What I KNOW after being HERE for 3 years.......

[ericmsant2]

Handling,

There's only one person that can stop me.......and I know who that is (ME)

Atta a girl! You’re doing well Handling….

So....I let it really get to me to the point that I was almost sick to my stomach. BECAUSE the thought of H thinking I lied to him was more than I could take.

FTR, my W if given the opportunity would blame ME for global warming. Do you think anything I do will change my W’s POV?

I have remained honest and truthful almost to a fault during this whole thing - despite H's continued lies about even the little things.

Being truthful and honest and true to WHO you are and strive to be is never a “fault”. Keep being YOU handling! F*ck what your H says. You know the truth and really that is all that matters. The more you EXPECT that your H will see YOUR POV, truth and honesty – the more you set yourself up to feel like….

It bothered me to think that H would think that I lied because the person I AM and strive to be does not lie.

…this ^^^

The thing is, I immediately assumed he was thinking the worst of me

Assumptions can really mess with our minds. I have to continually remind myself NOT to assume. It’s not easy Handling but it can be done. Just keep working at it.

thinking I was someone I'm not

FTR, I still struggle with this…what I have learned though is that worrying so much about what someone else thinks about you is a sign of codependence. F*ck what your H thinks. Ya can’t change it anyway. You know you did not lie and you know you’re a good person.

My reason for texting was not because I didn't want him MAD at me (as it would have been not TOO long ago).

Based on what I see (and FTR, I am not a therapist) I would agree you were not concerned about him being angry BUT you were concerned about something. Can you see what it was and HOW it impacts you?

God Bless,
Eric

[handlingplanb]

I was honestly concerned about being seen as dishonest - AND the fact that my S was upset about being given a hard time about being late AND that he told his dad that he wasn't late because of homework. It bothered me that he didn't feel HE could be honest with his dad about not wanting to be there for 2 hours.......ughhhhh......

I see how it impacts me. I don't like it......more to work on!

[handlingplanb]

I woke up today missing my H. Not thinking about how wrong this is. Not thinking about what he has done. Just missing him. Missing us. Missing our friendship. Wish I could reach out. Wish I could reconnect, but know I can't.

Going to take my girls to get our nails done tonite while S is at practice. I know S will appreciate missing the trip. Then we'll have dinner as a family of four and face the weekend with NOTHING on the schedule (except hair cuts) - YEAH!!!

[handlingplanb]

I had a pretty good weekend, despite having a bit of a breakdown yesterday when trying to schedule college visits with D17. Things are not how they SHOULD be for her, and I wish I could change them - but I can't, so will forgive myself for the breakdown and do my best to do the best I can for her.

Things are starting to click in my head. I think I'm finally getting to a better place, despite the breakdowns and despite the fact that I still miss my H.

I'm doing my best to look forward to the holidays and creating new memories with my kids! This time of year is VERY difficult. I know I'm in a better place (in my head) than I have been for the last 3 years - so hope to keep rolling and forging ahead!!

[punkin]

HPB,

Quite a few of us seem to be in the same place at the same time. Must be like the menstrual cycle thing - not counting Eric, of course.

I think the Holidays are really getting to a lot of us. I know it's getting to me. I always threw quite a dinner. Now, there will just be me, two of my D's and 3 of my grands for dinner. Very modest by last year's 28 standard.

[TRUSTING]

I can so relate to this.. It hit me yesterday, reminders of the holidays, sadness, memories....

[Creed]

yep...me too. Been so many years, and it's hitting me harder this year than any year previously. What's up with THAT??

[ericmsant2]

Handling,

I had a pretty good weekend, despite having a bit of a breakdown yesterday

IMO, nothing like a good cry to clean the spirit! Keep letting it out Handling.

Things are not how they SHOULD be for her, and I wish I could change them - but I can't, so will forgive myself for the breakdown and do my best to do the best I can for her.

Atta a girl! You can’t change the word BUT you can be a light in it. You can be the best mom you can be for your D. The best you can is all YOU should ever ask of yourself.

I'm doing my best to look forward to the holidays and creating new memories with my kids! This time of year is VERY difficult. I know I'm in a better place (in my head) than I have been for the last 3 years - so hope to keep rolling and forging ahead!!

Do something totally different this year if you can. Change things up a bit. Yes this time of year is difficult – no doubt. Sounds like you are in a better place. Use the anger and hurt to move you forward. Use it to help you stand up and do what YOU need to do for YOU and the kids.

Must be like the menstrual cycle thing - not counting Eric, of course.

I had my cycle the other day. Damn! LOL. On a serious note, I think each of us should allow ourselves a little time during this holiday season to:

1) Grieve and cry a little. Let not stuff it down and have it form bitterness.
2) Be grateful for what we do have. Take a moment and sit back and realize that there are some positive in each of our sitchs. Ya may have to search but trust me they are there.

God Bless,
Eric

[handlingplanb]

I purposely avoided any discussion about the holidays with H this year. The past few (separated) years I contacted him, discussed presents and arrangements to continue to celebrate as a family. I prepared myself this year, given the fact that Christmas landed on "his" weekend, to spend Christmas day without my kids. However, he chose to let them be with me for the weekend. He didn't come over Christmas Eve as has been our tradition to celebrate with family gifts and big holiday meal, but asked that we do it on Christmas Day. D17 was disappointed to stray from tradition, but I did my best to make Christmas Eve special and Santa was able to come to OUR home as has been tradition (despite the fact that I am the only one that still believes.....).

H did come over Saturday with his mother and we celebrated in the way that has been our Christmas Eve tradition, on Christmas Day. This was the first time since he moved out that he actually sat in a chair (that wasn't in the dining room). Even with prolonged visits in the past he chose to stand, or kneel on the floor - has been kind of comical, and funny/odd to watch.

Since I didn't bring it up, some of the gifts that he brought for the kids duplicated what Santa gave. It bothered D13, but was easily dismissed since there are 2 homes to split the gifts in. Still hard, and is striking that we can't communicate about the simplest of things these days. Since I have stopped trying, it doesn't happen.

I don't think he's made much progress in whatever he needs to make progress in to accept where we are - despite what he "says" in writing. His behavior and actions are still bizarre, and still make me believe that he is in a state of confusion - MLC, I don't know - just messed up! It has been months since any communication about D has transpired. He has not contacted my L to suggest a settlement. Despite this, I do not think he has "changed his resolve" in that he wants and NEEDS a D.

My MIL has given me the Precious Moments Christmas ornament since we were married in 1987. I have quite a collection. This year's ornament says "Hope." I don't know that I have much hope left in me, but it nags at me occasionally - and seeing the ornament with that one word made me wonder if it was a sign.....at least briefly. Despite this, I think I am finally letting go. It has been a very very long journey, but I'm getting there. New traditions, new ways to celebrate and living for me (and my kids) is helping.

I have the awkward NYE celebration coming up - being the only single parent in a group of families, but I am hoping to be able to go through with it and not back out.......I'm not very social as it is, and with 4 other families there, it may be too much for me.....we'll see.

I hope that 2011 brings a new level acceptance for me - and a new level of acceptance with ME!

Happy Holidays!!!

[punkin]

HPB,

GO to the party. BE the party. If you really don't think you can wing it alone, take a friend, male or female. (Gay friends are wonderful for this type of thing, by the way) Don't let the situation drag you down. New Year's Eve is about YOU, and YOUR NEW YEAR. If you are worried about your friends talking, believe me, they will talk more if you don't show than if you do with a lampshade on your head.

2011 will be your year. Watch and see.