25 - "Check out faithisbelieving's thread sometime for a guy on the div side of things who handled it with honor. And check out faithfulhusbands "
What folders are these threads in? Forget their forums (not "folders", unless that's a new term) b/c they posted in many forums. Search for their names and see them there. I posted recently to faithisbelieving on his thread. Dont' recall the forum. If it's not easy, then try infidelity for FIB's and maybe Piecing for Faithfulh's. Faithfulhusband stuck it out and took a very enlightened approach that would NOT work for everyone. But he sure did detachment well. And they are reconciled and happy. But like I said, they both post in many areas. IF robx isn't posting anymore (he came on strong at times but there were MANY times when 2 x4s were necessary. LBSers do a lot of time wasting on the WASs.
As I told you, my biggest regret is how much time I spent on my H's thoughts/feelings/ideas/plans/ blah blah blah. Instead of MY life and MY future and our children's. I cannot stress that enough, and sometimes the only way to get thru to someone is to blast them for making the same mistake 100 times, and THEN somehow thinking that the 101st time of the same behavior will result in a new reaction. IT doesn't.)
But see if Gucci or Coach are around, as is jack3beans. I'm a woman. There are times you need a woman's viewpoint, but Generally, you have to hear manly advice from a man
And - any 180 ideas for a guy who is already GAL "busy"?
Depends what your GAL activities are. If you are doing a lot of self reflective things, I would say do something physical. IF it's all physical, take a class in something more intellectual, or spiritual. Find a topic or class that either has interested you for a long time, or that you are newly curious about, like a foreign language or even dance. Yes, dance....both those classes are things I love, and a lot of females do. I took a class in handyman stuff b/c h was GONE as far as I could tell and I found it empowering. Didn't miss h as much or feel the "need" for him for handyman stuff. But I'm not suggesing a tactic to meet women with, so much as a really different type of GAL. So what are your GAL things now?
And know that truly, you will get through this. Like I said, a whole lot of walking wounded out there but they usually heal. When? They heal when they get sick & tired of feeling sick & tired. They choose to heal Their wounds.
Some people tend to repeat their mistakes, or run from them and date/marry the total opposite of the person who hurt them. If you really get through this and learn from it, you will come out of this a better man and you WILL find yourself a better man. That counts.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My problem is I can't think of anything "unexpected", you know 180. And besides, I want to do it for me, something that really interests me, not just to get wondering.
For now, I'm just going to stick with "Don't do list" and try not to appear phony. Got another session tonight; I'll ask coach. And unfortunately this may be my last for a while; money's tight.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
try answering the questions I posted, and see if you can come up with something. j
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
I'm picking my guitar again after letting it sit idle for a couple of years.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Okay so....is that answering the questions I asked? They were a bit more detailed. Just see where answering them leads you, or us, to help you.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
Had another session w/coach Monday nite. I'm working on my goals. Like someone posted earlier, it's just gonna take time.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
I've been reading other posts at other threads and wonder....
The changes I am making are really only half for me and half to get W back. It's only been 3-1/2 weeks since the bomb, so I am still trying to pull myself together. But I am having difficulty imagining life after D and setting goals for myself with that possiblity in mind.
Right now I have one goal, that is to somehow help W doubt her decision to end the M. In time as things proceed I'll think about life after D. However, for the sake of the kids S11 and D16 we're still in the same house and even in the same bed.
Coach has told me I have to re-connect with W emotionally: reflective listening, validating, active listening, attentive but not pursuing, all the do's and don'ts. Coach said W has to once again regard me as being her best friend and partner. It's going to be really, really difficult with no guarantee of success, so I feel like I'm shooting craps with my own emotions.
Please, please keep me in your prayers as I will all of you.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
Right now I have one goal, that is to somehow help W doubt her decision to end the M.
Do that by doing this:
Quote:
Coach has told me I have to re-connect with W emotionally: reflective listening, validating, active listening, attentive but not pursuing, all the do's and don'ts. Coach said W has to once again regard me as being her best friend and partner.
As for working on yourself?
How much fun is it posting here? Find, kill and fix the things that were your failings in the marriage. Look long and hard at yourself with an honest eye.
Experience is a brutal teacher, but you learn. My God, do you learn. - C.S. Lewis
Life is usually all about how you handle Plan B. - Jack3Beans
Listen without defending; Speak without offending - FaithinAK
I'm definately working on myself. Much of that is listening to what she is really saying. W uses hints and comments and every other way to say things except communicating directly. So I am working on that and also trying not to miss the opportunities. That's my baddest habit at the moment, letting opportunities slip by.
Me 53 XW 50 M 18 Years +2 S14 D19 Bomb 10-24-10 Served 1-27-11 Mediate 4-21-11 Civil D Final 6-2-11 No church anullment "A man is not finished when he is defeated, he is finished when he quits."
