What I KNOW after being HERE for 3 years.......

[handlingplanb]

There's only one person that can stop me.......and I know who that is (ME).............I just wanted to write my goal/reason for writing it.

On Monday H had been out of town for the day and texted and asked if I could take S11 to baseball practice because he couldn't get there in time and then be at practice in time (he is coach). I said yes. S asked if he HAD to be there for the full 2 hours of hitting, and I said probably not - since you can't hit for 2 hours. He also had some homework. So, I texted H and asked if it was ok if S finished his homework first. He said yes. So....I took him about 30 minutes late.

Last night S11 told me that he got in trouble for being late to baseball practice Monday - and asked why I told dad that he was doing his homework. I said that he WAS doing his homework - and he said, no - I was eating dinner. I said, you were doing your homework, and then I fed you before we left and besides - you didn't want to be there for 2 hours. He said, yes I know but I told dad that I wasn't doing homework - I was eating.......

So....I let it really get to me to the point that I was almost sick to my stomach. BECAUSE the thought of H thinking I lied to him was more than I could take. I have remained honest and truthful almost to a fault during this whole thing - despite H's continued lies about even the little things. It bothered me to think that H would think that I lied because the person I AM and strive to be does not lie. So I HAD to text H last night to tell him that it was my fault that S was late to practice - that AFTER doing his homework, I chose to feed him first. After some time passed H replied, and I was very glad that I had texted. I don't think H had thought that I had lied to him. In his reply, he referred to not giving S a hard time about homework and that he wouldn't do it again. We have had some issues with S this year with anxiety and school - and H's reply made me think that maybe he hadn't thought I lied to him.....

The thing is, I immediately assumed he was thinking the worst of me - thinking I was someone I'm not - reminded me that I do that about him as well, and why I stand. Despite all of the craziness of MLC and what whacky things he's done and said, I still believe his core is the man I love.

Hasn't changed anything about my path. I know that I still have to let him go. My reason for texting was not because I didn't want him MAD at me (as it would have been not TOO long ago).