BM I was looking at your dates, and thinking about my own experience, and those of others. Beware of time lines, I agree, but the reality is that MLC affairs usually take a long time to end. Some MLC affairs are over quickly, but many of them linger a long time. Look at Holly 06, for example. The relationship often isn't stable, and breaks up a lot, but they get back together because they need each other. Most of what you wrote I could have written at the time.
These women are desperate. It has often been stated that we should not focus on the OP. It gives them an importance they do not really have, as they are a symptom of the MLC dis-ease. Yes, some of them marry the OP, and very very occasionally it works out. One thing I have learned from direct experience and others have confirmed, is that the OP is often thinking a great more about us than we realise. My h's OW was unbelievably jealous of me, apparently!
If I am honest, I am not sure I am fully detached even now, it just affects me less. And I am more aware of what my emotions are doing. These MLCers are very skilled at getting under our radar, and they know just which buttons to press. But if they do not get a response, they will mostly leave us alone.
On going dark, and no contact - in part it is to protect ourselves while we heal. If you have a wound you leave it alone. I also think it is good for them not to have access to us whenever they want. I don't think this is punishment, just the way of the world. If you leave your spouse for someone else it isn't reasonable to expect to be able to see that person when you want. Can you not say to your h that you find seeing and talking to him distressing, and that you would prefer to deal with all of this through a mediator or lawyer? It actually doesn't matter what he thinks about this - it is how you feel that is important.
They often do not 'get' that the divorce ends the relationship. In a weird way they often hope that nothing will change, and will cite examples of where divorce has happened and everyone is still friends. Yes, it can happen, but not in a MLC situation where one person abandons their family for someone totally unsuitable
