Hey HP. I haven't made Kahlua for a while but there's no better time. I have extra vodka just sitting around. What the heck. Tis the season.
LOL@getting the spouse drunk to get some. My lunch buddy told me to get her tipsy and see what happens. I'm make Madeira chicken tomorrow. I'll make sure there's plenty of wine left for sippin'. There will be no action tonight. There's a sleep over going on. So that nixes that.
You do sound like my friend telling me to just do it and see what happens. To tell you the truth, I'm a little scared. But then again, I was scared when I first soloed and jumped from a plane. I just need a good opening with no kiddies swimming in my pool. They need to get out so I can start the adult swim.
It's about timing. She walked in on me in the can yesterday. I was buck naked and there was a reaction. She tried not to look. I wanted to but the little time before we had to leave for work cut that off. The streets had a little ice on them and we had to split early.
I'll work up some nerve soon HP. I'll report the results....
P.S. W recceived something in the mail from her lawyer post dated yesterday. Mail moves across town here pretty quick. We'll see if she tells me what it is. It may be the confirmation I asked her to get me.
Skip the wine my amigo. See if the Madeira chicken can be made with Amaretto, the Italian liqueur of love. I guess you owe me the rest of the recipe for a great suggestion.
Skip the wine my amigo. See if the Madeira chicken can be made with Amaretto, the Italian liqueur of love. I guess you owe me the rest of the recipe for a great suggestion.
-Gripman
Gotta go with the wine. I picked up a bottle last night. Indiana doesn't have Sunday liqour sales so I'm stuck. I don't think getting her drunk will happen today. She's off to the job and working a split shift she says. She's going in for a few hours and then hanging with her best friend and then getting back around 9. I guess that put the kibosh on those plans.
Then again, that job has for awhile. Just this morning, I thought I heard her telling me to jump in the shower with her. Our water heater went out at a bad time so it was luke warm low pressure showers for a bit. Well new one installed yesterday. W takes first shower with it and sounded like that shampoo commercial. She said she felt like she had an orgasm. I told her I want too. She said "you need to get in the shower then." It took a second for it to sink in and then.... She came out and looked at the clock and said I wish I hadn't said I would come in at 9. She said that shower was the best things she has felt in a long time..
Was that an invite? Did I hear her right? Dayum job cutting into my time. Oh well, I'm going to breakfast with a couple nice young girls in a bit. Very young girls. I'm taking the D and her buddy to eat.
So much for getting it on...Maybe next time. I hope I heard her right...
Was checking emails and such and thought I would update and vent.
Yesterday, W emailed me at work asking for my attorney name and addy. I asked why and she came back that I was being secretive. She then said her attorney just asked and I could tell her when I wanted to. I'm not telling her who she is right now. The major reason is her guy was stomped by my girl twice. I don't want him to know who she is for that reason until it's time. He's not too much on the ball. Unless he doesn't know what I look like and I think he does, he looked right at me and her at lunch. Oh well.
W claimed she cancelled intital hearing. As of this morning, nothing has been called off. I called her for information and told her I believe this was an attempt at a deception. She presented a crazy settlement that would give her the house, have me pay 1/2 on a loan that is %90 hers and covers pre-marital debt. She wants to claim the kids which I think is fair on her taxes. She then said she wants all mortgage deductions as well. After 2 years, she wants to give me 1/4 of what I want. I wasn't too happy but I didn't flip out.
I told her what I wanted. She left and told me in a sarcastic way "I love you to!" She thinks because I love her I should roll over. No way. My primary hope is we work this out. But if we don't I need to be ready to move on. My cash will be a good start.
She asked what kind of example would be set if she stayed because of the kids. I told her we need to work on ourselves and that would spill over to the kids. It's my opinion if she brought down the walls, she would see there is hope. I can only make myself better. Not her.
I told her and maybe I shouldn't have that her wanting to D will teach the kids that when things get rough in a R, split. Don't keep vows you have given. The exact lessons her parents passed down to her. Each of her siblings have had at least one D. One is on her third marriage and another is about to D after 11 years. Another brother who has a D under his belt picked up a new squeeze and sent his baby's mother packing. Granted, she's a freak but still...
Sorry to use up bandwith. I would rather vent here than at home or overload friend's emails with my drama.
As always, the best place to vent is here. And she calls this a good deal. I guess she thinks you just fell off the turnip truck. Take care and keep writing.
Blackie, I think you should stop talking about the D immediately.
I understand that this was unavoidable and that she brought it up (and that you have to protect yourself) but I don't think you should bring it UP in the future.
