Fix me, fix my life, win back my wife

[luvless]

Scared - make a signature so we know off the bat what your sitch is like....

for instance like you see....

ages of you and wife
how long married and how long together
kids and ages
when you got your bomb

[ScaredinCanada]

Yes I obviously need to get those books, although I'm not exactly sure when I will have a chance to actually read them without my wife knowing or letting other people in my life know that we are having issues.

If I'm second guessing it's because I'm still trying to remind myself to be realistic - it's also me trying to focus on being happy regardless of my marriage situation. I don't NEED my wife to make me happy...I need to make me HAPPY!!

I'm trying to slow things down, trying to breath more. All day at work it's all I can think about, and it's hard not to breakdown sometimes - it also makes it hard to focus on my work...but I'm trying.

I'm already noticing a small change in my wife just in the last 2 days (since if stopped chasing her) she has been talking to me more (and I do my best to just listen and not argue) she actually smiled a couple of times yesterday (which actually made me feel good) and I haven't gone on my computer at all during the last week and it's giving me a renewed sense of life. I really trying to focus on my self-image, be a positive and thoughtful person, dress nice, shower everyday and shave regularly.

Whenever my kids or W are around me I do everything I can do to think of them first, do what I should do - not what I feel like doing.

I also told my W that I am going to sit down with my parents, but I'm not going to go at with about my wife. I'm going to try and address the issues I have with them and things that they are doing that are causing problems in my wife. Obviously eventually I need to address the lack of respect issues they have for my W and her mother - but I think it's most important to make it about ME. If they truly care, and love me they will want to fix it. Although I love them and respect my parents deeply, being the oldest child in my family I've always felt and additional burden of wanting my parents to be really proud of me - and when I was younger that's all that was ever on my mind - I never questioned them. I'm much more mature now and I think that with them getting older and dealing with 2 younger more bold sons I think it's something that can be worked out for the positive. I'm just really asshamed that I let it go on for so long.

My wife really seemed to respect my attitude and approach about, but did still have to throw in "it's about time, it's something you should have done a long time ago". Regardless, she's right and whether I was scared or immature it really doesn't matter now - it HAS to be done. This will also likely help improve some of my self-confidence issues.

When it comes to thoughtful and caring, I'm trying to be jsut that. I'm trying to pay more attention to the things that effect people so that I can react in a compassionate and thoughtful way. On the weekend my W was complaining that her hands were sore and dry. So it got me thinking about what I could do to help. I went to Spa place close to our home, and they had a "dry hand manicure" which involves a standard manacure and special treatment for dry skin. I was contemplainting giving it to her immediately, but I don't want her to perceive it the wrong way. So I attempted to "sneak" it in the house, and she saw me and asked what I was doing. So I just respond nothing as I went up and stairs and said I would be down in a minute. Unfortunately when I comedown she says "Buying gifts for your girlfriend?". I said "Of course not", I said if you need to know it's something I got for you, but I didn't think it was the right time to give it too you. She backed down then but of course had to give a smart remark to close "You can't buy my love"...uhhhhh

These minor setbacks aside I feel like my own changes are making a difference for me and also appear to be slowing effecting my W positively - so it's a win/win as far as I am concerned.

I'm not sure how busy I am to make myself, but tonight my wife works, and I have a hockey game so I won't see her at all today and she works tomorrow Saturday and Sunday, and I have plans to go out with a couple of my best friends on Saturday night. My focus during the day on Saturday and Sunday will be all about the kids.

Thanks for everyone's comments and concern, I really appreciated and hope you all understand even though I don't know you - you are helping me so much!!!

[Mach1]

Part of what is discussed here, and in the book,is GAL, or Get A Life.

That means finding time for you.

Doing the things that you lost over time and throughout your marriage.


The books ? They are for you, not her.


Kudos for addressing the issues with your parents. I would say you always saw it as a problem, just not one that you felt needed immediate attention until it came back in your face ?

It is important to address them for you though, no expectations of it changing anything for her right now.


Good luck with Hockey....I remember thinking ( as most here would) that if I did not see my wife for an entire day, that I would die. Turned out to not be the case. That is why it is so important to take time for you, and find who you are through this. Like being with yourself, it is a magnet.

SIC....make what you do about you for a while, create some mystery about you, and although it may feel counter-intuitive, don't tell her everything you are doing. Let your actions speak louder than your voice. ( much louder).

