the onset of our situation and has her own apartment that she pays for on her own. I made my boundaries clear which she overstepped more than once. It's at that time when I began exposure, reaffirmed my boundaries, and told her I would not tolerate any more contact with OM.

Well she made it a little longer and then overstepped my boundaries again...and this time I told her I was done. I told her that I would not tolerate this treatment anymore and that unless she is willing to have COMPLETE transparency, and begin actively working on reconciling our relationship, that she could do whatever she pleases regarding divorce.

Anything short of her full commitment to rebuilding marriage, then she could consider our next conversation the last...ever. I told her I would not want to see her or communicate with her ever again if she wasn't able to prove her affair was over permanently, and take steps to rebuild what we've lost in our marriage...And I MEAN THIS. Said she needed a few days to think...and although I'm sure she'll run for divorce...I'm ready to accept that. I think time has run out for both of us and is no longer a gift we can enjoy. I know she's not willing to carry on like this anymore, and neither am I.

Ultimately, I'll take everything I've learned and everything I've improved about myself with me...with or without her. If she's gone for good, then maybe someday she'll be able to learn from this as well, but for now it's apparent that she hasn't grown or learned a damn thing from all of this.

[Clark_Kent]

Just keep holding tight Mike.. If you and your family keep the pressure on she or OM will get frustrated and give up... Just keep your distance...

[Mike.4545]

To answer another question, the OM is 25, single, and never married. 3 years younger than my wife, and 4 years younger than me.

I would also agree that the age we started our relationship likely has been a factor. Bad, non-productive habits were definitely formed by both her and I, and unfortunately were not addresses or broken even as we've grown and matured over our relationship.

[MrBond]

CK,

"And your stats on the effectiveness of this matter are dreadfully inaccurate... You aren't helping posters by misinforming them."

First of all I didn't quote any "stats". It's just what I've seen after being on the boards for 2.5 years.

"And again for the record Mike did tell them and they did very much get involved. You are way off base here... again."

Getting involved is one thing. Getting to the point where it actually changes the mind of the WAS is something totally different.

From observation here and in other place (yes I do go outside these boards and have acquired a fair amount of research), when you involve family and friends alot of times they may seem and get active in trying to break up the A, but then they lose steam or end up siding with the WAS. Again, I'm not saying that always happens. It's just what I've seen.

It's the reason why DR says to not involve well-meaning family and friends. Or at least that's my take.

But ever situation is different it's up to the individual as to what they want to apply.

I see that you've been here for a couple years also. Do you have your own story somewhere?

[Mike.4545]

Clark,

I'd really like to say that I could hold tight and keep my distance, but I've been doing that for over 7 months and we've gotten nowhere =O/ My lack of pressure and presence in her life has just allowed her to continue her affair at will and it's just come to the point where she won't give me any more time.

She thinks that a divorce will set her free to be happy again...and nothing has been able to convince her otherwise.

I honestly don't know if there is anything I could say or do right now to keep her from filing...and I'm not sure I could go any longer either.

[Mike.4545]

Not to get into a debate on the exposure thing as I know it's a touchy subject here on these boards...but I still believe it was the way to go in my situation. Ultimately it may not have been able to save my marriage, but I know it slowed her down more than anything else has, and it hasn't really caused any negative side-affects as of yet. Everyone suspected what was going on anyway...and were happy to know the truth amongst all the lies.

[MrBond]

For the record, when I found out about my W's A, I exposed to my MIL and SIL. I thought my MIL would be sympathetic since her H skipped out on her and my W. She told me to let her go and be happy. So it didn't work for me.

[MrBond]

Mike,

"She thinks that a divorce will set her free to be happy again...and nothing has been able to convince her otherwise."

You are right. YOU can't convince her. She has to be the one to come to that realization on her own. What have you been doing for yourself?

Drop the R talk and live your life so you start gaining your self-esteem and confidence back. It took me awhile, but it's the one thing you definitely need to do.

I'm assuming she's still living at home?