I loved your saying about "I can only change myself. Not her." Have you ever said those words to her? I think that she is expecting you to be able to singlehandedly change the dynamics in your marriage. This is something that I expected from H, as well. I didn't realize the huge role that I played until recently. Now, he was the one who shut me out sexually, but I could have handled it much much better than I did.
I think the best thing you can do right now is to stay positive and loving. If you are pulling away from her because of fear over the divorce that will just solidify in her mind that she is doing the right thing and that you will "never" change. Show her the new Blackie and let her make an informed decision.
What have you been doing lately that shows her what she will be missing?
Hang in there, bro. She doesn't know her ass from a hole in the ground right now; try not to place too much stock into what she says regarding what will benefit the kids. Have you ever read the DB book? The professional DB'ers talk a lot of validating. I don't see you doing a lot of that with your W. It seems that you want to argue with her or present an opposing viewpoint. Even if she is wrong, just validate that you heard what she is saying and that you understand what she means.
Women want to know that we are heard. When we feel that we are not being listened to, we will ratchet up the hatefulness, the shrill sound in our voices, etc. I can't tell you the difference my H makes when he just keeps his voice calm and LISTENS to me. It's as if all of a sudden all I hear is myself sounding like a bitch and I feel so ashamed! I can then calm down and talk like a normal human being who even LIKES the guy. LOL
When I don't feel listened to or validated, I feel completely justified in acting like a bitch because "he deserves it" for not trying to understand my side of things.
Just my opinion here. Ok, this conversation was not very productive but let's get back on track and figure out where you need to go from here. You can do this, BR! You are so strong and have so much to offer her. She is just scared to open her eyes and really let herself see that. She's been burned and is hell bent on doing a little burning of her own right now. STUPID. UNPRODUCTIVE.
However, that's her decision. Like you said, continue to be the awesome guy that you are and try not to get sucked into D talk.
Honeypot just gave you some fantastic advice. Take some time to fully digest what she is saying, especially from a woman's POV. Try to stop the fighting, the scorekeeping, and certainly stop mentioning D.
I reckon I've back slid away from the validating thing. It's hard to take heat for parts of this mess I'm not responsible for.
I just hung up from the court house. The case that she said she had dismissed is still on the calander. I take this as an act of deception. If this is the case, I don't know that I want to be with such a person. I'll just have to show up and pay out legal fees.
I hope I'm wrong. Those clerks at the court house are tired of hearing from me I know. Several times in a day. But, I can't take the chance.
Have you asked her why it is still on the calendar? Tell her that you are not checking up on her but that you haven't received anything in the mail and thought you'd better check it out. Make up a story about your lawyer and paperwork, or whatever you can think of.
The validating thing...well, I don't think it is a matter of laying down and taking heaps of bull-oney from her, but rather you indicating that you hear what she is saying. If nothing else, simply say "I hear what you're saying." As opposed to arguing or telling her your side of things.
I agree with you on the deception. That is a despicable thing to do to another person. I hope with all my heart that this is not what's happening.
Quote: Have you asked her why it is still on the calendar? Tell her that you are not checking up on her but that you haven't received anything in the mail and thought you'd better check it out. Make up a story about your lawyer and paperwork, or whatever you can think of.
The validating thing...well, I don't think it is a matter of laying down and taking heaps of bull-oney from her, but rather you indicating that you hear what she is saying. If nothing else, simply say "I hear what you're saying." As opposed to arguing or telling her your side of things.
I agree with you on the deception. That is a despicable thing to do to another person. I hope with all my heart that this is not what's happening.
Keep me posted.
Yep. I called her this morning to ask why it was still on the calendar. She insisted that her guy was down there and filed. She added you know how the courts are. On one hand, I know. I went to a hearing for my former job. I sat around a half hour before I was told I didn't need to be there as they sent a letter.
But this is different. I hope she isn't trying to pull a fast one. I really do. I will be angry and crushed if I see her down there. I don't think I can take the chance. I hate this feeling. To make things worse and this is trivial. One of her friends sent her a Christmas card that had Miss on it. I can't wait for tomorrow to be over. One way or another.
Last night, I was feeling bad. I'm fighting a bug and the stress of this thing. I went to bed to watch tv and lit a few armoma candles. W comes in and looks around. She takes changes her cloths and sits on the bed talking for 45 minutes about her stuff. There was no talk of the D other than did I get her voice mail. It didn't hit me until later that she was actually sitting on my side of the bed half way up to my knee. I wasted another chance, I know. Or I think I did.
I don't think I'll tell her I went to court tomorrow. That would make her mad. I was close to calling in a favor and checking to see if she asked for a day off at her job. But I resisted.
