Surf, BND. Just surf. If you react, it keeps the bond going. The best advice I ever got was from a friend who told me not to say ANYTHING to XH unless it had one of the kids' names in it. Its helping a LOT.
My X does the same thing--let's them watch R rated movies and has no control. I just tell my kids that we have different rules in our houses. That their dad makes the rules at his house, and I make them at mine. You can't control what happens over there, anyway, so don't even try. You are completely and utterly wasting your breath. Just make sure that on your watch, things are consisent and mature--but still let yourself have fun with them. For homework, you have to emphasize to the kids that it is their reponsibility and that you can't supervise it on the days they go to their dad's because there isn't time.
Then you can inform X that your son won't turn in his homework tomorrow...and that you will tell the teacher to contact him directly if there are problems because of that. Period. Then I'd ask the teacher for help and explain the situation. I bet she will be more than happy to send off a few e-mails to tell your X that its a problem when homework isn't completed as assigned.
Its so frustrating!!! Interesting thing my 10 year old told me the other day. He said he had a lot of advice for divorced parents and one thing is not to "let your kids go." I asked him what he meant, and he said his friend's mom (who is divorced) lets him play M videogames all day in the basement, and gives him whatever he wants, let's him eat as much candy as he wants, and that he swears and is rude to her. This is actually a really nice kid--but you can see that he is begging for some structure.
