"Big bro" was not that involved as a dad while married. He loved his d and all, but he just wasn't hands on at all, and called for help for the smallest things. My ex sil could barely go shopping or take a shower without my big bro asking her for help with their d.
Sounds a lot like my H…
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So he got a divorce from a great woman. And then my big bro had one on one time with his d, for actually the first time in her life. I hate to admit this, but in reality, my bro had more time with his d AFTER the divorce than he did while married. Sad, but true. They bonded in ways that might not have happened otherwise. Oh he invited his siblings and our children to help him out a lot, that's for sure. But still, for HIM, his daddy time was exponentially increased over what it would have been if he'd always been able to dump it on his ex.
Oh look, there he is again!
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Fast forward. My ex sil remarried a wonderful man who is a hands on guy who's been a great step dad. My niece loves him. She also loves her dad, my bro. But the day to day life is with her mother and step dad. That's my brother's loss, NOT HERS...hope you can see that for my niece, the divorce gave her an involved step dad, and a more involved dad, than marriage between her parents would have. For her, I think the divorce was a net positive, as horrible as that sounds. Make sense? I mean, I actually think she benefitted, GIVEN that my bro wasn't the greatest dad in the first place. (It definitely benefitted my ex sil. She's much happier with her "new" h than she would ever have been with my bro. I'm sad to admit that but it's the truth. He did her a favor. (Maybe it applies to your sitch to an extent?)
Things just may work out that way. Any future R for me will be with someone who is willing to step up to the roll of daddy. If H can do it great, but I am thinking my future may look a lot more like your SIL’s. As of right now, H has lost his chance to “just come home.” If he changed his mind, and I am not expecting him to, he would have to work for it.
As for my alone time, I am going to make good use of it. So far it has already helped me be a better mom and to get back in touch with who I want to be. If I finish school and work hard at my job, I can dig myself out of this. I am not going to be OK, I am going to be amazing!
Just journalling this in case I feel like it is signifigant later. Not sure if it ever will be.
Ever since H said he wanted to go a head and file for the divorce, he has been consistently nice. He keeps trying to engage my attention and be chummy too. There was the cupcake-eating incident, more phone calls from D3, more texting from him, and tonight he dropped by and gave me $100 cash after picking up D3. He also dropped his last paystub by for all of $54. Sure am glad I have a steady job!
Haven't a clue why he is being so nice, but I'm not going to worry for now. I have a lot of work to do getting ready for D-day. I want to know what I want when those papers get filed.
Being prepared is one thing, but making planning for a divorce the central theme of your life is not healthy. Especially since it's only talk at this point. Just be careful to not get sucked into your H craziness....
"Love me when I least deserve it, for that is when I need it the most"
M18 Me39,H42 D16 Bomb 1/10 Moved out 3/10 OW 6/10 H wants to R,OW gone 11/10 H moves back 5/11 H wants to wear rings again 9/11
You have a point. I won't let the divorce prep take over. I just feel like I have to scramble for a bit. A lot of it has become very immediate for me now since he said he would file soon.
H has seperated his checking, leaving me with the account paying all the bills. He puts money in, but not as much as he spends. He still isn't getting paid at his new job either.
I think a lot of my "detaching" may just be distrusting him. He has done so much I didn't think he would ever do, that I don't think I can be caught unprepared.
Once I get a few ducks in a row, I will put it down. There isn't really much to do, I just don't want to be caught unprepared.
Today's tasks are tough, but I am determined not to let them overwhelm me. I have to set up some no charge phone numbers on my phone bill. It will mean looking at the account, something I have avoided for self-protection. If I don't do this, I face large over-charges. The phone bill is already cutting into grocery money, so I can't just ignore it. I need to just get it done.
Since I will be there, I have decided to go ahead and look (it will be right in front of me anyway) to see if H is still talking to OW every night and print out the records for emergency use in the event of a divorce gone bad (worse?). A part of me hopes he has ended it with her, but I don't really expect to see that.
I'm feeling strong and prepared, but I think I am about to find out just how well I am detaching.
I planned this for a day I had an appointment with my IC, just in case I needed the extra support. I also made some nice plans to enjoy time with my D3 tonight. I plan to put all thoughts of H & the divorce preparedness work out of mind as soon as I pick my D3 up from day care.
We are going to start holiday cards for art time. We will use lots of glitter glue I'm sure. Then we will have some ice cream and watch a movie.
