Haven't Yet Found My Way

[Mystik]

Really struggling today. H called, left a voicemail for me to call him then texted for me to call him. I texted back asking what he needed. He said he needed me to pick up DS so BIL can pick him up from my place. I wanted to ask why H couldn't do it himself but I don't think I want to hear the answer. So I picked up DS and had him call H to let H know he was home for BIL to get him here. As far as I know I'll still have to drive out to the exchange place to pick up DS. Reminded him this morning and again just now that when I pick him up he has to get in the back, close the door then come up to hug me because it's getting too cold to have the car doors open.

Right before he goes I'll remind him that if he's excited when he comes home he has to hold it in until we get home when I'll help him call his therapist and leave the room so he can talk to her voicemail about how excited he is.

[dbmod]

I'm so glad they accepted you for the therapy. This is a great day for you. This is your new beginning!

It will be helpful if you give the boundaries to yourself and not your son. Control your upsetness...not his enthusiasm. Just make yourself do it...don't give yourself an out.

[Mystik]

Not sure how well that would work. Right now I'm so raw and in such a severe state of depression that anything could send me spiraling down deeper.

[Mystik]

Forgot to mention after my appointment I went and filed the petitions at family court. Had one of my people at work fill out H's address on the forms for me, I just can't handle knowing where he lives. Now I am sick to my stomach about it, worried about how ticked off this is going to make H.

[dbmod]

Ok...whatever you have to do. Hang in there.

[bluestar]

I'm so glad that you are taking steps forward...any step forward is real progress right now. Just keep moving in that direction.

Great job filing the papers. Don't worry about your H's feelings. He's not spending any energy worry about yours. As far as DS goes, instead of his therapist have him call your sister or mom. That's what aunts and grandmas are for.

[Mystik]

Got to the exchange point tonight, about five minutes after I got there H called. Let it go to voicemail as usual. He leaves a message, I listen to it and he said that BIL is also bringing DS home, he was calling to make sure I was home for them. So I texted to him I was already at the exchange place. He never answered so I went home, now waiting for DS to get dropped off.

You know, I thought it would take longer for the new family to be priority or DS and I. It hurts, it really does, that he can't take the time to pick up and drop off his own son. I enjoy that time in the car with DS, even if we're not talking. Just being with him is great.

[ImprovedRomeo]

Mystik, I've never posted to you before and I don't follow threads outside of 'Surviving the big D' but I've read the last few pages of this thread and I wanted to share a few things with you because I see your son is the same age as my DD.

I understand and sympathize how you feel...believe me I was there and no amount of people coaching me to do things would make a difference. I just didn't know how, honestly didn't want to know how, I was stuck with the idea that all I wanted was her and I wanted to be stuck day dreaming about her return. Well I did get her back but she turned around and did it again. Then I realized how I've allowed her to disrespect me all this time. How I've allowed one person to bring me down to my knees- and she's not even Kate Moss. I realized how I've been a door mat...it's just not very attractive, it's pathetic to be honest! No one person should ever have so much power and control over us...and honestly they don't, it's all in our heads. These people detach and go on...while we're stuck with the idea that perhaps if we said or did something in particular it would change their minds.

Based on what I've gleaned from reading this thread you had questions about how to act around your STBXH? That's easy...as long as it's not weak or sappy anything will work i.e. pissed off, cold etc but ideally business like. Like you're meeting a friend of your neighbor.

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Agree in advance in writing DS's exchange and stick to it. Outside of that agreement don't answer his texts, phone, voicemails etc because you don't care to discuss anything with him other than what's been agreed upon minus any DS related emergencies. Also, what is your exchange schedule? I'd suggest one week off, one week on- that's what I do with D6 and it works great. Also, on the subject of DS please keep him protected from all this go in-between with H and you. DS shouldn't be a messenger, schedule planner etc. If you can't talk to him that's OK email works just fine for the day to day stuff. But you and your STBXH have to find a way to do this as adults, you'll have to do this at least until your son is an adult- potentially for the rest of your lives because of your son. However, with setting boundaries and getting things into a routine will make your life SOOO much better.

As for the feelings and emotions- from now on what you say and do with him HAVE to be different than what you feel. He should never be allowed to see or hear how you truly feel inside, it will do nothing positive. I repeat, nothing positive! Your feelings are for you to safeguard...he lost all rights to know anything about your feelings, your plans, your thoughts etc. From now on it's just business and DS related.

I'm sure a lot of this has been said before but it's worth repeating if you're not there yet. You need to take control of your life.

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And two, think about your son what he sees and senses. You have to be strong for him.

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(((hugs)))

*EDITED by dbmod- This forum exists to help those who come looking for encouragement and support during a difficult time in their lives. Your ideas and suggestions are welcome. However, you must treat everyone with respect, refraining from rudeness -even if or when you may not agree with what they are saying or doing in their lives. You must comply with the DivorceBusting.com Board Rules if you would like to continue the privilege of posting here.

[courageous wife]

Thanks IR for posting from the male perspective!!!!

[ImprovedRomeo]

dbmod, nothing I wrote was rude or meant to be rude but ok.