[ScaredinCanada]

Met with my parents...and it went well. I was nervous of course but they respond well - and they said they realized that I had issues talking with them (and of course the blamed themselves) and then continue to say how happy they are and how great I am. I basically told them that I know I have self-confidence issues that stem from an inability to talk to them about issues between us but that today was the last day I would struggle to speak openly about the issues.

Will type more when I can...children need their father!

[ScaredinCanada]

Ok, I've had some set backs since talking to my parents. Of course my W has wanted to engage a lot to talk about "what exactly my parents said". I'm starting to see this is an even bigger issue than I believed.

My mother and my W have some major trust issues which I'm not sure will ever be resolved and will likely be the true reason my marriage ends.

I got angry at times and told my W that she isn't even trying to see the changes in me and that she's stuck in the past. Which I told her I cannot change it. She made sure to mention it numerous times "that she just doesn't love me anymore", and she's "not sure I've even acknowledge that she's told me she doesn't love me".

Although I don't believe she has cheated again or that she's seeing anyone in any way...I struggle with the fact that this is just soemthing that has built up and nothing actually triggered it. I think there maybe some sort of EA in some sort of way - she's seen someone who is very happy and in love or she's hearing someone saying how in love they are...or possibly there is someone who's caught her eye.

She's very pushy about me going out, she makes me suspicious. She says she's just trying to let me do things that make me happy...

I really think this maybe it. Although I'm not sure how she see's it ending??? I'm trying constantly to be a better person, but I don't think it matters to her.

I'm still not sure how to be happy, and I'm not sure if I ever will - especially if I loose my family.

I'm going to try and not pursue her anymore...but it is so so so difficult...

I've been trying to talk myself out of loving her...so that it won't hurt so bad when she leaves or asks me to leave...she's planned a trip with her mother in February...so unless she justs expects me to move out...I don't see our situation changing until...which I guess is something to be happy about.

[Truegritter]

I got angry at times and told my W that she isn't even trying to see the changes in me

You are not going to talk your way out of something you acted your way into.

Actions.

Not words.

I've been trying to talk myself out of loving her...so that it won't hurt so bad when she leaves or asks me to leave

I understand why you might think this

BUT

It is not the answer IMO. You must detach from the emotions that all this is causing you. It is breeding fear in you and you will not be able to make good decisions for you and your M from a place of fear and emotion.

This is very hard to do SIC. Some suggestions are to stop yourslef when you feel the emotions and try to control them from running around in your head like a dump truck through a nitroglycerin plant.

This should be one of your goals:

to detach.

[dbmod]

What were you doing RIGHT BEFORE you two fell in love?

[ScaredinCanada]

We were both in high-school...so I would say I was hanging around with my friends and going to school, we met at a mutual part-time job.

I honestly need to just try to focus on making myself happy - or finding what makes me happy. Right now I'm not happy at all. Looking forward to counselling so we can start trying to move this forward.

My wife seems to have no plan, I'm not sure she's really thought through her emotions at this point. I know she has no plans to go anywhere - and I know I'm not going anywhere.

I need to someone make myself believe that I can and will be happy regardless of my M, but that is a daily struggle. I keep thinking about it and other than some rough times over the past few years and the handful of situations where I haven't handled things properly as a H - I'm still kind of at a loss to explain this.

I truly believe that the biggest issue remains with friction between my W and my mother...and my even said on the weekend that she's not sure she would have come to the point she's at if there weren't the problems with my mother and the fact that it's created tension between myself and my W.

Going to try and re-focus this week, stay positive - attempt to GAL and try to move on...

[MisterHopeful]

Wow man, you weren't kidding when you said we were in similar situations.

[ScaredinCanada]

From reading the last couple posts in your thread it appears your M maybe in a better place then mine. I'm happy for you and I hope things go well today.

It's a slow road with mine, I feel progress somedays and then it goes backwards other days. I've continued to work on the issues with my parents - but my wife is not changed. She hates my mother, never wants to see her again and is saying stuff like "she isn't seeing my kids either". I've told her that my mother appears to have moved on, and that when I talked her she wasn't upset or angry.

She is looking for an apology from my mother, should I tell my mother this?

My wife told me last night that she feels like she never had a choice, that we started dating at such a young age. She wishes she'd dated other people, and told me again that she feels like she only married me because she is was guilty that she cheated on me.

As for me, I'm staying positive. Looking forward to spending more time with my kids. My D2 birthday this weekend will be fun and I've gotten further information about some cooking classes for January.

SIC