I will admit that I still hope H doesn't follow through on the divorce, but I don't feel like I can ignore the possibility that he will follow through.
On a seperate note, H's 'home life' with his parents is getting even more uncomfortable. His mom has been laid off and recovering from surgery for the past 6months. Yesterday my FIL lost his job too, so H will have even less space from them. I guess its not my problem. Feel bad for my FIL though. This was a big surprise for him.
Sorry for the FIL as that truly sucks. Maybe h will step up more or see himself as the drain on resources that he is...
As for his being consistently nicer since the D bomb, that makes total sense. He knows he's delivered the big bad message so he can afford to be nice. Eases his guilt AND he figures it won't be misconstrued by you as a reconciliatory move. IOW, it's "safe" to be nice to you. Shoot, he may even want a "for old time's sake" intimacy session b/c in HIS mind, he's been clear since he said he's filing...sorry but that's what I've seen a lot of around here. It's not inconsistent in their minds.
But who knows? Maybe now that he can "feel safe" and relax and really look at his choices and options, he won't go thru with it. Does that mean he'll change his personality AND decide to come home AND decide to change AND do the work to affect that change?? Um, maybe not. Time does tell us what we need to know, even if there are never any "why's" to it at all.
Good luck
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I feel bad for FIL too. He has been really kind to me through everything. He and my older SIL really look out for me. Think I will bake him something this weekend and drop it off.
As far as him being nice, I think you are right. I ain't trustin' it. I'm just about to post what I found on my phone bill. No surprises, but yucky to see.
So, I did it. I looked at the phone bill. I set up the no-billing list, so at least that is done. I wasn’t really surprised, but it hurt to know he is still talking with OW. I didn’t realize I could check it before, but I printed out the text message record too. That was surprising. Not only do they talk frequently, but they text almost all day and nearly every day. This has been going on since May, just like the phone calls.
Pre-May, H had a lot of computer generated text messages as well. Not sure what that was. No way to tell really.
So, the question I am left with is this… What did I just learn?
1. MIL is not trying to interfere when my H is over. His mother does not constantly text him when he is over. He gets non-stop texts and calls and he tells me it is his mom. I had kind of suspected that was not true, but I feel a little more kindly towards her knowing that she isn’t really trying to interfere when H is over with me.
2. There were no calls to OW during his camping trip with D3, but quite a few before and after. I think my questions about the trip have been answered now. I have already come to terms with this, but the confirmation was hard to see.
3. The length of time that they talk seems to have dropped off quite a bit. Not going to speculate if it means anything though. I doubt it is significant to my R with H either way. It may be significant to her R with my H though, especially considering that he has put his plans to move on hold till January.
4. My H is in much, much, much deeper than I thought. Call it replay, in-love, addiction, whatever you want. He is in it deep.
5. His general good mood and new “openness” cannot be trusted.
6. I also cannot “read” him like I thought I could. My own feelings about him cannot be trusted. I do not know this man.
7. I am detaching. It was hard to go through those records, but not as bad as I was afraid. I am already recovering and wasn’t really surprised. I am more sad than traumatized now. I think that is a good thing for me.
The next question of course is… what should I DO?
1. Continue to detach from H.
2. Decide what, if anything I can do to help my D3.
3. Continue to work to GAL.
4. Decide if I want to “leave the door open.” Do I want him to come home anymore? I know he has clearly stated his intent, but this question is about me, not him. I am sure I don’t want him as he is. What if he came back? What then? Then again, maybe I should just put this question aside and deal with it only if my H clearly wants to come back.
5. Enjoy my night with my daughter tonight. I will have my baby with me. We will do some art, watch a movie, and eat some ice cream. What could be sweeter?
2. Decide what, if anything I can do to help my D3.
3. Continue to work to GAL.
4. Decide if I want to “leave the door open.” Do I want him to come home anymore? I know he has clearly stated his intent, but this question is about me, not him. I am sure I don’t want him as he is. What if he came back? What then? Then again, maybe I should just put this question aside and deal with it only if my H clearly wants to come back.
5. Enjoy my night with my daughter tonight. I will have my baby with me. We will do some art, watch a movie, and eat some ice cream. What could be sweeter?
You sound really good right now and yes, you have a few things to ponder.
I do know one thing you shouldn't do....
Look at the texts anymore. You have your confirmation, that's all you needed.
