I can't do this alone

[Dagny-2]

I need to regain my life, that is ultimately my goal. I need to help the boys through this process. S14 has made some very strong connections here, he has a closer circle of friends here than he did at home. He is very angry, he says he hates his father, and I know that isn’t healthy for him. I’m having a going away party for him and his soccer team as a sense of closure (C’s idea) and a small party for S11’s friends as well. I’m trying to keep them busy, but their pain breaks my heart.

I am failing at GAL. I’m doing nothing differently, though in my defense, I am trying to wrap up everything in TN and get everything sorted out in PA and take a vacation between the two moves. So I’m not a complete couch potato, but I’m only doing what needs to be done to switch schools/lives, I’m not doing anything for me. This feels like a huge limbo land.

My interactions with H lately have been very factual. Telling him everything I’m doing for the boys, but then I wonder, do I really need to tell him? I’m letting him know flight schedules and hotel reservations for our vacation, on the assumption that they are his kids and he should know where they are, but I’m starting to rethink that and I’m just being too nice. I’m doing everything for the kids (no help from H), but in reality pre-separation I did 95% of everything.

The boys last night were asking what the grandparents think of H’s actions. I told them mine were furious but I couldn’t speak for the ILs. They said that they should be really upset and they would be disappointed if they weren’t. They don’t yet know that H is taking OW to his parent’s house for Thanksgiving. My C says I’m protecting H by not telling the kids. I think he should tell the kids, not me.

Another thing getting under my skin, is the few times I do have a conversation with H he keeps talking in “we” terms. Well, up until 3 months ago for the last 24 years, the we has been H and I, now it is H and OW. Just hearing how easily I’ve been replaced is hurtful. I feel like a basket case!

Dagny