Blackie, I think you should stop talking about the D immediately.
I understand that this was unavoidable and that she brought it up (and that you have to protect yourself) but I don't think you should bring it UP in the future.
I loved your saying about "I can only change myself. Not her." Have you ever said those words to her? I think that she is expecting you to be able to singlehandedly change the dynamics in your marriage. This is something that I expected from H, as well. I didn't realize the huge role that I played until recently. Now, he was the one who shut me out sexually, but I could have handled it much much better than I did.
I think the best thing you can do right now is to stay positive and loving. If you are pulling away from her because of fear over the divorce that will just solidify in her mind that she is doing the right thing and that you will "never" change. Show her the new Blackie and let her make an informed decision.
What have you been doing lately that shows her what she will be missing?
Hang in there, bro. She doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground right now; try not to place too much stock into what she says regarding what will benefit the kids. Have you ever read the DB book? The professional DB'ers talk a lot of validating. I don't see you doing a lot of that with your W. It seems that you want to argue with her or present an opposing viewpoint. Even if she is wrong, just validate that you heard what she is saying and that you understand what she means.
Women want to know that we are heard. When we feel that we are not being listened to, we will ratchet up the hatefulness, the shrill sound in our voices, etc. I can't tell you the difference my H makes when he just keeps his voice calm and LISTENS to me. It's as if all of a sudden all I hear is myself sounding like a bitch and I feel so ashamed! I can then calm down and talk like a normal human being who even LIKES the guy. LOL
When I don't feel listened to or validated, I feel completely justified in acting like a bitch because "he deserves it" for not trying to understand my side of things.
Just my opinion here. Ok, this conversation was not very productive but let's get back on track and figure out where you need to go from here. You can do this, BR! You are so strong and have so much to offer her. She is just scared to open her eyes and really let herself see that. She's been burned and is hell bent on doing a little burning of her own right now. STUPID. UNPRODUCTIVE.
However, that's her decision. Like you said, continue to be the awesome guy that you are and try not to get sucked into D talk.
